we left off at the wedding..

wait a second..

we never actually saw the wedding.

all that bunting in the trees and i can't even hear the vows?

wait.

is it because dan stevens and michelle dockery have no chemistry so to actually show them exchanging real love type vows would have seemed absurd?

ok then.

carry on.

so the top of this episode we see mary and matthew in a car..

HOW CUH-RAAAAZY!

pa pa will just die!!!!

granny will poop in her weird old fashioned underwear.

cars are essentially space ships.

matthew even goes so far as to say that LG and granny will howl at the moon in unison.

bc they're wolves. and wolves hate cars.

they pull up to downton to be met by LG who asks matthew how the honeymoon was..

his response was "my eyes have been opened".

to which LG replies..."don't i know it".

a couple of ideas on what they might be referring to...

1. mary's pussy is crazy good.

2. women are crazy.

i'm gonna go with 1 and 2.

and either way...gross.

downstairs thomas and o'brien are in a total fight...

i am not sure how i feel about this friendship gone sour.

but i'll never be more sure of those bangs.

never.

there's a dinner where everyone talks about the honeymoon and stuff.

all i can do during this scene is try not to gag while shirley maclaine eats.

sorry.

it's true.

matthew confides in robert about lavinia's will.

we get it matthew!

you don't want her money!!

LG basically says nothing bc it makes no sense to him.

it's like cars. and canadian trains.

and in NOT white people problems, but real, legitimate, horrible, awful problems..

mrs. hughes might have cancer.

cancer is not funny. especially if you have cancer.

meanwhile...

cousin isobel takes a stroll down to cousin isobel's house for wayward hookers.

she spies ethel who looks lovely here, despite her hooker sads.

war hookers are the saddest says ethel.

meanwhile..

sir anthony is like...ahh...my arm is still SO broken...we can't be together, plus look at all these books i have to read. also i'm old. stop looking at me.

and edith is like..

i am so lonely i don't care plus look at my face. why won't people look at me?

i'm putting my foot down.

you ARE my boyfriend!!!

bates and anna talk about mrs. bartlett pear...

mrs. bartlett pear was a pear who was friends with vera.

bates and anna are officially THE WORST!

also pears are delicious.

over in dr. clarkson's office...

time for some cancer 101, 1920 style.

this is not a time which you would have liked to have had cancer.

as opposed to that other time of NEVER.

how much do we love mrs. patmore?

SO MUCH!!!

alfred has COAT STAINS!

thomas wants to "help" alfred with his "stains".

help=kill

stains=stains

c'mon! it's downton SLUTS! stains are legit problems.

the dowager finds mary alone reading some fashion pages....

this is what happens next..

mary- any news money? money.

matthew- here read this letter.

mary- money.

matthew- i do love you so much.

mary- money and money.

TEA TIME BITCHES!!

the dowager thinks it's crazy that cora's brother harold doesn't inherit the fortune.

she asks about him..

alfred burns a hole in matthew's jacket.

and you know what that means....

holes are the rich man's stains.

AND THE END OF THE WORLD!!

you better not have cancer!

next is a dinner to plan another dinner...

they will invite the locals.

cora side eye= locals are dumb.

thomas's plan to make alfred look like rainman is working.

o'brien is on to him...

so BANGry.

LG tells sir anthony that he must stop making edith so happy.

and then we all realized that dan stevens was a giant pussy with a big pussy face.

"season 4 can't come soon enough."-

said everyone.

just kidding i love this show.

carson punches mrs. hughes in her cancer boob.

o'brien promises the ginger giant to make thomas sorry.

her bangs take home the gold in the curl olympics.

the ginger giant is deaf and no one knows!!

edith gets a letter that says "i promise it's nothing to do with your face". maybe.

cora tells mary that it would probably actually be more awesome for everyone if they moved to a smaller house.

mary's like well, i'm english and you're american and you don't understand the importance of ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

like money.

inconclusive cancer results.

but let's not jump to conclusions people.

mrs. hughes could just look puffy and tired bc she's a maid.

martha calls LG a dick for taking away poor, lonely, ugly edith's boyfriend.

lord grantham is THE WORST!

he is a car wrapped in a canadian railroad....with cancer!

but he gives in.

meanwhile..

molesley the most earnest and eager butler/valet in all of england is running to tell matthew that he does NOT have his dinner jacket from the tailors!!!

also it's safe to assume this is what molesley looks like when he gives himself a handy.

mary takes granny to look at the excessive spread of a dinner table...

nothing succeeds like excess.

and

OH FUCK!

THOMAS LOST SOME SHIRTS!!!

OH FUCK!!

THE OVEN IS BROKEN!!!

no worries says martha..

american's don't care.

we love a picnic indoors ya'll!!

martha tells everyone to grab some cheese, ham, butterham, dorritos, beers, grapes wrapped in ham, cheese wrapped in grapes, bread stuffed with hamcheese, crushed up fritos in chilli and donuts crushed up in syrup. and potatuh mayernnaise.

cora says this..