i have a spider. a big, fat orb weaver who comes out at dusk and fixes her giant web at the broken pieces and waits for something to land (it’s been over a week and nothing has) and then retreats back to some crack somewhere close at around 7:30 AM or so. my god a spider is patient and determined, they do the most and then the least. i sit at my my dining room/work table in what is essentially a dining room, but really it’s just the other side of the kitchen. it’s an eat-in kitchen! (with an extraordinary lack of outlets) i digress. i’m staring out the window looking at her (she’s a she right?) and just beyond her and her colossal web into my new yard. it doesn’t get a lot of sun but that’s ok, i have lots of knowledge on what works in shady spots. there’s a cemetery just up the road that i can see too. i’ll see a lot more of it once the leaves on all the trees are gone. i’m pretty excited about it. who doesn’t love a cemetery? spooky is my favorite.
you ever think about how often people adapt? i’ve always thought i was pretty good at adapting, but the truth is you really don’t have a choice. when big change hits you just do. adapt. sometimes quicker than other times. i mean i guess it depends on what you’re adapting to, right? death maybe not so much.
also i never know what day it is. also we moved. if that wasn’t obvious already. and when i say we i mean we all did. mike, fiona and myself. and the cats. we’re still working out how to manage 2 mostly feral cats into a new yard. the internet says leave them where they are because they could die in a new place trying to wander back to their old place. thanks internet. they also recommend this. this notion that 700+ dollars is doable for regular people is somewhat infuriating and adds tremendously to my stress. which is a lot. more than i’ve ever had in my life. it’s not just the move or the cats; mike anderson and i are splitting. you kinda knew that i’m sure. i’ve been figuring out how to work it into the conversation since the spider. we have been on the cusp of a split for a long time. it’s as amicable as any split could be i guess.
it’s a big emotional time for me. it doesn’t entirely feel real but it also feels entirely right. fiona is doing great, if you were wondering. she’s known this was coming for a while and i think is relieved quite frankly. i am watching very closely and she is loved and nurtured above all else.
my mood is good. apart from crippling anxiety. i’ve never really been on my own before and paying bills has never been my province. it’s regretful to say the least. but i am hopeful and determined.
i have been flooded with love from so many of you. i cannot tell you how much it is lifting me up. in really profound ways. i have messages on insta that i have read and re-read over and over bc they’re personalized inspiration! and not just word gifts! gift-gifts! i have received so many things….a whole foods gift card, a TOASTER (an amazing breville that i absolutely love), beautiful art, dinner, a yummy candle, a weekend at a cabin in north georgia! just so many things. but it’s the words. many of you have been through it and have taken the time to relate to me. and i can’t thank you enough. it gives me hope.
adapting is the key, innit? when i go to sleep every night i manifest. i pray. i mantra. i hug my own body. and i sleep. and most days i wake up ready to fight. some days i don’t. but i am giving myself lots of room here. because no one will ever just be great. being great is a lie. we are all here to just keep moving. spinning our little webs and doing the most and the least in the relatively short amount of time we have.
thanks for being here. onwards and upwards as they say.
house posts and inspiration posts coming soon.
xxoo