downton abbey- so many letters.

guys....recaps. where do i begin. they are hard. 

forget the writing and making things "funny". 

because no one hates a recap that's just a rehashing of the episode in someone else's words more than me. it's the technical difficulties that are giving me a pain in my b hole. 

please excuse the last half of the recap as reading like a cliff notes version of the episode. 

it's not only a bullshit excuse for a recap but it's giving away my stupid old process.  emphasis on old. 

the new and improved jandrews/mfamb recaps will be written entirely in text edit and copy pasted into this blog. 

so unless you want to see me kill the neighbor's chickens in a ritualistic offering to the god of patience DO NOT give me any advice on how to use common sense when writing a long ass blog post.  such as backing up your shit and not relying on squarespace to do anything right.

chickens will die!

ok...

on to the recap.. 

it's being said that this season is good because it's a copy/paste of the first season.

i might have to agree. 

let's compare:

season 1- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died on the titanic.

season 4- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died in a car accident.

season 1- mary is in mourning/a bitch

season 4- mary is in mourning x's a million/a bitch

season 1- lady sybil is rebellious and meets at dangerous places for political rallies. 

season 4- lady rose is rebellious and meets at dangerous dance halls for dancing with scrappy commoners.

season 1- thomas and o'brien plotted against pretty much everyone and everything.

season 4- thomas and edna are plotting against all the things. 

season 1 was so great because mary and matthew hadn't fallen in love just yet and there were suitors and a turkish dude who died of mary's poison vagina. 

yes, there are differences to be sure...a psycho nanny.

mrs. hughes has a new hairstyle. 

and if everything goes my way mr. carson will do it with mrs. hughes in the larder on top of mrs. patmore's clean apron. 

edith is  dare i say...fashionable?

if there was just something she could do about her face. 

without further adieu let's recap...

 in the deepest, darkest of hours some letters are propped up on a mantle somewhere. 

o'brien has left the building.

the outcome for this particular character exit couldn't have been more realistic.

it seems o'brien went to become ladies maid to mrs. flintshire up at duneagle castle. 

in my dreams they are both sporting  similar bangs and experimenting with each other sexually. 

 rose claims that maybe she heard o'brien talk about seeing the world.

lord grantham doesn't see how rose couldn't conclude that this meant o'brien would soon leave lady grantham for susan flintshire. 

rose has no room in her teenager brain for thoughts of others. 

what with all the dancing there is to be done. 

it's been 6 months since matthew's death and mary has turned into a convincing winona ryder circa beetlejuice. 

even her hair is sad. 

like a sad helmet. 

nanny west is here and looking like a weird, bald drag queen without his "face" on. 

later,  thomas runs into nanny west who tells him not to touch the children. 

because RAPE!

 meanwhile lord grantham and tom have become friends who don't agree on much. 

tom thinks mary should have a say in the running of downton and lord grantham thinks mary is a woman with a woman's brain who should cry some more and try to feed herself with her weak bird arms. 

for the rest of the episode moseley is just a poor bastard with a debt that needs to be paid and no way of paying it. 

"when your only child dies, then you aren't a mother anymore".

me = dead. 

aw...cousin isobel just needs a charity!

mrs. hughes gives it to her by way of a letter she spies in carson's trash. 

a stern and peaked mary emerges to tell edith to go fuck herself with that valentine she's reading. 

speaking of valentines...

the girls downstairs are high on their own valentines's card fumes. 

lookout mrs. patmore you're about to be replaced by an egg beater. 

tom tries to peak mary's interest in the estate..

lord grantham is like.."NO! SHE'S JUST A POOR BIRD WITH STICKS FOR ARMS AND SAD EYES!!!"

 tom takes it to lady mary's real father. 

(you know you've thought it more than once. HOPED for it even.)

 meanwhile thomas takes a lie/not lie to lady cora regarding nanny and her shenannygans. 

 mary lays into carson for caring too much. 

 granny comes in to tell mary that she needs to choose life.  and that she loves her. and to cheer up

because her tears are like swimming pools and orphans LOVE swimming pools. 

just kidding about that last part. 

 lady cora and rose are interviewing edna for the lady's maid position. 

having no real memory of her working at downton.  ever.  even thought she was the one who totally tried to jump on branson's ding dong RIGHT after sybil died. 

really lady cora? 

 THIS guy. 

more of this guy please. 

how have we not seen the dowager's butler before?

he's amazing. 

 mr. grigg shows up at cousin isobel's to get better before shipping off to ireland to manage an opera house. 

 edith is working every inch of those peacock feather applique's. 

 they are infusing her with much needed confidence. 

 AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

 mary apologizes to carson for being such a dick and like a true dad he embraces her tells her he loves her anyway. 

and that he thinks she's strong enough for the job as ruler of the universe. 

 it's springtime in downton because FLOWERS!

spring signifies newness and growth. 

and ladies throwing on their best purple frock and walking into a room full of jerk-ass jerks and saying move over i'm about to out pants-poop you in this here pants pooping contest called LIFE!

also...who loves tom this season?

raise your hand. 

my hand is so fucking raised it's through the ceiling and grabbing the clouds!!!!!!!

in the second half of the show a box arrives for lady mary which is probably filled with letters. 

lord grantham opens it because he's in charge of EVERYTHING. 

inside is the little stuffed dog mary gave matthew (sniff sniff)

and a LETTER!!!!!!

lord grantham takes the letter to lady violet and we discover that matthew intended for mary to be the heiress if anything should ever happen to him. 

