WOW.
this week was packed FULL of stuff, right?
characters changed right before our eyes!!
my brain will explode if i try to recap this in prior recap fashion, so i won't.
instead i will recap with pictures and thoughts.
like bill cosby and picture pages.
here we go!!
things are starting to get uncomfortable for the crawleys, aren't they?
rich folk sharing their home with strangers?
unheard of!!
fortunately for the wounded soldiers the crawleys are crazy nice.
mostly. (molesley?)
poor edith.
she doesn't know what to do with herself..
sybil tells her she has a gift she just needs to find it.
sybil rules.
cousin isobel is barking orders at everyone as if she owned downton.
bark, bark, bark
the countess along with spooky-eyes rosamund are trying in their corseted rage to rid the world of a certain lavinia swire.
bates is sneaking around in the village like chris hanson in a chat room.
anna sees him and runs to discover that bates can disappear like a scooby doo ghost.
meanwhile cora is as dumb as ever.
i mean seriously?
bless her heart.
"no, really...thomas would make a great house manager!"
anna is busy curling lady mary's hair with some new-fangled hot stick of metal.
she is confused bc she thinks she saw bates in the village.
mary's like ...my boyfriend is the boss of spying.
he will totally find out anything you need to know.
systematic bullying.
meanwhile all branson wants is to fight and go to jail?
huh?
obviously all i could focus on here was that moss growing on the roof.
it makes me very happy.
"prison is the place for me. and your butt."
and again...my focus is on that rushing to the right of branson's poop colored suit.
that's like a fence or something and i want it.
oh lord.
poor lang.
could someone please get him some xanax?
sweet mrs. p tells him in a private moment that she lost her nephew in the war.
lang totally shits all over her later.
meanwhile thomas is leaving a cloud of swarth on everything he touches.
o'brien convinces him that he needs to be house manager.
so long as he can give orders to mr. carson he's all in.
blah blah i'm the boss.
fuck you say??
mrs. p cries bc somebody (hard side eye to lang) mentioned that her nephew offed himself
on account of cowardice..
mrs. hughes reminds him he isn't the only one affected by the war.
this war is a dick y'all.
meanwhile the crawley's are gonna play some ping pong maybe.
oops no time for ping pong.
here come the wounded to conva...convil...connvuh..GET BETTER..
who's that guy ??
it's corporal moustache.
yaaaay!
matthews back from war'cation!
d'oh!
meanwhile branson has a heart murmur and can't fight in the war.
downstairs cousin isobel is throwing it down like charles in charge.
not so fast scott baio..
those eyes mean business.
so does lord g..
nothing sexier than a man who will beat your ass down for upsetting his wife.
happy wife=happy life.
believe it.
outside ethel is talking about her tucking skills to major moustache..
i think the sneak peek of next week would indicate that that actually happens.
later, blissfully unaware of captain moustache's ball tucking plan, ethel tells anna that she thinks he really likes her.
meanwhile anna curls her hair for mr. bates to practice for lady mary.
freshly curled, anna shows up at the red lion in yorklorien..or whatever. diagon alley.
to lure mr. bates into her vagina maybe.
but mr. bates is like, no that's not your path.
translation for modern times: you aren't a slut so stop trying to act like one.
we will be married soon.
be patient.
not slutty.
here we go again.
spooky eyes and the countess are still trying to convince mary to tell matthew that maybe lavinia had an affair with sir richard or her uncle or something during the macaroni scandal.
KILL LAVINIA!!!!!!
"really rosamund there's no need to be so gleeful. you sound like robespiere lopping off marie antoinette's head. hhoo hoo hee hee."
( i made this gif btw. isn't it your new favorite gif?)
back at downton...
captain stumpy wants to write a letter to his parents..
except he can't..
branson is plotting a murder maybe...
"i will serve your dinner. a dinner of MURDER and death!!!!!!!"
later in the night..
lang has a horrific dream about the war.
sweet lord in heaven this poor bastard.
i have to tell you i cried a little bit in this scene.
this actor is killing it.
o'brien obviously secretly loves him.
and loves her hair so much that she wears a sweet diaper to bed to protect it.
next day..
the general arrives to see if downton is a legit convol...kornvil...coonvuhl...HOSPITAL!!
matthew is there too.
he stops to talk to mary about how annoying his mom is.
and throws serious shade onto lavinia..
by totally ignoring her!
lavinia confides in mary about the scandal that she can see brewing in the eyes of all these bitches..
oops.
that's gonna fuck all the plans up.
at dinner branson delivers the "soup"..
anna finds a letter branson writes to sybil..
carson rips him out of the dining room before any shit can go down....
downstairs we find that the pot is full of poocano..
i.e. ink, squid ink, pants, poop, corn, poopcorn, darts and guy fieri's boob sweat.
at dinner general such and such determines edith wins the prize for most awesome crawley!
"TO EDITH!"
elsewhere...
william proposes to daisy.
gross says daisy.
but mrs. p is like...
and that's that.
outside..
lang loses his cool in front of everybody.
that's the last straw.
yer fired.
and we end with lord and lady cuddles...
cora and L.G. discuss the war sads.
try not to choke to death in your sleep lord g....jesus.
and now..
last week a few of you thought i was not paying homage to the awesome one line zingers that maggie smith delivers each week.
well..
say no more.
from now on i will record myself delivering said one liners AS lady violet and you hookers will vote for your favorite.
i do everything for your happiness.
LINE 1
LINE 2
LINE 3
LINE 4
master-bates,
