where the fuck is everybody?

Gabriela Eisenhart July 4, 2012

ramona says..."why aren't you on the blogs? i see you on pinorerest or peentrist or whatever it's called so why are you pretending that you're not here or there when REALLY you are just hiding from me because you don't like me or my blog anymore."

ok, not really.

i know it's the 4th and summer and people are doing things and i get it.

go and have your fun (in london) without me.

while you guys are all out shooting firecrackers out of your b-holes i need to

play catch up with the NY 'houzwiivz'..

luann is trying to have a baby (gross)

aviva just wants to fit in

ramona is...i don't know what ramona is

carole is a free spirit tryin to be free, man

heather hates ramona and mario and not talking

sonja is a caterer

i love this show.

i seriously never want it to end.

somehow i was jealous that i wasn't invited to london.

that's how '4th wall' i am while i'm watching.

even though i can see right through this show and all the bullshit trips and parties that are planned in order to HAVE a show worth watching..

i give no fucks about that..

i still watch like an abuela watches univision.

LIKE IT'S REAL!!!

this week we are still in ramona is not invited to london land..

aviva, for some good quality air time and feather ruffling decides it's her goddamned mission in life to get ramona on that plane to london.

heather's like, bitch please...i don't want to say that i hate ramona but i hate ramona.

at this point i think SOMEONE needs to say that they hate ramona!

wait, hate is a strong word..

how about someone just tell her what an asshole she can be...

i'll say it!! i'll say it!!!!

it would go something like this..

me: hey ramona..listen...instead of whining about not going to london why don't you

try and figure out WHY you aren't invited to london.

it's because you are a big ole crazy bitch and not in a good way.

ramona: stab stab stab

i mean that's the truth right?

ramona seems like she could be real fun and cool but she lets jealousy rear it's ugly head and she's so goddamned awkward and insecure that she turns into a paranoid psycho.

she needs drugs. and i don't say that lightly.

i gotta give it up for heather...

she's not backing down and caving and inviting ramona.

she seems smart, albeit suuuuper annoying, about life things.

another storyline they are gagging us with is luann and her baby making dreams..

how awkward was this whole question and answer session?

VERY awkward.

look, i love babies and i love love but i am super grossed out about the fact that this is a storyline.

i mean the whole awkward talk with victoria, then this "no really, i swear i'm not menopausal" talk with the doctor...

it's just too much.

and i get that you have a young boyfriend who doesn't have kids and that you might feel like you OWE him something...or maybe you're scared that if you don't give him a kid he'll leave you for a younger woman..

but i don't think i need to tell a classy countess that having babies for a man is real dumb.

i shouldn't have to remind you countess that you are pushing 50 (47) and that you'll have to run around and take care of a toddler right about the time your menopause kicks into high gear..

you have 2 smart and beautiful children...

USE THIS TIME FOR YOURSELF!!

travel, have parties in your big ole houses, enjoy your relationship!! TRAVEL!

who else smells her desperation?

or am i just being a cold hearted bitch?

carole and ramona meet because ramona needs a sane person's opinion on how to talk to humans..

we all love carole, right?

i mean she was wearing a baseball jacket!!

and she is clearly entertained by the lunacy of ramona.

as i would be.

i would totally want ramona on a trip, so long as her craziness was directed toward someone else.

ramona finds out that carole is a bonafide princess and all she can think of is how it's going to piss off luann.

then we all watch as carole awkwardly wipes ramona's pinot grigio scented drool from her cool baseball jacket.

afterwards carole and ramona are off to meet heather and aviva at curve..

the apparent most awesome place to shop in all of NYC..says heather.

heather's friend owns it and the two of them are throwing clothes all over everyone in

another super awkward forced meeting.

heather's mouth diarrhea explodes with "hey look at aviva she only has one leg! don't give her shoes it draws attention to it".

then she sticks her head out the door and with her megaphone mouth blasts that information to all of NY.

meanwhile ramona takes a shit all over the clothes.

carole gets news that her 2nd book is being turned into a tv show.

everyone is excited for her, except ramona who takes a shit in a circle around carole...

and then tells us (me) that her wine is being sold at target.

carole goes on a date with a 31 year old...

good for her.

she acts like she doesn't know.

she knows.

i want all of carole's clothes and i want to know what shampoo and condtioner she uses.

my favorite housewives in order:

carole

sonja

and

carole

tomorrow i will give a jersey rundown.

happy 4th of ju-ly.

don't blow your faces off.

you guys are the best!

Gabriela Eisenhart June 6, 2012

a million trillion thanks for all the lovely words yesterday.

i never have a problem pouring it out to you guys over things like,

my butt, my buttzits, my vagina, my anxiety disorder,

my poop disorder.

but showing your design work on a (mostly) design blog where people are looking through their savvy design eyeballs (judging) is real scary.

not that i know i can't make a pretty room, i surely can..

but not having it EXACTLY where i want it means that it isn't EXACTLY what i want to show you.

and that can be dangerous if you're a decorator person.

but i couldn't wait another 3 months to show you what you've all been patiently waiting for.

plus this way those of you wanting to decorate your own spaces can see that it doesn't always come together perfectly and mistakes ARE made and you CAN change your mind and you WILL change your mind.

and because i am crazy for decorating i already want to change things.

somehow i can't seem to get brown and white gingham out of my head.

how sick would that headboard look in a brown and white gingham against those purply walls?!

i'll tell you one thing..

would be a lot easier for me to pick bedding.

but as i said, this room is for fiona not for me and i don't really have the means to decorate a corner of a doll house let alone a real house right now...so

there you are.

but anyway..thanks.

i mean it.

in honor of my thanks i give you this:

raise your hand if you watched all 90 minutes of this bullshit the other night and were like..

you guys seriously had to rehash last year's ramona hurt luann's feelings with her weekend mom comment!?

at a set up party no less?

that was such a bullshit flavored set up that even aviva's bag of legs gave andy cohen the (wooden toe) finger.

and i of course loved every minute of it..

here are my takeaway thoughts on this whole parade of insanity.

#1 jersey housewives are my favorite housewives.

rosie is my hero.

#2 luann looked mesmerizingly beautiful in every single scene.

#3 heather-

mario and ramona were RIGHT!

shut the fuck up already.

and if ramona is talking you need to shut your giant man face and listen.

it's RAMONA!!

respect.

#4 heather i am sorry your baby was born with a liver condition i cannot imagine what that must have been like and a million hugs to you for having to endure that.

BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP ANYWAY!!

#5 ramona- you shut up too.

this way heather doesn't have to not listen to you.

#6 sonja- my sweet sonja.

i love you and have nothing bad to say about you.

#7 aviva-

sorry about your leg.

you seem to be handling it like a boss.

and you have 4 kids.

ultimate respect.

i can barely manage one, with BOTH of my legs.

#8 carole-