GOD! stop being so vulgar and self important mr. molesley!!

downstairs lord grantham reads the saddest letter ever and then shits all over matthew's intentions as nothing but that. intentions. nothing legal OR binding. 

we GET it lord grantham. 

ladies are the worst!

at dinner lord grantham continues his masked discomfort with the idea of mary as partner in decision making by giving her a smackdown on her lack of LIVESTOCK FEED KNOWLEDGE! 

meanwhile bates decided to get a card signed by the whole village because BORED!!

cousin isobel gets mr. grigg a job at a belfast opera house. 

rose asks anna if she'll chaperone her to a dance.

braithwaite tells/doesn't tell cora that she ruined an ass ugly scarf.

bates asks lady violet for money. 

 because 

thomas comes up with some non story about anna sabotaging lady cora's ugly ass scarf. 

then later anna spills some perfume in lady mary's room and segue's that into taking rose to york. 

it's weird and feels forced. 

and i'm 75% sure that anna is a dildo with googly eyes. 

i need water. 

bates takes "the card for gwen" to mr. molesley to sign. 

we know he's up to something, but what?

surely none of you figured this sideways shit out. 

granny asks tom and mary over and gives them some ideas regarding the estate. 

edith's boyfriend is convinced he can divorce his wife sooner if he moves to germany.

this sounds like an AWESOME plan.

 SO many good things happen in germany during the 1920's. 

tom and mary go on a drive around the estate and mary learns farm things. 

rose and anna go dancing in york and a fight breaks out.

we finally get to the bottom of the card/letter for gwen that bates wanted everyone to sign. 

it was so bates could forge molesley's signature and produce a fake IOU seemingly from molesley to bates in the sum of 30 pounds. 

later anna asks bates how he managed it..

bates replies "prison was an education".

macgyver, please!  i'd have put the damn money in his pocket when he wasn't looking. 

meanwhile mrs. hughes is still trying to convince carson to go and visit mr. grigg. 

kiss her already carson!!

sam somebody pays rose a visit and she comes out looking like a maid.

lord grantham calls a family meeting before dinner to announce that matthew's letter was testamentical intesticle..

basically it means mary owns half the estate and matthew's testicles. 

and no, that's not edna giving thomas a beejer behind the chair. 

it's just a couple of mean girls being mean. 

mr. carson puts aside his anger and goes to see mr. grog. 

i realize there was a lot of ivy/daisy/jimmy/alfred that i left out but honestly?

ugh! i just can't.

this was a LOOOOONG show to recap with about fourhundredKAbillion characters already.

somehow this 4 way storyline seems endless and un-recappable. 

but suffice it to say..

i think alfred and jimmy are both sweet on ivy. 

i think alfred likes to THINK that jimmy doesn't really like ivy but i think in fact he does. 

and i think alfred will end up liking daisy before it's all over. 

i will also say that i will always be, team daisy. 

no matter what. 

the end. 

i gotta say i am recap rusty.

next week i will do it the smart person's way.

i also have an american horror story recap coming this weekend. 

season finale this wednesday. 

but i digress...

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF DOWNTON?

did you love it?

i did. 

i was so happy to be just be in their world again.

the blip bloo blee piano music when something frivolous is happening gets me every. time. 

sound off in the comments! 

i want to hear thoughts and predictions and what did i miss?

DOWNTON RECAP 3/3 in your face and with more stupid than EVER BEFORE!

 it's edith's big day you guys!!

and no one is more excited than edith...

(no, really..NO ONE is exited but edith. even the house is groaning.)

is all that for ME?!

it's all just too good to be truuuue!!!!

it's like a dream wrapped up inside of a BETTER DREAM!

even her mom is throwing shade. 

LIFE is throwing shade at edith, and HARD.

it's like a total eclipse of her heart at all times.

meanwhile..

still no word about cancer.

even if mrs. hughes doesn't have cancer (she doesn't SPOILER ALERT!)

that actress might have some cancer. seriously. she looks terrible. 

thomas uses molesley in his plan to take miss obrien down.

poor molesley.

molesley is the downstairs version of edith.

if this were a britcom mr. molesley would be the star.. 

only it'd be called

tiny mr. molesley!

the story of an all too eager footman in 1920's england who can't catch a break!

because he's the size of a peanut.

because britcoms are weird.

no, really...have you ever actually watched one?

so weird.

well.. 

looks like everyone has come to terms with selling downton..

 

lord grantham tells cora that it will probably be advertised as: a desirable nobleman's mansion with surrounding estate and properties.

what a terrible sounding listing.

 i have some better ideas.

how about..

-a mansion that's more like a castle with a unicorn stable for dogs and/or unicorns.

-mrs. crawley's house for wayward hookers.

(plenty of room for A LOT of hookers and secret hideouts for their johns and/or hobbits)

- a modern day mansion with an upstairs and a downstairs.  

it's also gay.  

this house is gay.

and by gay i mean AWESOME! 

uh oh...look who showed up to judge everyone.

p.s. he's always so drunk.

what do YOU care about it branson?

his suits are getting better.

lord G tells everyone about his other house, downton place up in some place i couldn't understand bc i don't speak england. 

