hey guys.
sorry this is late.
the cruds had me not doing much for a few days and then my cat got sick so there was that.
anyway..
here we go..
we start off this week with letter-gate.
no letters for anna.
no letters for bates.
but as is so often the case in alternate universes like downton abbey town, zero letters + zero letters cancel each other out and make it RAIN LETTERS!!!
just kidding. there really are NO LETTERS!
and letters are all these 2 have.
apparently.
elsewhere...
mary is almost down to her birth weight!!
go mary!
anna, how is bates? are his romantic letters helping you to cope with his absence?
mrs. crawley gives a letter from ethel to mrs. hughes.
it probably does not say: this prostitution thing is really working out for me. my life is amazing. please do not send me poison to kill myself. this era is the #1 era for ladies like me. sincerely, ethel hhzzeehhckkklllrsh (the sound of syphilis infected lungs)
carson asks matthew and lord g if he is to call them both lordship now that they are both masters of downton..
matthew's baby-faced head pops off and he turns into a headless baby who hates being master of downton.
but lord G is like all the way yes!
carson's head explodes.
the next morning at breakfast..
matthew asks edith why she's not having breakfast in bed.
only married ladies eat in their beds, says edith.
see also lazy ladies, fat ladies, depressed ladies, ladies with pica (ladies who eat their beds in their beds), ladies who are moms and just want to watch the fucking housewives in peace!!!
matthew suggests she write to the times.
OH SHE WILL!!! says her indignant face.
mary is turning a nursery into a sitting room.
makes sense.
and then matthew breathes his nerd words all up in mary's ears.
only mary could take a nursery and turn it into a sitting room while getting some estrogen injections to make babies. because that's totally what she was doing at the doctor's, right?
edith brings some 'scent' and whining to granny...
she wants none of either of them.
but she does want to tell edith to do anything but gardening.
gardening is for old ladies.
and gay dudes.
anna cries some more about the letters.
here's an idea that a smart person would have..
walk down to the prison and ask him about the letters.
over on the set of les mis..
bates is sad about the letters.
but then his prison friend tells him someone has been intercepting the letters...
he's happy.
sad. happy. sad. happy.
remember when you liked this storyline?
kkllllurrrssshhhhhhcccrrlllllssshhh. (my own death rattle)
meanwhile..
alfred is fingering some spoons...
it's so gross.
he's becoming a spoon fingering superstar though, says carson.
finally we find out what ethel wants..
she needs mrs. hughes to write a letter to charlie's grandparents asking them to take charlie.
such is the life of a hopeless prostitute.
here's another idea that a smart person named mrs. crawley could have..
hire edith and take care of charlie yourself.
mrs. bird almost strokes out over handing ethel her coat.
also mrs. bird should change her name to mrs. the 5th beatle.
some mysterious man is running in the rain.
hint: it's tom branson.
a cryptic sybil tells edith she's alright but that col. mustard did it in the ballroom with the knife.
later during dinner there is a knock on the door...
it's wet, angry tom.
tom tells mary not to tell anyone.
mary conspires to hide tom upstairs but then goes and tells paPA and granny.
which is why i will never tell mary anything.
but what mary lacks in secret keeping she makes up for in beautiful, claret-colored dresses.
downstairs everyone plays the guess why tom was in the rain game..
daisy suggests he's running from the police..
what an idiot- says anna.
10 points from gryffindor- says mrs. hughes.
but then dumb ol mrs. hughes says he was out for a walk in the rain..
mrs. o'brien is like um. no dummy! why don't you go buy a toaster!
10 points from slytherin- says everyone else.
for the record..daisy was right.
treacle for everyone!!
upstairs there's a meeting to discuss what the shit is going on..
first of all where's sybil?
well...
apparently tom burned down a castle.
or at least he helped conspire to burn down a castle.
so he is 7/8ths responsible according to convenient laws of the 1920's aristocracy.
sybil is safe though but fending for herself.
which sends lord g over the edge.
but granny thinks it might have been a good idea to burn down that ugly old castle..
then tom tells a story that no one can relate to.
downstairs mrs. hughes bought a toaster.
carson thinks toasters are witchcraft.
witches think toasters are carsoncraft.
