design turd: mosaic turds

Gabriela Eisenhart July 27, 2011

day 1-

new jersey cul de sac.

the challenge:

decorate some poor bastard's house.

there are 2 houses and therefore 2 poor bastards.

5 turds to 1 house.

poor bastard 1:

"i want something that doesn't suck bawls"

poor bastard #2:

"i want something that my kids can play in but looks like an adult space and doesn't suck bawls"

too bad bastards!!

EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS!

cathy does the horses share of the shopping for her and brett and karl's room.

she buys a travertine topped table and some other ugly shit.

"travertine=global perspective".

chomp chomp chomp

karl is all..i wanna shop too..

karl and brett are over that bitch cathy..

"i'm so over that bitch cathy"

and cathy's all...

"whatchoo talkin bout karl? emmy emmy emmy..neigh.."

day 75

karl gets his way..

"don't worry bout it i'm just gonna smash em up and make the ugliest shit you ever saw"

mark and doug are fightin over paint and life..

fake smiles in a sea of vomit.

mark is all...

"i have a deep connection with nature and raw materials"

speaking of raw vaginas..

grab the (my) vagina, mark...grab the vagina..

and then kevin was all...

"just put me in the basement where i belong"

and then meg was all..

"my style is vintage palm beach"

and i was all excited thinking..

oooooo like this?

and this???

and she was all..

no like this..

and i was all..

and then leslie was all...

"i'm a lesbian"

and i was all..

don't you mean a les-LI-bian?

and then she mistook paint for putty, spilling it all over the new carpet

and fiona was all...

and then bromstad showed up and i wanted to peel my face off my skull bones..

actually he seems super nice..

and then the novogratzs showed up...

and that shit got serious.

you should know that no footage exists of the novogratzs actually liking anything they saw.

here is why...

(brace yourselves)

it's seriously the WORST PART ABOUT THAT KITCHEN!!!

just because you can do mosaic doesn't mean you should do mosiac.

why is everything the color of cat puke and vagina?

totally.

would you like some tea with your throw up?

worst rug in the universe.

angled rugs + pillows on the floor = poop.

murder.

sarah richardson is somewhere touching herself.

the best by a mile.

it's insipid but it doesn't offend me.

oddly enough tweedleturd won with this:

murder corner.

and doug lost with his vagina wall.

someone wake me up when it's down to mark and karl.

design star and cat vom. same thing.

Gabriela Eisenhart July 19, 2011

last night i woke up at 3 am and had to clean huge piles of technicolor cat puke off my floor and bed.

and it TOTALLY reminded me of design star!!!!

art imitates life!

this week the turds had the dreaded white box challenge...

box of whiteness

this is only considered "dreaded" bc they have to decorate their tiny, white rooms with stupid shit.

in this case, stupid shit from a stupid restaurant supply store.

like..

water bottles..

fuck you ozone layer.

and apples..

horses love apples.

i feel for the turds on this one...i really do.

i mean no one decorates real rooms in real life with shit from a restaurant supply store.

not even a restaurant does.

so they have to be conceptual.

not functional.

aka HARD.

and dumb.

anyway...

here's my entry:

i call it 'ketchup krimes'.

mark had the winning room:

and here's why..

he didn't try to make an ugly ass room out of peppercorns and spice mosaic.

he had a concept based on his grandfather's WWII hat and he made an art installation.

j had the losing room:

not sure why she lost over this..

but there it is.

showing you the rest of the rooms would be like raping your eyes with sticks dipped in salt, so i won't.

instead i will entertain you with vagina analogies.

box=vagina.

"i want when someone looks at my box.. to know without a doubt..that's kellie's box"

"my wow factor will be my fire box"

"day two and my box is still white"

"my box reflects me..not only because it's a space i would probably live in but it's also very ordered, it's very.....simple"

thom filicia was the guest judge.

he made faces like this:

and this..

and i made faces like this..

and this..

turd box,

million dollar buttholes

Gabriela Eisenhart July 14, 2011

it's hot as fuck.

summer is my sad season.

everyone else is frolicking on beaches and enjoying cool drinks in moderately hot climes (that word is dumb- never ever use it) by the pool.

i am stuck inside bc the air outside is like poison fire in my lungs and i have been warned by news persons

that should i go outside i might die.

for real.

summer is a dick.

but i had to spend a good portion of the day in the car with broken windows.

so i had to inhale heat fire mixed with car pollution.

volatile.

i think i am dead.

this post is late for all of those reasons and more.

once again this show focused on the boring shit and not enough on the interesting shit..

like mary and nathan eating BBQ...

or k ire getting drunk and passing out by the pool.

and what we didn't see...

which was kathryn eating a pool boy, godzilla style, with her mouth. (and vagina)

on to the recap.

get ready to be bored mostly..

first up glowy and kathryn discuss shopping for lights and stuff..

this scene managed to make me want mcdonalds .

nathan makes a frankenstein couch..

and he can't have no frankenstein couch at high point.

r u asleep yet?

meanwhile mary works in a CIA bunker..

she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..

they are trying to find the french word for spider.

cuz her lamp looks like a spider.

duh.

what's french for botox?

la chirurgie plastique

aka scarelarious.

meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..

nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..

hotels are gross in general btw.

even the nice ones.

wait...this one was nice wasn't it?

or was it?

i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.

