crazy

i'll be honest,

i chose this video because of the title.

not because of the type of crazy the woman (still not convinced on that bit) in the video exudes...

but because on sunday, may 19th, i WAS a crazy lady on an airplane...

watch:

let's discuss the varying levels of crazy there are in the world.

well, there is this level of crazy..

which is usually drug and/or alcohol induced or she (he?) is just simply missing several crucial brain parts and/or is her own cousin.

as in she is the product of a brother/sister relationship.

therefore she is her own cousin and sibling rolled into one beautiful, crazy, toothless, oversized t-shirt wearing nutjob.

and there is MY kind of crazy.

seemingly normal, funny, loving and attentive mother, functions well in society, wears clothes that fit, doesn't talk to herself in public...etc..

but she secretly or not so secretly has an anxiety disorder.

which is it's own kind of scary.

although it's a silent scary.

as in no one knows it's happening to you until you jump up from your airplane seat and run down the aisle and tell the flight attendants (all SIX of them) that you need to get the fuck off of this airplane.

and then they tell you that they need to call a red coat (that's an official crazy person transporter) to come and unlock the door and escort you off the plane.

and the thought of this is mind blowingly-embarrassing, but more embarrassing would be to turn around and face all those strange faces glaring at you with death ray stares and walk past them to sit back down in your seat.  so you choose to hold the red coat's hand and cry in the hopes that everyone will feel sorry for you, or at least treat you with kid gloves.

and then when you are escorted off and the red coat looks at you, not with eyes of pity and understanding, but with eyes of disgust and annoyance it is all you can do to not run back down the jet bridge and jump in front of the airplane.

because the truth is her eyes are just a reflection of your own eyes.

a reflection of my own disgust and disappointment.

so what happened?

i'm not sure.

let me back up..

i left for the airport sunday morning for my trip to new york and blogfest..

no more nervous than any normal person would feel about flying and/or travelling..

just the usual stresses,

ya know?

i got to the airport, i grabbed a water and took some vitamins and i waited until it was time to board.

i sat down in my seat..

i texted a few people..."woo hoooo here i come" kind of stuff.

it started to get really hot.

i even texted tobe and asked her why are planes so hot?

i was feeling uneasy but again, not anymore uneasy than i usually feel about flying.

as in i'm not scared of flying but i get a little nervous just before take off and landing.

that's normal, right?

but then...as everyone was settling into their seats i looked down the L O O O O O O O O O N G aisle in front of me and i saw the flight attendants locking shit down..

 my brain started shouting...

"ABORT!! ABORT!!! ABORT MISSION!!! ABORT MISSION NOW!!!"

i was squirming in my seat..i was sort of stand sitting..contemplating getting off the airplane or staying on the airplane or what?!!  i was freaking out.. up down up down...oh shit what do i do?

they are going to shut that door and then i am trapped on this plane and that's it..

that's it!!!  

and that's when i ran off and gave in to the demon in my head.

 so why?

again, i'm not sure...

i suspect lots of things.

for one, i HATE leaving fiona..but i usually get over that relatively quickly.

i have been a panic attack sufferer for 13 years but i usually am able to quell them with mantras and xanax.

and travelling alone to a city i have never been to before...new york city at that..was causing a good bit of anxiety.

but...it was more than that..

i think in many ways i was nervous about meeting a lot of bloggers and people who read my blog (newell!!!) and the possibility that they would think i wasn't nearly as cool in person as i seem on my blog (let's face it i seem pretty cool here).

and i think that once those airplane doors closed all of these thoughts (and more that i haven't realized yet) came rushing to me in one instant and i freaked out.

so...

no, i didn't make it to blogfest.

and i am pretty gutted about it.

i have had weeeeird dreams every night since sunday.

including a sex dream about newell.

sorry newell...i know you don't swing with the ladies but you did in my dream.

i think it was pity sex. (thank you)

and i woke up monday morning with a benign sickness..sore throat, puffy eyes and general exhaustion.

i feel like dick.

anyway..

i didn't want to ignore this on the blog and just start posting about the usual while some of you would be like...

soo...tell us about blogfest you dipshit!!

and i didn't want to lie and say that i missed my flight bc of weather or some such nonsense.

i intend to explore this and figure out what went wrong and try to get some help.

i feel like if i had to do it all over again the exact same thing would happen...and that's not ok with me.

i am not going to run away from this.

i am going to fix it.

somehow.

i'll keep you posted.

so let's go back to that crazy lady up there.

in a way, i envy her type of crazy.

i mean she is clearly having some kind of issue with something.

but she is getting through it.

in her own crazy way.

watch her..she tries to calm herself down at one point. 

perhaps if i just went with my fear instead of trying to fight it and run away from it.

i might have looked like this kind of crazy...but at least i'd be in new york.

and P.S.

to those two douchebags recording her..

FUCK YOU!

to the lady- nice fucking 80's mall head.

to the dude: nice fucking neck medallions.

judgement is for assholes.

thanks for listening.

so spill it.

who else is crazy?