 

molesley tells cora that obrien is leaving but he has someone in mind for her replacement.

a nice, bald woman named molesley.

meanwhile... 

on a walk, carson tries to sneak some information out of dr. clarkson about mrs. hughes.

if THIS were a britcom it would be called-

The Doctor and The Butler without Necks.

 the story of a doctor and a butler who do stuff in the village minus necks.

 matthew still hasn't gotten over himself enough to take the lavinia money and save his wife's house.

even after a letter comes telling him that it would be super okay to take it.

matthew is the worst.

matthew is like a pube that gets stuck in the elastic of your underwear. 

mary might die over all of it.

but she'll more than likely die bc she doesn't eat food.  

don't get too close, her clavicle will stab you.

carson pulls a fast one on mrs. patmore. 

he is stopping at nothing to find out if mrs. hughes has cancer.

including pulling fast ones.  

BACHELOR PARTY BITCHES!!!

the men of downton gather round a table and talk about having sex with the ladies.. 

then they high 5 their boners together in a 4 way boner high 5.

sir anthony stays back to talk to his new dad..

i'm happy your happy to be happy that edith is happy.

translation: don't marry edith

i see.

they high 5 again.  this time with hands.  

are you tired....from your cancer???????? 

he's really just not even trying anymore. 

 and over at the ungrateful hooker house..

cousin isobel teaches life skills like sewing.. and hopefully hair brushing.

then ethel shows up ..

and then leaves again.

matthew and mr. chalk'um (again, i don't speak england)  are discussing some important matters when mary reminds matthew of the picnic to their new house.

carson asks cora if it would be ok to lighten mrs. hughes' workload.

cora agrees. 

because cora is super easy going.

(see- losing your money and your house to some bad investing by your husband)

 yay cars!!

over at prison..

someone tells bates that he needs to check under his bed for something.

and i don't think it's bed bugs.

although i am sure those are probably there too.

anna is visiting vera's one and only friend mrs. bartlett (pear) who says a whole lot of spooky shit about some stuff.

 meanwhile...

 picnic whites.

and..

downton place..

 it's so ugly. and small!

 how will they ever live here?

 granny will open a shop called quality quidditch supplies.

 edith is fine with some chump village priest marrying them.

saying.."i'd just like to get married as soon as possible because look how worried my fiance looks. all. the. time."

matthew- if i take the money i will not feel good about myself.  you must understand.

mary- i don't.

 bates finds some weed in his bed.

i hope he smokes the shit out of it.

molesley tries to talk to o'brien about why she's leaving downton..

o'brien acts like she has no idea what he's talking about bc he's a peanut.

 this only adds to her anger.

daisy says something almost unintelligible.

i do my best to recreate it for you...

cora tells o'brien she must've said something to molesley for him to have said that..

o'brien says this..

cora tells mrs. H that she can die at downton..

but she means downton place.

(actually this whole exchange had me in tears) 

 edith is so happy because she's getting married and going to florence and venice and all the places!!

just like a girl would who was totally getting married and not about to be jilted. 

 the dowager zings...

(there goes this entire blog then) 

 

you didn't mean it. besides peanuts are notoriously not smart.

dear matthew-

please enjoy all of my money.  is it someone's birthday? great! then buy them something nice.

like your wife..is she going to lose her house?

then AWESOME! this money's for you then.

you should give some of it to her and then maybe take some of it to the poor along with some food if you have it.  

hey, remember when your legs couldn't walk?

me too!

that was terrible.  take this money.

love,

the swire's.

mary asks the servants if anyone mailed a letter from lavinia... 

because that would mean that lavinia gave matthew her blessing. 

 yep. that was daisy!

which if this were an 80's britcom it would be called-

DAISY!

the story of a simple kitchen maid in 1920's england who unsuspectingly does good by breaking the rules!

you're welcome spin-off writers.

  the dowager and robert are talking before edith's wedding...

carson is an animal!!

 yay!  you can keep the money!

if you don't i will beat you about your head.

hey. physical abuse is not cool.

no really, that is some fucked up shit for you to say.

i am giving you like 200,000 dollars to save this house and your sweet ass life.

so don't say you will hit me, ok?

bc that's lame as fuck mary.

 everyone is so happy for edith.

especially edith.

uh oh. strallan side eye. 

also he's got serial killer eyes.

seriously has anyone checked into that?

no really, do a background check someone.  please.

sir anthony changes his mind.

WHAT??!!

fucking hell! 

poor edith.

it's really all i can say.

other than...

if this were an 80's britcom it would be called

The Trouble with Edith :(

the story of an ugly duckling who ju

no...it would be off the air because it's too fucking sad.

the saddest fucking sad day of sadness!

i mean this is like sad times infinity.

this is like if sad swallowed sad and then threw up chunks of sadness.

 that veil is a symbol of sad.

that veil is so sad it called up her ex-boyfriend just to get some more abuse and then got hit so hard in the face with an elbow that was NOT an accident and then ate an entire box of chocolates and then drowned in her own chocolate vomit sadness.

cry it out edith.

it's good to cry.  to release the pain that you feel.

sometimes if you cry extra hard your tears turn to pretty colors.

and those colors are like your dreams and your dreams are all you have.

because you're edith.

blah blah cora mumbles something about edith being tested..

we know why this really happened..

 because she's edith.

 yay!  let's be co-masters.

let's get some tigers and take this shit to vegas!

downstairs anna and daisy prepare to take the wedding food to the poor..

 also there's an alien on the table... 

 dinner is really quiet and sad.

there is talk about taking all the delicious food to the poor..

the dowager is like..

umm...how about giving me the food instead?

right?

old people can eat like, freakishly large amounts of food.

