well friends..
it would appear ben is coming around.
it would also appear tate's peen is a horcrux for voldemort.
interesting theories abound in this epsidoe..
thank goodness.
since they blew their wads with all of our questions answered in last week's epsiode
it was cool of them to add in new head scratchers.
so grab your nitrous oxide cans and let's recap this fucker!
the screen tell us it's 1947..
a cab pulls up outside murder house and out walks mena subaru (slut from american pie.)
(american beauty whatever)
she mosies ('walking' in 1947) up to the front door and knocks.
some dentist opens the door.
we see her in his office and she's insinuating that he can have sex with her in exchange for some dental work.
that happend a lot back then.
women just didn't have their own money and life stuff.
essentially if you weren't married you were a hooker.
i just made that up but it's probably true.
anyway..
the dentist tells her she needs to take the carnation out of her hair and she's all..
umm..it's a dahlia.
cuz...
she's the black dahlia.
a few moments later..
we see a woman walking her daughter in a stroller, the little girl goes..
"what's that mommy?"
"oh just a mannequin.. wait a seecc..."
yeah, not a mannequin.
just a human woman chopped in half wearing a glasgow smile,
looking like a tim burton movie.
back in modern times..
hot moira is making the bed and ben is like stop acting like an asshole slut
and make my daughter a sandwich.
moira's like you know you want this
and ben's like, um yeah..kinda..but i can't bc i love my wife.
moira looks like someone just told her she looked like frances conroy with a lazy eye.
and ben's space in hell just got a little bit more comfortable.
next door constance is mainlining teascotch while she paints what i think was adam and eve only adam was a fucking horrifying monster with half of his face missing.
was it larry burny face?
in walks viggo boyfreinsen (aka travis) with his hair and face perfection.
constance tells him to go get her some smokes from the korean and to take the dog with him.
once outside we see crayden standing there.
she starts to talk to travis and is like let's do sex.
somewhere in a bed they are sexing each other and he's like..
oooooops!
i just came inside you.
and cray's like...who cares i can't get pregnant.
travis hi-5's his peen.
crayden says she just wanted to see if she could do it with a guy who's alive.
OBSERVATION:
ghosts can fuck you.
next up is the introduction of crayden's bitch of a sister.
right off the bat she smells something fishy and it's not travis's weiner.
and then in walks crayden.
to defend her ben.
see look...i'm not dead or missing.
here i am.
OBSERVATION:
ghosts are just like us.
crayden continues on with..oh, i love you and i was a crazy bitch..sorry for being such a crazy bitch.
i ended up getting that pesky abortion after all..blah blah blah..
then ben's in his office and in walks the black D.
she's trying her old song and dance numbah.
ben's like, do you have an appointment?
you're so pretty.
she's like..
i am?
she moves in for some sex.
ben sees the sex in his mind's sex eye.
then the phone rings and it's that slut ass bitch ass slut doctor.
she's got some KABLAMMO to share..
viv's twins are the result of vitropaternachakalaka-something.
2 different baby daddies.
that is some soap opera shit if ever i did hear.
then constance storms into murder house with a bone to pick with violet.
she smelled some piznussy on her man and assumed it was violet.
really?
come on constance...you's smarter than that.
moira's like, hey guess what!?
mrs. harmon's babies have 2 different dads!
constance storms off looking for tate.
she knoooooows!!
a mother knows!
she finds tate in the basement (of course)
and proceeds to beat him about the head and neck like a mom boss.
back in ben's office ghost lesbian love is happening all over the couch.
oh ben.
even i would have given you a pass here.
jump in there!
shit like that NEVER happens in real life.
but alas..
ben is changing right before our eyes.
he tells black D to get out and moira that she's fired.
a few minutes later cray cray saunters in and wins best condescender...
telling black D all about how famous she really is.
we flashback to the dentist's office..
black D is in the chair and
the dentist is on top of her like a honey badger..
taking what it wants.
only she's still wearing the nitrous mask or whatever it is..
