downton recap: episode 3- the case of the missing matthew

 

this week started me off in my happy place.

watching cousin isobel (can we all rejoice in how much that name sounds like a long lost 'facts of life' character?)

squirm in a self righteous slow burn is positively gleeful. 

cora is changing shit.

namely schedules.

 

cousin isobel is clearly hurt by the fact that no one seems to care whether she's there or not.

perhaps if you weren't such condescending slut, ISOBEL.

speaking of sluts...

 

ethel is walking on very dangerous slutty ground.

meanwhile.. 

the dowager countess and mary are walking and talking.

and then sitting and talking.

the countess is still gunning for matthew as mary's husband.

mary just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about matthew,

and to start considering once and for all sir richard car-LYLE for president of mary's cold, steeley cooter.

the DC quickly changes the subject to that of sybil and how could someone so pretty be so single?

can we all just finally come to grips with the fact that sybil is gay? (for me)

back inside downton...

isobel is downstairs threatening mrs. hughes with the eyes of a woman on the verge of post-menopausal murder.

but rather than waste her good murdery eyes on lowly mrs. hughes she marches upstairs and straight into her ladyship's bedroom..

cora just simply has no time for this..

oh you done did it now cora..

outside 2 almost lovers in uniforms are about to be cockblocked by mary... 

later..

because nothing clears away the war sads faster than an impromptu concert and magic show...

edith and mary practice for their big number.

isobel runs away from home leaving mrs. bird and mr. molesley to their own devices.

 which is pretty much nothing.

mrs. bird decides that pickling eggs would be fun..

a war vet hobbles in looking for some food and a soup kitchen is born..

so that boredom can die. 

circle of life.

over at downton..

molesley is in the running for england's next top valet.

and daisy spills the beans about mr. bates working in the local pub...

and..

that william is missing and therefore..

matthew must be missing too!!

"this news would have been better recieved in my uniform".

at dinner the DC is poking around for signs of lesbianism..

"i didn't say anything!"

meanwhile...

molesley is still in the running toward becoming england's next top valet.

and..

o'brien tattles on the soup crew.

mrs. hughes hears a noise that sounds like fucking.

that mrs. hughes was right.

 ethel is fired.

4life.

meanwhile...

the bromance blossoms.

 yay!!!!  bates is back.

wait..what?

 sorry molesley you are not england's next top valet.

and neither is your shoe horn.  stick.  back scratcher.

 bates and anna hoping for the best.

edith tells mary that matthew is missing saying that she thought she should know.

ha! 

*we have a rule in this house...and it's primarily the reason i NEVER watch the news..

and that is you never ever ever tell me anything horrible right before bed.

i will chop your head off.  

for real.

mary cries and stabs edith.

and then she and anna drag the body across the house.

next day..

 the soup crew: BUSTED!

only ha ha jokes on you o'brien..

lady grantham says you're on the bread line.

that's just one notch up from the spoon line.

finally!!

it's concert time..

time for some dumb ass magic..

"watch me hide my penis inside ethel.." 

and..

ladies and gentlemen..

the moment we've all been wating for..

THE

CRAWLEY SISTERS!!!!!

" blah blah...laaa laa...sing sing...you're the only girl...blah blahh"

but then suddenly as only true love knows...

"really? what is it you smell?  is it my trench balls?

or is it my fear of being turned down by you one more time?"

"but seriously folks..

don't stop singing this gay song on my behalf.

EVERYONE!!!"

"lllaaaa la la la blah blah you're the only one foree meeeeeee"

after the scene that gave my dad a grand mal seizure and choke on his own tongue..

just some old fashioned after concert mingling..

"car-LYLE." 

 "sweet lavinia"

suddenly..

mrs. hughes is called away from the party to address a problem..

a pregnant ethel.. 

the next earl of grantham?

why else would they write this bullshit?

while you marinate on that for a spell..

please vote for your favorite dowager countess quip..

1. 

2.

3.

4.

branson farts,

downton recap : episode 2 : with impressions

WOW.

this week was packed FULL of stuff, right?

characters changed right before our eyes!!

my brain will explode if i try to recap this in prior recap fashion, so i won't.

instead i will recap with pictures and thoughts.

like bill cosby and picture pages.

here we go!!

 things are starting to get uncomfortable for the crawleys, aren't they?

rich folk sharing their home with strangers?

unheard of!!

fortunately for the wounded soldiers the crawleys are crazy nice.

mostly. (molesley?)

 poor edith.

she doesn't know what to do with herself..

 

sybil tells her she has a gift she just needs to find it.

sybil rules.

 cousin isobel is barking orders at everyone as if she owned downton.

 bark, bark, bark

the countess along with spooky-eyes rosamund are trying in their corseted rage to rid the world of a certain lavinia swire.

bates is sneaking around in the village like chris hanson in a chat room.

anna sees him and runs to discover that bates can disappear like a scooby doo ghost.

meanwhile cora is as dumb as ever.

i mean seriously?

bless her heart.

"no, really...thomas would make a great house manager!"

anna is busy curling lady mary's hair with some new-fangled hot stick of metal. 

she is confused bc she thinks she saw bates in the village.

mary's like ...my boyfriend is the boss of spying. 

he will totally find out anything you need to know.

 systematic bullying.

meanwhile all branson wants is to fight and go to jail?

huh?

obviously all i could focus on here was that moss growing on the roof.

it makes me very happy.