(i love old people who eat tons of food)

edith decides she's cool with being a spinster.

mrs. hughes leaves to see the dr... 

her boyfriend checks his watch.

so sweet.

thomas asks o'brien how she's doing..

and she goes and gets all mrs. danvers on us.

p.s. if you don't know who mrs. danvers is then you need to stop watching glee and castle and other terrible shows that suck.  and go netflix that shit. 

i can't even type words about this whole scene because it's just too sweet and i am trying not to cry but there is a HUGE lump in my throat.

a benign lump of sweetness and sadness.

a sweet sad lump of joy.

 :(

:)

it's like that.

it's like this...

yes.  this is what my face looked like at that exact same moment in time.

like my heart would just burst.

your thoughts?

i made some daisy out takes for you bc her accent is HARD to get right.

believe me, i tried.

as is evidenced here:

 

DOWNTON RECAP 3/2 uncut like good cocaine.

we left off at the wedding..

wait a second..

we never actually saw the wedding.

all that bunting in the trees and i can't even hear the vows?

 wait.

is it because dan stevens and michelle dockery have no chemistry so to actually show them exchanging real love type vows would have seemed absurd?

ok then.

carry on.

so the top of this episode we see mary and matthew in a car..

HOW CUH-RAAAAZY!

pa pa will just die!!!!

granny will poop in her weird old fashioned underwear.

cars are essentially space ships. 

matthew even goes so far as to say that LG and granny will howl at the moon in unison.

bc they're wolves. and wolves hate cars.

 they pull up to downton to be met by LG who asks matthew how the honeymoon was..

his response was "my eyes have been opened".

to which LG replies..."don't i know it".

a couple of ideas on what they might be referring to...

1. mary's pussy is crazy good.

2. women are crazy.

i'm gonna go with 1 and 2.

and either way...gross.

downstairs thomas and o'brien are in a total fight...

i am not sure how i feel about this friendship gone sour.

but i'll never be more sure of those bangs.

never.

there's a dinner where everyone talks about the honeymoon and stuff.

all i can do during this scene is try not to gag while shirley maclaine eats.

sorry.

it's true.

matthew confides in robert about lavinia's will. 

we get it matthew!

you don't want her money!!

LG basically says nothing bc it makes no sense to him.

it's like cars.  and canadian trains. 

and in NOT white people problems, but real, legitimate, horrible, awful problems..

mrs. hughes might have cancer.

cancer is not funny.  especially if you have cancer.

meanwhile...

cousin isobel takes a stroll down to cousin isobel's house for wayward hookers.

she spies ethel who looks lovely here, despite her hooker sads.

war hookers are the saddest says ethel.

meanwhile..

sir anthony is like...ahh...my arm is still SO broken...we can't be together, plus look at all these books i have to read.  also i'm old.  stop looking at me.

and edith is like..

i am so lonely i don't care plus look at my face.  why won't people look at me?

i'm putting my foot down. 

you ARE my boyfriend!!!

bates and anna talk about mrs. bartlett pear...

mrs. bartlett pear was a pear who was friends with vera.  

bates and anna are officially THE WORST!

also pears are delicious. 

over in dr. clarkson's office...

time for some cancer 101, 1920 style.

this is not a time which you would have liked to have had cancer.

as opposed to that other time of NEVER. 

how much do we love mrs. patmore?

SO MUCH!!! 

alfred has COAT STAINS!

thomas wants to "help" alfred with his "stains".

help=kill

stains=stains

c'mon! it's downton SLUTS!  stains are legit problems.

the dowager finds mary alone reading some fashion pages....

this is what happens next..

mary- any news money? money.

matthew- here read this letter.

mary- money.

matthew- i do love you so much.

mary- money and money. 

 TEA TIME BITCHES!!

the dowager thinks it's crazy that cora's brother harold doesn't inherit the fortune.

she asks about him..

 

alfred burns a hole in matthew's jacket.

and you know what that means....

 holes are the rich man's stains.

AND THE END OF THE WORLD!!

you better not have cancer!

next is a dinner to plan another dinner...

they will invite the locals.

cora side eye= locals are dumb. 

thomas's plan to make alfred look like rainman is working.

o'brien is on to him...

 

so BANGry.

LG tells sir anthony that he must stop making edith so happy.

and then we all realized that dan stevens was a giant pussy with a big pussy face.

"season 4 can't come soon enough."-

said everyone.

just kidding i love this show. 

 

carson punches mrs. hughes in her cancer boob.

o'brien promises the ginger giant to make thomas sorry.

her bangs take home the gold in the curl olympics.

the ginger giant is deaf and no one knows!!

edith gets a letter that says "i promise it's nothing to do with your face". maybe.

 

cora tells mary that it would probably actually be more awesome for everyone if they moved to a smaller house.

mary's like well, i'm english and you're american and you don't understand the importance of ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

like money.

inconclusive cancer results.

but let's not jump to conclusions people.

mrs. hughes could just look puffy and tired bc she's a maid.