(that i could use around here)
he finishes up and then tries to wake her only..
guess what stupid???
she's dead.
not to worry here comes ghost doctor charles
to cut her into scraps.
OBSERVATION:
the ghosts can kill.
QUESTION:
how did cray know this?
moving on..
ben is visting viv in her concentration camp style room.
i am close to certain that he's about to tell viv that he believes that she was raped and how sorry he is and please let me get you out of here..
sadly he doesn't actually think any of this.
instead he calls her a slutty slut.
ben and cray get drunk in a bar.
blah blah you're so funny when you dance..
this song is so white...blah blah..
i have a crush..
blah blah..
then poof they are in the gazebo.
cray's like..it's written in the stars
OBSERVATION:
written in the stars=foreshaddowing
ben's like..nah..i don't love you.
crayden's like..whaaaaa???!!!
then you should know that some black guy has been hanging around your house a lot.
BAM!
she just planted the morris chestnut seed.
meanwhile constance wants to get married and have a baby with travis.
constance's most not smartest moment.
he says oh man..that's lame and gay.
i'm way too awesome to not be famous.
constance is superpissed and says he's no man and that he'll never be famous.
OBSERVATION:
more foreshaddowing.
anyway..
travis is so mad he needs to hate fuck crayden.
cray stabs him repeatedly.
nobody hate fucks crayden.
then a gaggle of ghosts appears in the basement to decide what to do with trav's corpse.
dr. charles is like..i know JUST what to do with him!
i will slice him black dahlia style.
cut to a bunch of brothers somewhere not so safe looking playing basketball..
one of them chases a runaway ball right to travis's sliced up remains..
and just like that travis is FAMOUS!!!!!
next we see constance visting viv in cell block slut.
constance asks about the baby.
bab-IES! corrects viv.
constance is all..i am a champ at raising kids.
viv plays the sick card and tells constance to FO.
constance says that being doubted ravages the soul.
viv suddenly has a change of heart and tells her that she was raped.
but don't tell the fam...
they need to think i've seen the error of my crazy brain eating ways.
constance zips up her mouth and throws away the key.
which is bullshit for...bitch i will rat you out in a minute and steal your babies.
next we see smoke-when-i'm-stressed-ben fiddling with the rent-a-cop alarm and in walks
morris chestnuts (resting in my open mouth)
looking all chestnutty.
ben smokes his way through a stupid speech about luke being the father of one of viv's babies.
luke proceeds to put that m'fer in his place saying..no i shoot blanks but should that baby be mine i damn sure would take care of it, but it's not and what do you care anyway you just called your wife a liar and a whore.
peace out.
ben stands holding rubber suit mask in his hands when moira rounds the corner with all her lazy sexy come-on's...
seriously i love the way she barely tries by the end of this episode.
ben asks moira if she saw anything weird..
she's like who cares?
you're a douchebag.
he admits to maybe making a horrible mistake about his wife..
and then my jaw dropped a little bc young moira became old moira..
she says.."you're finally starting to see things as they are"..
which is to say he sees a wrinkly old slut instead of a young hot slut.
and then shit starts to get REALLY weird..
next door constance and the craigslist psychic are having some cake and tea.
the rest of the show goes down like this:
constance: can ghosts have babies?
billie ray psychic: (shrugs) mmnknow.
but the pope has a magic box. it's in the chamber of secrets and
the secret is the end of days.
indiana jones: no. you're thinking about the holy grail and the temple of doom.
harry potter: no it's the sorcerer's stone and it's in the 3rd floor ladies room.
constance: would you two like some bundt cake?
indiana jones and harry potter: yes, please.
billie ray psychic: NO YOU TOTAL SLUTS! i'm talking about the immaculate conception with the devil's dong.
voldemort: yes. exactly.
constance: smell this bundt cake voldy..
voldemort: i can't i don't have a nose.
and scene.
what say you?
how do you feel about the religious angle being thrown in?
a part of me is like, that is the only way to go bc it leaves things in such a could be/couldn't be scenario.
plus nothing's more controversial than religion.
and then the good and evil aspect doesn't get more literal than this.
spill it sluts!
