do you ever wake up and immediately want a do over?
ok maybe not immediately. shit has to fuck up first.
or you have to cry a thousand times or something like that.
now i realize there are always going to be people with way worse stories than me.
with legit fucking disasters like raping and floods.
i can assure you nothing that bad happened today.
in truth nothing bad did happen.
just things.
that suck.
like...
this guy:
yes-
that's a black widow spider. only it's the man version.
and it was in my house. about a foot away from fiona.
male's aren't as poisonous as females. but they are. poisonous.
farts.
i killed that motherfucker and put him in a bag and then searched the internet for several hours where i found 1 too many stories about people and their near death spider related disasters.
double farts.
where there is a male there is a female, right?
shitfartbuttsack.
needless to say i cannot walk into a room without doing spider checks.
i feel like this will go on for days developing into an OCD.
i hate spiders.
more than bieber.
next was a haircut...(speaking of bieber)
my sentiments exactly fiona.
i asked the woman to cut her bangs thick...like super thick bc she has a cowlick and if they are thin they will separate. so please take some hair from her crown and create more bangs.
it fell on deaf ears.
i could have done this myself.
before you tell me how cute she is let me tell you that no less than 10 times today i heard these words..
"go away!!"
"give it to me NOW!!"
"stop talking!!"
"i hate you you big fat shithead!"
ok that last part was made up but that's what it feels like.
rest assured this had nothing to do with her haircut.
she talks like this to me every day.
all day.
(deep sigh)
***for all you first time moms out there who are wishing their little newborn blobs could talk and giggle and show some semblance of a personality??
be careful what you wish for.
ok so when i got home and was able to get into reading my fave blogs i find this:
has called it a day.
My darlings,
I'm done writing the blog. I've been a stay-at-home mom for the duration of Scented Glossy Magazines and now I'm ready to go back to work. Also, I'm just kind of tapped out on most of these shows, you know?
Many thanks to all of you for reading, making your smart-ass comments and emailing me with breaking news. We are kindred spirits, and I will miss you. Who will I tell when Frank brings me my In Style magazine from the mailbox, saying "that new housewife, the OC one, is on the cover"?
Good try, Frank. Good try.
Thanks to Frank for letting me not only exploit his butt on this blog but dominate the tv; thanks to Harvey Millstein, CID for giving me my valances for free because they are 15 months late; and thanks to my real life bff and back-up life partner Susie, who will now be forced to listen to me talk about all of these shows in person.
It's been so much fun. Love to you all. xxxxoooo
no one but SGM could recap a housewife epsiode with this kind of brilliance:
"I have to add this about Bethenny. When my first baby was 13 days old, I was living in pajamas, crying three times daily, and bleeding heavily from the cooter. A short trip to the grocery store exhausted me for hours. And here she is, her skinny ass in an evening gown, listening to Jill spout the bullshit and Kelly describe an alternate reality. Why? WHY WHY WHY? If it were me, I would have murdered someone in the first hour and as the police dragged me away, I would have screamed "IT WAS WORTH IT!" Anyhow, I thought she was visibly strained."
she had me at "cooter".
i love you emily.
i will miss you.
i can only hope my recaps offer half of the wit and genius that yours did.
i wish you all the best.
fiona starts kindergarten on monday.
i fully intend to spend these last 2 days of summer with her wholly and completely.
come monday she will be gone from 8 am to 4 pm.
5 days a week.
i haven't fully comprehended this.
but i am pretty sure i am gonna cry a little.
see you on monday for a recap of the great big kindergarten sendoff and the final turd reveal.
where emily wins.
and i lose-
my baby girl.
have a spider free weekend filled with maybe soft drugs.