 

 martha calls LG a dick for taking away poor, lonely, ugly edith's boyfriend.

lord grantham is THE WORST!

he is a car wrapped in a canadian railroad....with cancer!

but he gives in.

meanwhile.. 

molesley the most earnest and eager butler/valet in all of england is running to tell matthew that he does NOT have his dinner jacket from the tailors!!!

also it's safe to assume this is what molesley looks like when he gives himself a handy.

mary takes granny to look at the excessive spread of a dinner table...

nothing succeeds like excess.

and  

 

OH FUCK! 

THOMAS LOST SOME SHIRTS!!!

OH FUCK!!

THE OVEN IS BROKEN!!!

no worries says martha..

american's don't care.

we love a picnic indoors ya'll!!

martha tells everyone to grab some cheese, ham, butterham, dorritos, beers, grapes wrapped in ham, cheese wrapped in grapes, bread stuffed with hamcheese, crushed up fritos in chilli and donuts crushed up in syrup. and potatuh mayernnaise.

cora says this..

(seriously you know you re-wound that part in the show like, 4 times)

mary tells granny they can't give up.

granny agrees but is visibly distressed..

martha sings let me call you sweetheart to the dowager..

because she's lonely ya'll.

these are some lonely old ladies.

just kidding.

because julian fellows couldn't not have shirley maclaine sing a song because she sings a song in everything she's in.

:(

why can't matthew have cancer?

(i wish cancer on no one. except cancer.)

these 2 are getting married.

truth time...i think this couple is SUPER sweet. 

in fact here are my dream downton couples:

mrs. hughes and mr. carson- i mean, c'mon right?  it's too easy.

daisy and the oven- i mean, c'mon right?  it's too easy. 

cousin isobel and a cat.

lord grantham and a canadian train (secretly).

o'brien's bangs and thomas's cigarettes.

dr. clarkson and thomas- i mean, c'mon right? 

martha tells everyone she can't ACTUALLY help she can only do NOTHING to save downton. 

bates and his cell mate have relations.

martha and robert have some whiskey.

robert pretends to not know that mary and granny were conspiring to get martha to help save downton from his stupid ass.

carson tells mrs. hughes he loves her that if something were wrong she should tell him.

 of course she doesn't

but something tells me (the scenes from next week) that mrs. patmore spills the beans.

the end.

despite my sarcasm i really do love this show.

discuss.

downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.

 this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.

which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.

i am working on part 2 as we speak..

i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.

americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).

in any case..

here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).

 it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.

the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.

everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.

sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.

lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.

 downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle. 

essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.

also...treacle. 

treacle.

 

meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton.  "no one would even notice or care".

 the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,

he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..

back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.

there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.

there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.

o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.

later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.

finger waving?

braiding.

finger braiding?

i'll stick with fingering.

she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.

that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.

 lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.

cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.

he agrees.

must remember this technique.

over at the jail...

 

 anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...

anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?

now...what news have you got for ME?

bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?

anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by accident...now let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I..  and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.

meanwhile...

 

alfred, the giant footman shows up.

he's a ginger too. 

double fucked.

carson is not impressed.

across town.. 

lord G visits the monopoly guy.

 

 monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.

apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.  

ever.

which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.

meanwhile...

everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.

speaking of lame couples... 

edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.

while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.

and as we all now know...

that ain't happening bc there is no money.

family dinner #4,000..

everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.

no one is more excited than the dowager.

and the ginger giant is helping with dinner.. 

the dowager is visibly sickened..

talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..

the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..

matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...

it's gross.

sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...

background tension.

and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..

matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.

matthew being one of them.

the first guy died of the spanish flu.

 the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.

i think we all know where this is going...

wait...where is this going?

family dinner #4,001..

everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.

when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?

meanwhile...

 

daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.

OH! and the gray's are coming.

wait...who are the gray's???

 upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..

cora's cool about it because she's an american.

have gun will murder travel.

tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.

matthew tells tom he's got his back..

matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.

meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..

or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.

a little later..

 

 anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????

downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..

o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..

why would i do that?  i'm an asshole, remember?

and just like that the dream team is destroyed.

upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.

the young gray...larry?...is picking on tom..

and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.

or something.

also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.

LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..

she's like..

meanwhile...

sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.

at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.

grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!

after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue. 

he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).

 what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..

matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...

all the girls swoon accordingly...

that'll show eyebrow guy.

 LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.

seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?

i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?

 and...

bates and his cell mate have words.

the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.

they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.

he's like..no thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.

they're like..no..you wear morning coat.

here comes trouble.

aka martha levinson.

cora's mother.

shirley maclaine.

me in 20 years...

there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...

once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...

martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.

why should he inherit all her money?

matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?

he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..

he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune. 

but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.

mary's like..umm...no you DO want it. 

and she slaps the paper out of his hand...

bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken. 

the dowager runs into martha in the hall...

dowager:  americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.

martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.

the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.

the best we get from the dowager is this:

meanwhile..

family dinner 4,002..

it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.

martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.

the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...

 i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..

mary is upset and leaves.

(who wouldn't?  old people eating soup is gross.  ok everyone eating soup is gross.)

tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...

tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.

upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...

worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.

but whatever..

 matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.

she's not having it..at first...

but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.

he wants to kiss her...

but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....

and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.

but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).

seriously those things have a mind of their own.

