this episode went there ya'll.
and by there i mean my nightmares.
i wouldn't be surprised if, for many of you, this is the end of your AHS watching days.
nothing in this show scared me in the traditional sense but just about EVERYTHING made me want to poke sticks into my eyes.
but, despite having to choke back some vom i managed to mostly enjoy this week's episode!!
there were many plot turns and bits of chewy minotaur horns to sink our teeth into this week.
they make those for dogs right?
and 2 new and utterly (or udderly if you're a minotaur) inimitable broadway legends graced us with their presence!
patti lupone and christine ebersole!
let's hope ryan murphy had the good sense to add a musical number to a future episode.
as they say on broadway..
ON WITH THE SHOW!!
fiona can't seem to sleep and who can blame her?
who sleeps in a negligee and matching robe?
she notices her water is empty so she can't slide the pills down her throat.
she heads downstairs for the good shit.
she starts looking at the hogwarts grand staircase of portraits and notices holly hobbie's granny's portrait..
or is it the old maid on the 1970's version card game?
it's one of those.
but it's also christine ebersole. bow down.
a flashback ensues.
it's 1971
and we learn that the old maid is fiona's witch supreme mom.
and fiona is being played by..i don't know? not me?
i'd like to point out a very fun fact.
i auditioned to play the part of young jessica lange in tim burton's big fish.
the part went to alison lohman.
because let's face it i was too old even in 2003 to play the young jessica lange.
i did get to read for tim burton and richard zanuck.
aka the zanuck that died during RHOBH.
anyway...
young fiona is sucking the life and power out of her mom and current supreme.
which we learn is always the way.
once the new supreme starts to gain power the old one becomes disease ridden and eventually dies.
only fiona wants to be all supremey sooner than later so she slits her mom's throat. RUDE.
we see filch looking like a wedding singer in vegas in the background witnessing the whole thing.
and then flashforward? er..back to present day, fiona is coming out of her memory-funtime and filch is looking like filch again.
fiona slowly hisses.."what's the matter? cat got your tongue?"
cue creepy intro.
now we see present day fiona on a barstool poetically reciting all the reasons getting old sucks a bag of dicks.
which cuts right into her sitting in a plastic surgeon's office..
she doesn't really want to cut her face off and sew it back on tighter but i think that's what the doctor is suggesting.
see?
getting old really DOES suck a bag of dicks.
just ask madonna.
have you seen that shit lately?
meanwhile..
zoe visits kyle's mom..wendy from st. elmo's fire.
she is out of her scuba suit and has embraced her thickness.
she also smokes weed now and no longer wears pearls.
back at school..
some new neighbors are moving in.
in particular a shirtless young person.
his mother, played by patti lupone- bow down, enters and shuts down the nakedness. SO rude.
delphine hisses LIIIEEEESSSSS to fiona when fiona tells her that black people have held all sorts of office since her time including a black poet laureate.
her watching obama give his inaugural speech is priceless, hilarious even.
fiona goes on to tell delphy that she will be playing the part of maid.
and that if she doesn't play she goes back in the box.
later fiona tells delphy that not only will she be a maid but she'll be queenie's maid in her glorious "nothing i hate more than a racist" speech.
do you think paula deen thinks this is about her?
over in the anthropologie cabin in the woods...
misty and frankenkyle are laying around listening to some stevie jams.
misty has rubbed her favorite aligator doo doo all over his wounds and i have to say, it seems to be working.
i've got some stretch marks on my stomach that could stand to disappear.
seriously..who's got the aligator poop?
zoe shows up to steal kyle back.
misty cries and spins cries and spins.
nan bakes no shirt his favorite cake..
madison wears her best slutty dress but no shirt only has eyes for nan.
inside madison does her best impersonation of me talking to religious people and then starts throwing knives and setting the curtains on fire with her mind.
unfortunately i don't have that skill.
meanwhile foxxy can't have a baby (the natural way)..
and fiona gots the cancer.
zoe drops kyle off at mom's..
neighbor patti drops off the bible...
and proceeds to tell fiona all about firestarter madison.
ruh roh.
someone is the new supreme.
ok here goes..
if you watch this show this is probably the part where your eyes started to bleed and you punched whoever was sitting next to you and then conveniently hit pause to go and gather your damn self in the kitchen with a cup of something soothing.
if you don't watch prepare yourself...
so kyle's mom is a child molester.
of her own child.