"prison is the place for me.  and your butt." 

and again...my focus is on that rushing to the right of branson's poop colored suit.

that's like a fence or something and i want it.

oh lord.

poor lang.

could someone please get him some xanax?

 sweet mrs. p tells him in a private moment that she lost her nephew in the war.

lang totally shits all over her later.

 meanwhile thomas is leaving a cloud of swarth on everything he touches.

o'brien convinces him that he needs to be house manager.

so long as he can give orders to mr. carson he's all in.

 blah blah i'm the boss.

fuck you say??

mrs. p cries bc somebody (hard side eye to lang) mentioned that her nephew offed himself

on account of cowardice..

mrs. hughes reminds him he isn't the only one affected by the war.

this war is a dick y'all.

meanwhile the crawley's are gonna play some ping pong maybe.

oops no time for ping pong. 

here come the wounded to conva...convil...connvuh..GET BETTER..

 who's that guy ??

 it's corporal moustache. 

 yaaaay! 

matthews back from war'cation!

 d'oh!

 meanwhile branson has a heart murmur and can't fight in the war.

 downstairs cousin isobel is throwing it down like charles in charge.

not so fast scott baio..

those eyes mean business.

so does lord g..

 nothing sexier than a man who will beat your ass down for upsetting his wife.

happy wife=happy life.

believe it.

outside ethel is talking about her tucking skills to major moustache..

i think the sneak peek of next week would indicate that that actually happens.

later, blissfully unaware of captain moustache's ball tucking plan, ethel tells anna that she thinks he really likes her.  

meanwhile anna curls her hair for mr. bates to practice for lady mary. 

freshly curled, anna shows up at the red lion in yorklorien..or whatever.  diagon alley. 

to lure mr. bates into her vagina maybe.

but mr. bates is like, no that's not your path.  

translation for modern times: you aren't a slut so stop trying to act like one.

we will be married soon.  

be patient.

not slutty.

 here we go again.

spooky eyes and the countess are still trying to convince mary to tell matthew that maybe lavinia had an affair with sir richard or her uncle or something during the macaroni scandal.

KILL LAVINIA!!!!!!

"really rosamund  there's no need to be so gleeful.  you sound like robespiere lopping off marie antoinette's head. hhoo hoo hee hee." 

( i made this gif btw.  isn't it your new favorite gif?)

back at downton...

captain stumpy wants to write a letter to his parents..

except he can't..

branson is plotting a murder maybe...

"i will serve your dinner.  a dinner of MURDER and death!!!!!!!"

later in the night.. 

lang has a horrific dream about the war.

sweet lord in heaven this poor bastard.

i have to tell you i cried a little bit in this scene.

this actor is killing it.

o'brien obviously secretly loves him.

and loves her hair so much that she wears a sweet diaper to bed to protect it.

next day..

the general arrives to see if downton is a legit convol...kornvil...coonvuhl...HOSPITAL!!

matthew is there too.

he stops to talk to mary about how annoying his mom is.

and throws serious shade onto lavinia..

by totally ignoring her!

lavinia confides in mary about the scandal that she can see brewing in the eyes of all these bitches..

 oops.

that's gonna fuck all the plans up.

at dinner branson delivers the "soup"..

anna finds a letter branson writes to sybil.. 

 carson rips him out of the dining room before any shit can go down....

downstairs we find that the pot is full of poocano..

 i.e. ink, squid ink, pants, poop, corn, poopcorn, darts and guy fieri's boob sweat.

at dinner general such and such determines edith wins the prize for most awesome crawley!

"TO EDITH!" 

elsewhere...

william proposes to daisy.

gross says daisy.

but mrs. p is like... 

and that's that. 

outside..

lang loses his cool in front of everybody.

that's the last straw.

yer fired.

and we end with lord and lady cuddles... 

cora and L.G. discuss the war sads.  

try not to choke to death in your sleep lord g....jesus. 

and now..

last week a few of you thought i was not paying homage to the awesome one line zingers that maggie smith delivers each week.

well..

 say no more.

from now on i will record myself delivering said one liners AS lady violet and you hookers will vote for your favorite.

i do everything for your happiness.

 LINE 1

LINE 2 

LINE 3

LINE 4

master-bates,

ladycave

working on the recap + a downton abbey rap video (yes i am) is busy..buis..ness?

anyway..it's time consuming and hard.

so in the meantime here is a ladycave for us all to pretend we watch this show together in..

no boys allowed.

unless your newell. dressed as lord grantham.

he'd be way into it.

also, i am going to meet with my agents today to discuss why i'm not famous yet.

 and this:

downton can help.

last night i was fully content on recording downton and watching it tonight.

but then as i was sitting on the couch at 9:00 watching season 1, episode 4...knowing it was on another channel

i switched over and started watching...and would have continued until the end but mike was like..

gonna have to turn it off bc i'm about to fall asleep.

FFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!holes!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyway..

we watched the first hour..and boy was it good.

so no spoilers from you fartknockers!!!

we will finish up tonight and i will recap the nuts out of it tomorrow.

in the meantime watch the real owner of downton abbey aka highclere castle talk about what it's like to 'collect 'round the fyuh in the winter evenings to play quiz games and sha-rrods'...

edwardian farts,

thanks dad for the link.