"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"

WEDDING DAY!!

more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.

cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.

downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...

she appears and says..

will i do....carson?

it's the sweetest thing ever.

carson tries to choke back tears...

and i nearly gag on my own tears.

blah blah they get married...

 the end.

my thoughts..

shirley maclaine killed it.

she was a breath of fresh air.

 i expected nothing less.

so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..

they have to sell

they have to get the money from big martha 

matthew inherits lavinia's fortune

or...they have to open a pretzel shop.

time will tell. 

but i do love a good pretzel.

edith is coming on strong to sir antony,

who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.

 i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.

i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.

what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?

and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene.. 

i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.  

 spill it!!

was it as good as you'd hoped?

nothing really ever is, is it?

***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..

we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap. 

i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.

 

christmas letdown(ton)

 i was expecting more from christmastime at downton.

those snowy images i kept seeing all over the internet were misleading mr. julian fellowes.

christmas lasted 5 minutes then jumped to new years then to a murder trial then to a dog search party then to some hunting then to a snow twirling proposal then to credits.

wait..this whole episode was kind of a letdown.

i am confused by my emotions right now.

i mean i was crying right along with anna when she was going to leave downton.

i was happy to not have to endure more sybil/branson dumbness.

i was moved in a way that only the waltons circa 1980 could move me when daisy realized she loved william and william was the only one who ever really loved her.

and then again moved to tears when william's dad asked to be her dad too.

but the matthew and mary part..

THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT OF THIS SHOW..

was like...huh??

i mean, who doesn't love a snowy twirl?

but..it was a bit anticlimactic if you ask me mr. julian fellowes.

the kiss should have at least made me moist in my unders.

but it didn't.

and i could have done without the rosamund/boyfriend/maid bit.

who cares about that?

no one. that's who.

and i actually felt sorry for carlisle.

he loved mary.  he just didn't know how to be cool about it.

he was too possesive and couldn't handle an aloof woman like mary.

plus he looks like this in real life.

so..

i will commence the recap but you should know mr. julian fellowes that next season i won't stand for any more bullshit.

no shark jumping canadian burn victims.

no ouija boards signifying nothing.

no one calling mrs. patmore fat.  

unless you called her mrs. fatmore.  that would have been hilarious.

i'm kidding, i'm kidding!

seriously that writer needs to be put down like a lame horse.

and..

no more dogs locked in sheds.

etc..

don't get me wrong...

i still LOVED it.

let's go!!

it's christmastime!!

look at the pretty tree with LIGHTS!

it's almost 1920!

 the fashions have changed and you can collectively hear all the women shouting.."FUCK YOU SLEEVES!!"

in wintertime no less.  

that's so ballsy!

and stupid.

i live in the south where our winters top out at 50 degrees and i am wearing 8 sweaters under my bathrobe all day long.  

so while these bitches feign warmth, the servants stand in a line waiting for their gifts.

who planned this condescending shit out?

called forth like they were receiving an award for best cot making abilities.

and 

nothing says season finale better than introducing a new storyline and character.. 

aunt rosamund is at downton for the holidays (but not sybil. weird) and she's brought her sassy mouth new maid..

ms. shaw.

who starts right in with the bates put-downs.

(them's fightin' words!)

and putting ideas into daisy's pea brain about a promotion.

upstairs the gift giving is a bit more civil..albeit still weird..

everyone stands around and opens presents. 

stands?

and no where near the tree?

what is wrong with 1919 england?

the DC receives a nutcracker from cousin isobel and matthew. 

haha..i get it.

an edwardian gag gift, right?

no???!

then she should have beaten cousin isobel in the eyeball with it.

 this whole episode tried to slam down our throats that matthew and mary are sooo right for each other.. 

while carlisle and mary are soooo not right for each other.

i mean carlisle was lurking in a corner seething with jealousy in virtually every shot.

next up was christmas dinner.

in comes carson with absent sybil's favorite flambe... 

downstairs christmas fun means talking to the dead via a ouija board..

 

while upstairs charades are all the rage..

"charades is gay". 

and somewhere not so very christmasy is mr. bates.

sitting in jail wrongfully (or is he??) accused of murdering his wife and awaiting his fate..

i made up a special t-shirt for the occasion...

 

later on lord grantham confides in carson that he is uncomfortable with the idea of thomas as his new valet..

 next day has harry dunn aka anthony strallan visiting the countess only surprise...

edith is there too.

that crazy countess just wants everyone to be happy.

 over in the gloomy gray jail...

anna tells bates not to count his busted up chickens before they hatch.

aka you haven't been convicted yet!

let's wait and see how your awesome friends and BFF lord grantham come to your defense in the courtroom by NOT telling the judges about all that mrs. bates murder talk that went down a while back.

later lord hepworth or whoever the fuck he is..the "fortune hunter" intended for rosamund,  shows up for new year's eve and secret maid nooners.

 sybil's pregnant!

 4, 3, 2, 1....

happy new year!!!!!

upstairs it's champagne and more standing.

dowstairs it's more oiuja and wine.

these edwardians are NUTS!!!!

oops...the golden agers?  the roaring 20's-ers?

new years day is all about the hunt.

and while sir dick wants nothing more than to strap mary to his gun..

it's matthew who gets her for the first drive. 

pretty. 

there is a dick carlisle/dick cheney parallel here for sure.

edith pays a visit to sir anthony. 

oh edith.