i think wine is delicious.
but who cares about a toaster when that hot slut jimmy arrives!!
jimmy kent shows up as the new possible footman.
he smells like apples.
all the girls are pleased.
especially thomas. she gets a boner in her downstairs.
next morning lord g is off to london to make things right.
because he is magic?
because he is a lord?
why hasn't he found anna and bates' missing letters?
that seems easier.
tom tells lord g that at least he knows he lives in a harsh world.
since when are 4 leaf clovers and lucky charms harsh
(i love irish people, mostly)
ethel and her adorable son charlie are meeting with the grandparents and isobel and mrs. hughes..
watching mothers give up their children is the BEST EVER!!!!
but c'mon, no one in reality would be that judgey of "someone like ethel"
while mainlining hooker cooter at the same time.
well played julian fellowes.
my blood was boiling.
back at les mis..
bate's "friend" is helping bates bc he can't stand bate's cellmate.
mary convinces carson to hire jimmy bc alfred looks like a puppy rescued from a puddle.
which is a semi-nice way of saying alfred looks like a "special" ginger with no eyebrows.
also jimmy makes all the girls horny and everyone likes horny girls.
ethel says goodbye to charlie.
this scene was not hard to watch at all.
it did not make me wanna kill people.
back at les miz
bunk search.
looks like someone left behind a reeaallly old tampon.
or maybe some chex mix?
i honestly have no clue.
a cat toy?
sybil shows up!
there is another family gathering.
mary does that belittling thing she does so well..
that ball crushing, soul crushing thing.
thankfully a letter arrives, by magical owl it would seem, to tell us all what to do.
neither tom nor sybil are to leave downton says the letter from lord g.
thomas spies jimmy getting dressed..
his skin is smooth and creamy like buttermilk.
o'brien lurks.
we see where this one is going, yes?
straight to gay town via the incrimination express.
lord g is back.
he's trying to figure out the best way to deal with this scandal.
saying they could have a maud gonne or a lady gregory on their hands.
because everyone knows who those ladies are.
especially americans.
but thanks to wikipedia now you do. (click the links. there is actually some interesting shit to be learned)
anyway...ireland called and said tom is banned forever.
hahahaha!!
i believe that is what's called irony.
it also moves this plot line in a new direction.
finally.
i believe we will never hear the words "irish rebel" ever again.
but sadly i believe 2 new words are to take their place..
"write" and "newspaper".
and just like that a new scandal is born.
after dinner matthew tries to bring up the downton books...
despite this photo his eyes have been opened to the way money is being spent around downton.
lord g is all...what? let's talk about that later...here have another really expensive cigar.
matthew wonders if he knows any other rich dead men he can inherit frrom.
over in les priz..
letters!!!!
carson smells smoke.
it's just the witch and her crazy pagan toaster.
sybil tells tom that their unborn baby is more important than living in ireland..
other things more important than living in ireland:
curing cancer.
obama care.
obamacare.
making sure people know canadian bacon is not bacon.
banning human pinatas.
shutting down all of guy fieri's restaurants.
shutting down that woman on the food network that looks like guy fieri.
a good gluten free recipe for cinnabons.
what's this???
edith's letter gets published!?
well that's good news isn't it?
it probably means edith is well on her way to writing her first book.
possible titles:
How To Almost Marry A One-Armed Old Guy.
Looks Don't Matter When You're A Writer.
I'm Really Sad You Guys, The True Story of Edith Crawley.
Downton Stabbey- Let The Bloodletting Begin. The Edith Crawley Murders
downstairs...
FUCKYEAHLETTERS!!!!!!
i hope (do not hope) they show the two of them reading the letters!!!
also..
a pretty new kitchen maid arrives downstairs..
daisy sets her on fire. with her eyes.
later..
matthew meets with granny.
he tells granny that downton is being mismanaged.
omg cllaasssssic downton!
aaaaannnndd......
you guessed it!
letter reading!!
hours and hours and hours and hours of letter reading.
i don't think this show could have ended more gayly.
ugh!
so ugh we need a new word for ugh.
discuss.
i did manage to poop out some downton zingers between blowing my nose and blowing my cat's nose.
enjoy..
