yesterday we dropped her off at college.
i’m sitting here on the sofa because if i get up i find i just wander around the house moaning. i keep telling myself this is going to get easier. and i do in fact believe that but my god i feel awful.
for the last month or so fiona has exclusively been living with me. we had been bonding better than ever. finally at that place where our conversations were not one sided. but instead delicious banter. yes, most of it was stray kids centered but i fucking love stray kids! it was the perfect bonding experience.
most days i would work in the kitchen all day painting and she would work in her room on whatever it was she worked on (she’d rarely tell me.). every hour or so i’d go in and say hi, bring her some food, ask her a question…whatever. and then she’d inevitably pop out for the day around 4, where we’d meet in the kitchen to laugh and talk about stuff. sometimes it was deep but mostly it was stray kids related. knowing she isn’t gonna walk out around 4 every day is heart breaking.
i realize she’ll be home soon enough. but i know it will never be the same. i also know in many ways better things are ahead. better conversations, better time spent together. but my little girl is really and truly growing up and it hit me harder than it ever has in the last 24 hours. why do we all know this is coming and yet not one word, not one book, not one podcast not one anything can prepare you for the ache in your heart.
dropping her off was easier than i thought it would be but that is mostly bc she wanted us out almost as soon as we got there. i am sure she was avoiding the theatrics of a vulnerable and emotional goodbye. the drive back was fine, but the truth is i knew the hardest part would be the moment i walked through the door of my house. and i was correct. i cried a lot. i am crying as i write this. i haven’t really stopped crying. i don’t know when i’ll stop crying. i miss her. i miss every aspect of her life with me. i mourn her every single stage of life. wishing i could go back in time. wishing i could do some things so so so differently. these are the things you don’t think about. the regret, the fear, the anxiety and the overwhelming feeling of loss. these are the things that hurt the most.
but that’s all about me isn’t it? it speaks to nothing of what she’s going through. i can assure you she isn’t even close to as sad as i am. and i THANK GOD for that. would it have been so much easier for me if she had chosen SCAD in atlanta? OBVIOUSLY. but she wanted to get away. and i know that’s a blessing. obviously i selfishly want her here all the time as my sidekick. but that’s not good for her. she needs to get out there and grow and learn and start her own damn life. and how lucky am i that she knows all of this too and is excited for this next chapter. the next several weeks and months are gonna be hard on both of us in different ways. i’m watching the mel robbins podcast on the very subject of college drop off and it’s great. i’d recommend it to all parents everywhere no matter the stage of parenthood you are in as it touches on the many aspects of your kid navigating change and how to parent them in that situation. but…but.
the earth shattering sadness. there’s just no other way to state it. her bowl from her cereal the night before she left is still in the sink. the absolute pain it represents and the fact that i can’t bring myself to put it in the dishwasher. that’s real. i woke up this morning and immediately took her bedding off her bed and washed it because looking at her bed as if she just got out of it was too too much. is this too much? probably but tell me how to not feel this. someone. anyone. because i will do it immediately.
and i can’t lay any of this on her. so i am laying it all on you. also she would roll her eyes right out of her head if she read any of this.
*i have stopped and come back to this post for several hours. it’s no longer the morning. i’ve tried to do things. managed a workout for an hour that helped me to focus on something else but i am so alone in this house. and i am way too fucking fragile to leave it. i want to kidnap her and bring her back. forget everything i said up there. i’m going to kidnap her and bring her back.
it’s currently 4:00.