(p.s. they didn't stay here)

back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..

wait..

what?

oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.

i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.

let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...

who's got a scythe?

so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.

no..really.

look:

it's a janice dickinson table.

but it's too small for a coffee table.

fiona prolly coulda told em that..

back at high point..

NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL!!!!

newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!

i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.

anyway..

newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.

and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..

over this couch:

which was totally not the best couch.

back in palm springs..

martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?

but kathryn's all..

pool fuckers!

with a side of food and liquor.

6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..

as an aside..

martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..

it's called:

delicious

the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate, and jizz.

soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..

no shit it's good, mary.

once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.

AND SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!

NO...ALIVE!!!!

but i'm pretty sure 30 years have past.

rumplekathskin.

verndetta...(so much better than a vengina- but still involving vaginas)

Gabriela Eisenhart July 9, 2011

this blog is about to get real-er..

the gloves are coming off this year..

as in i am going to draw my period all over everyone..

ladyfire,

million dollar doucherators.. recapping.

Gabriela Eisenhart June 8, 2011

ross and JAM in la jolla.

i want to punch ross in the nuts immediately.

does anyone else think this guy is a serial killer?

nathan

stop being so cute nathan.

back at la jolla. ross is still creeping.

"who needs awrt when you have a 300 yee old cahved panool?"

nathan and melissa shop for moroccan imports. and all i wanna do is jump through the fucking tv and and spray my scent all over everything.

this little corner in particular:

and then i see clay pots for $295 and i wanna punch ross in the nuts again.

note to decorators: if you stop buying pots for $295 people will stop selling pots for $295 dollars. it's called supply and demand.

and then there's the matter of a 50,000 dollar floor from spain that is to be installed in a house, on a CLIFF, in southern california. i hope she has awesome earthquake insurance.

back at the office that sir osbourne built:

ellen pom-pay-o has a gift.

martyn starts tongueing chocolates and i feel violated.

mary and the budget scene.

2 things here make me want to punch ross in the nuts.

1. her eyebrows and general forehead area.

2. her unwillingness to slash the budget and also again..her forehead.

and over at melissa's..

uh oh. broken tiles.

nathan is summoned to talk to john cougar mellencamp tracy about it.

back to

JAM and bread ross..

bed's not ready. ross's phone has giant numbers on it. nutpunch.

villa blanca?

kathryn and MLB. lunch at the vanderpumps.

i make no bones about the fact that i LOVE kathryn ireland. we both have enormous boobs and love to drink wine. instant scissor sisters.

martyn waxes on about his chocolate addiction and subsequent girth.

that bitch mary..

looking for antlers.

and a $2400 box the size of my butt (small and square) that is apparently, "a steal".

this is absurd..

yet..

for a brief moment i start to seize.

she is spending LOTS of money and i want to spend lots of money too.

especially other people's money.

the hypnotist's house.

chocolate in charge of our days and our nights.

i want

i want chocolate in charge of me.

the hypnosis begins and i will bet you kendra's house martyn has a giant boner.

back at rossy ross and cult JAM.

time to install the 8 million dollar bed.

the room is meh.

and the sink is too small. it looks fucking stupid.

small sinks are not "rich people sinks". they are stupid sinks.

or for small handed freaks.

over at kathryn's we get to watch her gum some chocolates.

meanwhile..

nathan tries to convince melissa that her tiles look amazing.

for 50,000 dollars?

i could have thrown some 1 dollar clay tiles on the ground, poured a little acid on them (or jacqueline's pee) and picked up 3 dudes on the corner of ponce and home depot to lay that shit down for about 500 dollars. and then i would have told you that they came from a 1000 year old villa in spain and you would have been all..."OMG that looks so uh-maaaa-zing!"

no lie.

the rest though?

i. die.

but isn't "bohemian moroccan" sort of redundant?

so is "bohemian ethnic".

i wanna lick your face right now.

back at casa kendra..

i want to deliver one final crushing blow to ross's nuts.

because..

larry (aka mary's lesbian assistant, nancy) decides to do things her way.