design star recap- LOL 4EVER!!

i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.

last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.

the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).

my underarms smell like onions.

and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.

we gots'to make this quick..

this week the turds are on the jersey shore..

the jersey shore

standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen

 the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free.  smart thinking semens!  maybe. 

the semens

cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???

once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.

meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..

kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?

"neeeigh!"

that means yes!

meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..

"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"

 just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..

they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..

look closely...inspiration is happening.

 leslie hangs some doormats..

brett gets a cute chair..

kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..

 cathy don't give a shit.

meg buys some ugly fabric..

karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..

seashore mural of dumbness

cathy hates life and kevin.. 

mark is making a rope ladder..

"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"

"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"

bret is losing..

no really.  he loses.

day 3.

the day of the bromstad.

as in on camera tip day.

as in i don't care day.

as in this is the worst part of this show.

as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.

as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.

day 3.5

judgement day.

vern and genevieve show up.

tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..

kathy ireland..

 since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..

it's called: swim meat

scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.

back to the judging..

kathy loves everything.

genevieve loves leslie's rugs.

vern loves sweaters.

collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:

it was my favorite too.

and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.

in its defense..

it was fun.

in its offensiveness..

it was still gimmicky.

in last place was bret and his headboard..

 whatever..

6 of one, a half dozen of the other.

6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..

6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.

turd love,

design turd: mosaic turds

day 1-

new jersey cul de sac.

the challenge:

decorate some poor bastard's house.

there are 2 houses and therefore 2 poor bastards.

5 turds to 1 house.

poor bastard 1:

"i want something that doesn't suck bawls"

poor bastard #2:

"i want something that my kids can play in but looks like an adult space and doesn't suck bawls"

too bad bastards!!

EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS!

cathy does the horses share of the shopping for her and brett and karl's room.

she buys a travertine topped table and some other ugly shit.

"travertine=global perspective".

chomp chomp chomp

 karl is all..i wanna shop too..  

karl and brett are over that bitch cathy..

"i'm so over that bitch cathy"

and cathy's all...

"whatchoo talkin bout karl? emmy emmy emmy..neigh.."

day 75

karl gets his way..

"don't worry bout it i'm just gonna smash em up and make the ugliest shit you ever saw"

mark and doug are fightin over paint and life..

fake smiles in a sea of vomit.

mark is all...

"i have a deep connection with nature and raw materials"

speaking of raw vaginas..

grab the (my) vagina, mark...grab the vagina..

and then kevin was all...

"just put me in the basement where i belong" 

and then meg was all..

"my style is vintage palm beach" 

and i was all excited thinking..

oooooo like this?

and this???

 and she was all..

no like this..

 and i was all..

and then leslie was all... 

 "i'm a lesbian"

and i was all..

don't you mean a les-LI-bian?

and then she mistook paint for putty, spilling it all over the new carpet

and fiona was all...

 and then bromstad showed up and i wanted to peel my face off my skull bones..

actually he seems super nice..

and then the novogratzs showed up...

and that shit got serious.

you should know that no footage exists of the novogratzs actually liking anything they saw.

here is why...

(brace yourselves)

it's seriously the WORST PART ABOUT THAT KITCHEN!!! 

just because you can do mosaic doesn't mean you should do mosiac. 

why is everything the color of cat puke and vagina?

totally. 

 would you like some tea with your throw up?

 

worst rug in the universe. 

angled rugs + pillows on the floor = poop.

murder.

sarah richardson is somewhere touching herself.

the best by a mile.

it's insipid but it doesn't offend me. 

oddly enough tweedleturd won with this: 

murder corner.

and doug lost with his vagina wall.

someone wake me up when it's down to mark and karl.

 

design star and cat vom. same thing.

last night i woke up at 3 am and had to clean huge piles of technicolor cat puke off my floor and bed.

and it TOTALLY reminded me of design star!!!!

art imitates life!

this week the turds had the dreaded white box challenge...

box of whiteness

this is only considered  "dreaded" bc they have to decorate their tiny, white rooms with stupid shit.

in this case, stupid shit from a stupid restaurant supply store.

like..

water bottles..

fuck you ozone layer.

and apples..

horses love apples.

 i feel for the turds on this one...i really do.

i mean no one decorates real rooms in real life with shit from a restaurant supply store. 

not even a restaurant does.

so they have to be conceptual.

not functional.

aka HARD.

and dumb.

anyway...

here's my entry:

i call it 'ketchup krimes'.
 

mark had the winning room:

 and here's why..

he didn't try to make an ugly ass room out of peppercorns and spice mosaic.

he had a concept based on his grandfather's WWII hat and he made an art installation.

j had the losing room:

not sure why she lost over this..

 

but there it is.

showing you the rest of the rooms would be like raping your eyes with sticks dipped in salt, so i won't.

 instead i will entertain you with vagina analogies.

box=vagina. 

"i want when someone looks at my box.. to know without a doubt..that's kellie's box"

"my wow factor will be my fire box"

"day two and my box is still white"

 "my box reflects me..not only because it's a space i would probably live in but it's also very ordered, it's very.....simple"

thom filicia was the guest judge.

he made faces like this:

and this..

 and i made faces like this..

and this..

turd box,

verndetta...(so much better than a vengina- but still involving vaginas)

this blog is about to get real-er..

the gloves are coming off this year..

as in i am going to draw my period all over everyone..

ladyfire, 

bizness as usual

 it seems weird to just show awesome rooms to you after i was near oprah status this weekend.

i wish i could tell you that they signed me up right after they saw my sparkle charms.

and i wore sequins so i was for real sparkle charming.

but they didn't.

here's what they did tell me... 

i did great.

that despite the whirlwind last few days, the next few months would be quiet..

as in, don't freak out if 2 months go by and you haven't heard a word...

they also told me i needed to be discreet from here on out and that i couldn't divulge what went down yesterday or the casting process.

sad for you all.

but i have a feeling..a good one. 

i have also realized that i could be on national tv looking like a great big asshole with big boobs and no real design experience.  

and i have also realized that i could be leaving my sweet fi for 2 months.

wrap your head around that one for a minute moms...

yeah...not a fun thought at all. 

anyway..as you can imagine i am waffling somewhere around super excitement and bone chilling terror.

but i don't mind the wait.

not at all.

in fact, i am going to use this time to really focus on the what if..

what if i am on this show?

well then i want to be 100 percent certain that i can do anything they throw my way.

don't get me wrong, i won't be crafting shit out of orange rinds or toilet paper.

i am just going to focus on MY thing..

combining old and new..

mixing high and low..

and just generally putting shit together in a new and awesome way.

so we can stop talking about it now.

we can get back to pretty rooms and housewives.

thanks again for all of your support and well wishes.

you guys will be the first to know anything that happens.

i promise you that.

now hire me so i can practice.

let the crafting commence...

contemplating my plan of being as awesome as i possibly can in as little time as possible..

after 6.5 hours of waiting,

i went into a room with 2 tables.

each table had a nice person sitting behind it.

i sat at one of the tables, talked to the nice person about things.

APPROVED!

i go on to the next round tomorrow.

this is the camera round.

there will be a demonstration on camera.

and lots of personality shimmer and maybe dancing. 

tired.

but happy.