SUPERPUKE!!!
this is how it went down at my house..
me: oh. she's close. man, she's close to his face. like that's kinda weird.
mike: oh god.
me: OHMYGODOHFUCK SHE'S KISSI...(gag noise)....SHE'S KISSING HIM SHE'S FRENCH KISS...(gag)..
mike: oh god.
me: oh no she's (nervous laughter) she's putting her hands down his pants..she's JERKING HIM OFF!!!
mike: oh god.
me: (hits pause button and walks it off)
mike: (frozen)
SERIOUSLY?!
i hope mom gets her face bashed in with a trophy.
meanwhile in the backroom at cornrow city ..
foxxy wants to have some of marie's special fertility potion.
marie tells foxxy that it's no picnic to partake in such a thing.
and in some kind of sideways magic show foxxy gets to see what that shit would be like.
foxxy dressed in a sexy red dress? check.
jar of an enormous amount of baby gravy?
check. (gag)
angela basset deep throating the hottest chili pepper in the world?
check.
scarificial baby goat spewing forth it's neck blood all over foxxy's body?
check. rub that shit in? check check.
except it's only a projected vision and marie says not in a million years will she give anything to the daughter of her arch enemy.
and then she goes back to her bone throne and solitaire game.
foxxy is super sadmad.
meanwhile..
fiona and madison become bff's.
madison talks about her mom, dina lohan.
later delphine is giving queenie the shit stare of all shit stares and queenie is giving delphine the imma eat you stare.
queenie discovers that the "maid" is really delphine lalaurie and a total racist bitch!
queenie goes to stomp on her and something passes by the window.
long story short..
delphine explains that the thing outside is her old house boy made into a minotaur.
queenie cuts delphine, for the scent of blood?
still not 100% sure why she did that..
and then goes outside to confront the minotaur...
but instead of killing him or eating him she starts doing it with him.
his hooves carressing her shoulders, his horns stabbing tickling her face.
it's super weird and out of left field and i don't need to see gabourie sidibe pretending to masturbate.
ever.
st. elsewhere...
kyle's mom gets her face bashed in with a trophy!!!!
as gross and awesome as this is at least we know we won't have to endure that other shit anymore.
over on the other side of town...probably in one of the wards..
fiona takes madison out to play pool and get drunk.
but then in a sly turn of events she tells madison all about the cancer and that she's the new supreme and that she killed her own mother and squandered away her gifts and money and power and then she pulls out the knife she killed her own mother with and "accidentally" slits madison's throat.
but then she walks over to filch who's ready with a hanky for wiping away the blood on her hands and smiles.
all that confessing for nothing.
she sits down on a chair and delivers what is probably the most awesome line to be had by anyone, yet.
"this coven doesn't need a new supreme. it needs a new rug."
the end.
enjoy my favorite fiona moments of the night...
so...thoughts?
here are mine:
gabourey sidibe can't act.
sorry. she's an adorable dumpling wrapped up in a chocolate truffle body and i'd like to squeeze the stuff out of her and i'm sure she's the nicest person, like, EVER, but there isn't an ounce of nuance in that body of hers.
nan, on the other hand..kills it!
plus the whole sudden minotaur beast love fest was kind of weird and sudden and the set up was odd and i'm not sure why.
maybe gaby was so bad they had to cut some shit out.
and speaking of nan, she and the new guy are totally going to be in love.
so if madison is dead who will be the new supreme?
or is it that once you are chosen the supreme you are supreme no matter what?
i still say the supreme will show up as stevie nicks.
or diana ross.
how terriblawesome would that be?
did i get everything?
sound off witches!