LOOK at that poor bastard.  

perfect for edith in every way. 

daisy feels she needs to tell william's father that she didn't love william in that way and he's like...

you did though. what you did for him was love. even if you don't see it.

and he loved you.

and she's like..

oh yeaaah!!!

you're right.

and then i cried.

 getting on mary's nerves.

a lovely hunt lunch in a barn.

stable?

the DC tries to get to the bottom of this "fortune hunter's" intentions.

"i'm warning you...if you don't marry me soon i will stick it in your butt on our wedding night".

 "mary...i won't penetrate your butt.  ever!"

sorry.

it had to be said.

 later..

cora tells LG all about mary's powerful turk killing pussy.

and then it's time for bates's trial. 

and this is where shit just gets ri DIC u LOUS!

it's like everyone was given a dram (old time word) of truth serum or something!

first obrien spills the beans..

 "h e..h a a d..a...s c r a t c h....o n...h i s...(murderer)...eeeyyyye..."

then mrs. hughes...

no better...

"h e....c a l l e d....h e r r r....a a a a....b i t c h h h...flaargg..blaah blleeep" 

then finally...

lord grantham for the save!!

but then BAM!!!!

" h e....s a i d d d...i....w i s h....t h a t t t....b i t c h...w a s s s..d e a a a d d d...bleeepity blap blorp" 

GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU'RE GOING TO HANG AND YOUR HEAD WILL POP OFF AND YOUR EYEBALLS WILL POP OUT AND YOU WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND YOU WILL DIIIEEEEE!!

then once they get their heads out of their asses they gather in a pub to talk about getting the convicition changed to life in prison instead of death.

which is sooooo much better.

and then more truth.. 

lord grantham tells mary he knows all about mr. pamuk and he doesn't care.

there's already scandal.

let them be the kardashians of 1920. 

"go bring home a cowboy from the middle west!"

score!

mary gets a trip to new york and a sexy cowboy lover.

 elsewhere..

thomas locks isis in a shed.

anna visits bates in jail for what appears to be the last time.

even the cockblocking guard thinks this whole thing is the sadz. 

mrs. patmore's had enough with the ouija and daisy's reluctance to go visit poor william's dad at the farm..

she pretends the board is william telling daisy to go to the farm.

and since daisy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, she believes it.

the hunt for isis is on..

anna tells carson and mrs. hughes that she is leaving downton..

and mary tells matthew about pamuk..

while somewhat hurt and resentful..

mary's cooter is just. too. powerfullllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!

 thomas is sweating the fact that he might have killed isis.

and over at the farm..

william's dad tells daisy all about how all of his kids had died and he is all alone and could daisy be his daughter

and i was crying the ugliest cry you've ever seen.

somehow thomas manages to convince lord grantham that he is to be trusted.. 

when clearly is the worst human being and should never be trusted.

i'm telling you those pajama collars are choking the sense out of lord grantham.

anna asks mary if she can go to new york with her.

spin off, spin off!!! 

lord G tells carson that maybe thomas can see him naked afterall..

 even carson's like..

whaaat?

and then in the SADDEST scene of all all ALL times..

 anna tells mrs. hughes goodbye and mrs. hughes tells anna that she is essentially the house maid equivalent of a rock star..

it's so heartfelt and sad and i cry a little just looking at these pictures.

you are too!!!! i see you!

in the library mary tells dick so long.. 

matthew comes in and it doesn't take long before dick plays the lavinia card (matthew and mary's kryptonite for being together) and then punches are thrown.

no one wins bc LG comes in with WORDS to break it up.

stop this at once?

really?

with all of dick's vitriol i thought for sure he would try to break matthew's weiner.

this time for good.  

anyway...see ya later dick!

good riddance you dirty plot line obstacle/conflict.

then later there is some good news..

 bates got a repreive.

he will get to play the rest of his days out in a gloomy prison.

but at least he's alive!

(tell that to a prisoner. i'm sure you would get shanked)

anna visits bates to deliver this t-shirt i had made special... 

everyone's going to be wearing it next season.

withOUT sleeves thankyouverymuch.

time for the servant's ball!!!

where unlikey duos dance the night away and drink from the same bottle.

what a great opportunity to get your fuck on with a maid..

anna, who has been doing some lurking of her own this episode, spies lord herp derp and rosamund's self righteous maid doin it in probably william's deathbed.  

rosamund don't really give a shit.

she's just pissed her mom was right.

i can say with experience on both ends of that spectrum that that is indeed accurate.

and for what i can only guess is segue purposes.. 

anna and daisy are in the basement playing with that confounded ouija again.

this time it says it hopes they are happy.

who? daisy and anna?

bates and anna?

matthew and mary?

daisy and her new dad?

isis and LG?

cora and LG?

lord herp derp and the maid?

WHOOO???

perhaps.

all of them.

sniff sniff

and then finally...

in a magical freezing world...

where sleeves aren't needed..

and no one can see your breath bc you are too pure and lovely to have breath..

it finally happened..

matthew proposed!  

and sealed it with..

 the stiffest, most un-passionate, most stagey gross i am kissing my brother kiss that was ever seen in all of the land.

THE END.

let's talk.

how did you feel about it?

what do you want to see next season?

what do you NOT want to see next season?

and for your viewing pleasure..

i give you..

the DC's bestest lines.

with special appearances by cousin isobel, dick carlisle and matthew..

downton abbey: the english patient. just kidding he's canadian!

canadian bacon.

oooooo BURN!

i mean, ouch that hurt.

not as bad as your burnt skin, pee gordon.

would you like some fava beans and chianti with that face?

thank you i'm here all week.

the war is over!!

 this episode gave us a maybe matthew boner but a for sure freedom boner.

it's business as usual for matthew and his personal nurse mary.. 

if you're not careful mary you'll get arms like jack johnson. 

while matthew is out for his daily roll across the grass.. 

sir richard is talkin about his giant dick house, haxby park.

he's like..i got some money too, granthams!  i will out house you.

he totally does btw.

daisy's still upset over william's death her false heart.

so then she must feel like a giant asshole for wearing a black band that a war widdow wears, huh?

i'll wait while you go get a tissue.

over in the dowager countess's favorite discussion room..

 cousin isobel is just being her old insufferable self.  

she wants to keep downton up as england's most awesome retched refugee refuge.. 

 cora and the dowager are like..whaaa??

 

uhhh...no thanks.

if there's one thing these 2 have in common it's a whole lot of love for easy livin'.

uh oh..

that hand looks scary!

and the music is so mysterious!

 

who's hand is that you ask?

well, it's not hannibal lecter's maybe.

it's certainly not ralph fiennes probably.

well then who is it?

 no fucking idea.

but he thinks he's patrick crawley, the rightful heir of downton.

 but since his face is made of cheese, and the real patrick crawley is english and this guy is canadian, well, 

no one can be sure.

edith at first can barely look at his cheese face.

and she's seen a lot of war cheese.

sir richard aims to pilfer mary's favorite servant, carson..

i'm not really sure why.

but there it is...

(those eyebrows are ridiculous!) 

 lord grantham and jane the maid are gonna make out probably..

 sexy glance.

thomas is made entirely out of cigarettes and old edwardian pomade. 

 smoky smirk #1..

haxby park and it's 4 million acres of LAND.

 if mary seems excited it's because she can hide and not be found for days in this house.

meanwhile lord grantham is eating alone.

he appears to be eating dessert.

which in my opinion is the only way to eat dessert.

no one needs to see me eat an entire box of girl scout cookies.

anyway..this must be symbolic, right?

LG alone, being served drippy, red, saucy goo over white clouds of meringue?

that's supposed to forshadow sex right?

later pee gordon tells edith he is not patrick gordon but patrick crawley. 

the same patrick crawley that floated away on an iceberg after the titanic hit it.

landing in canada, obvs.

yeah right.

who does this guy think he's fooling?

oh.  right.

edith.

bless her heart.

she'll do anything for a piece.

 

 there is no driver in all of england more dedicated to someone else's car than branson.

another garage scene where branson wonders when sybil will be his girl.

god. never i hope! 

branson sucks!

outside in the shaddows..

thomas and o'brien are up to no good and a lot of cancer.

seriously..i have no idea what they are talking about 99% of the time.

edith comes in to tell papa about her new boyfriend..

and papa goes to investigate..

LG admits his story is pretty accurate..

but then pee calls him "robert".

whhaaaat?!

and then, as if things couldn't get any weirder.

pee totally gives himself a dirty sanchez.

over in the discussion room..

the dowager builds something out of scaffolds.

or she tells a tower of lies to cousin isobel in the hopes she will get the fuck out of downton forever.

 edith takes a walk with pee in her best sweater robe..

pee brings out the heavy ammo with crazily accurate tales of frauline kelda and running around in this here garden.

coughcough*bullshit*

after that dreadful dirty sanchez lord grantham decides a family meeting is in order to tell everyone

that cousin patrick might be alive and back to claim the throne..

 mary cannot believe that edith is falling for this imposter's bag of tricks..

while matthew is just one streak of guyliner away from full on goth-strength bitterness over his bum legs and weiner and pee gordon's ability to walk around and put babies in mary.

meanwhile in the saddest room in the world..

don't be slutty.

and over in the happiest room in the world..

see you later cousin isobel.

that is what a high five with your eyes looks like.

speaking of eyes..

bates has a hurty on his eye.

lurky mcbangs. 

at dinner sir richard shows up (late) with lavinia in the hopes of distracting matthew and mary from one another (IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!).. 

the fuck is she doing here?

and in the most uncomfortable scene of the evening..

sir richard threatens his bride-to-be to never cross him or undermine him or look at him sideways.

sealing it ever so romantically with a kiss..

supergross times a million billion trillion kajillion.

edith receives a letter from pee gordon...

"dear edith, just kidding. see you never.  love, pee."

the house gathers for end of the war silence..

bates wheels matthew off when...

wait a sec...

was that...?

i think my dick just moved!! 

or maybe it was his leg. 

but i am sticking with dick.

carson decides he needs to go with mary. 

sadness.

and mrs. bates is dead.

talk it out.

did you believe pee gordon?

i have to say the first time i watched it i did believe him.

however the second time i watched i saw right through his story.

before you view this week's videos you need to know that i was rocking a 100.5 degree fever in them and had no time for make up or even locating my dowager hat of power.

anyway..

these were my two favorite dowager parts..

the first one is between cora and the dowager.

it is very multiple personality disorder if you didn't know any better.

and..

pee (gordon) streams,