AHS recap: you better axe somebody.

the truth is i mostly wanted to punch this episode in it's cold, stiff, unyielding mound.

i thought it was all over the place and full of...."she's a witch..why didn't she do this?!"  or "zoe killed a pack of zombies last week...she can't take down anthony bourdain's axe-wielding brother with her hand?!"

that said there were definite creepy moments and a handful of plot turns and shit. 

and praise white witch yeezus..

THIS is happening!

so without further adoo doo in your voo doo..

let's recap:

the axeman is chopping people up in 1919 new orleans and that shit really happened. 

also he likes jazz and he will chop you up on a tuesday if you aren't playing it in your home.

i would've been so axed because jazz is the worst. 

in the house of roblahblah,  a front and center meryl streep kid is all..

" we must not be thee docile or thee axeman will get thee and haven't we suffered enough with this thee women suffrage in thine lace collar club?"

what is this a 5th grade chekov play?

but then when the axeman actually comes because FUCK jazz..

the lace collar club stabs the shit out of him. 

back to present day and zoe is going through madison's things..

vodka, gun, rubbers etc..

when an old bottle guides the way into a closet full of photographs and a spirit board.

bottles are the easiest way for ghosts to point us in the direction of what we need to see don't you know.

 if i were a ghost (and i am) i would pick the board up and be all.."here dummy".

zoe serves up some absinthe to go along with the spirit summoning. 

queenie knows a thing or two about spirit boards and is like you don't know shit about this shit.

"contact and release" is the name of the game.

and don't release what..you..contact....or..something.

meanwhile fiona is getting her chemo on and she has somehow developed the power of hearing thoughts. 

she gives us another career performance here.

i did this scene a few times and it was so melodramatic awful i was like..people are gonna think i am trying to get a part in something.

so i nixed it.

sorry.

there wasn't a lot of fiona juice this week.

girl was broke down and full of sads. 

nan and the rest of mystery incorporated are SUPER FUCKING SLEUTHS! 

pictures of old timey witches + an axeman website + the date he was murdered = THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!!

seriously?

they're using scooby senses instead of witch powers here, people!

the supreme herself needs a ouija board- oops..i mean spirit board to ask (axe) the axeman where madison is.

seriously?

she needs to ask a game to ask a ghost where another ghost is??!!

so spirit board tells her madison's in the attic.

why couldn't madison just tell nan?

grrrr.

up she goes into filch's stinky doll room.

upon finding madison's corpse in the chest

filch grabs her and we find out later that zoe defeated him by hitting him over the head with a doll. 

sigh. no witch powers needed. 

ol' acid eyes shows up in a very bad mood.

who can blame her?

what with all the ROSES IN THE ROOM!

hank touches her and she gets all flashy and sees "the redhead".

then fiona touches her and she sees "auntie myrtle".

at some point i think whoever threw acid on her is going to touch her and she'll "see" who did that too.  

filch is channeling the nuge and getting interrogated by the clue crew.

nan tries to read his mind which is super dumb because WHY HASN'T SHE BEEN DOING THAT ALL ALONG?!
i mean she could have already solved the mystery of the EVERYTHING at this point.

filch has learned a trick or 2 over the years and he starts manipulating his own thoughts.

instead of the real thoughts, which would be fiona slitting madison's throat and filch rolling her up in the rug....he has pretend thoughts of necrophilia.  and "cold, stiff mounds".

and no, he's not talking about a winter baseball game.

over in stevie hollow misty is giving frankenkyle a bath (while simultaneously healing auntie myrtle in a mound of swamp water and alligator voodookie) when he starts flashing thoughts of his molesting mom so frankenkyle gets frankenfreaked and starts frankenruining things.

including misty's only stevie touchstone...her radio. 

zoe shows up and misty is like get him the frankenfuck out because he "broke stevie". 

down in cordelia's conservatory misty tries to "resurge" madison only since she's mostly decomposed it proves to be a bit of a challenge.

nothing a little stomach pumping and massaging can't fix.

after a spurtle of old, rusty blood and a cockroach emerge from her mouth, madison pops up and states, "i need a cigarette."

hank visits marie and is all "we have a problem".

and marie is all you're damn right we have a problem.

so we were right, hank is total bullshit.

despite looking like a 90's sitcom dad he is also a witch hunter.

later zoe asks misty to "stay the night." and "sleep in a bed for a change you disgusting swamp monster".

misty declines due to "bad vibes"

what bad vibes you ask?

no, not the bad vibes of 2 dead teenagers brought back to life...

these bad vibes.

so a ghost can hold you hostage, apparently. 

and touch your boobs.

the axeman having not been properly "released" by zoe decides to terrorize poor, old, blind cordelia.

ok.

really?

 WHY DOESN'T ANYONE USE THEIR DAMN WITCH POWERS!??!

as i said earlier..

zoe brought down an entire army of zombies using some "be in your nature" shit with her HAND!

her hand!!

wait a minute....!!!!

hey that's a hand!

oh. nope. sorry.

she's just using it to dust a bookshelf. 

seriously?!

so she grabs a book to read some magic spell that will release a murderer into the streets at night?

albeit a ghost murderer, but still a murderer. 

and away he goes...

down the street to a bar.

where he "hey pretty lady"'s a freshly chemo'd fiona holding a fistful of hair. 

OH so many questions.

am i imagining this episode was not great?

was it great and i just missed something?

delphine was notably missing. 

i liked that we found out about hank...

and that madison is back..

but it just felt so silly. 

can we not acknowledge the fact that zoe brought down the zombies with her hand and some nature mantra?

i mean, come on.

it felt like 1 step forward 2 steps back. 

next week looks like queenie pays a visit to marie. 

but will fiona not smell the bullshit in the axeman's pockets?

will myrtle be ready for harvesting?

will her red hair be intact?

will madison remember?

fiona could erase that shit like she did those gravediggers in episode 2.

thoughts?

spill. 

downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.

 this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.

which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.

i am working on part 2 as we speak..

i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.

americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).

in any case..

here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).

 it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.

the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.

everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.

sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.

lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.

 downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle. 

essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.

also...treacle. 

treacle.

 

meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton.  "no one would even notice or care".

 the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,

he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..

back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.

there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.

there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.

o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.

later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.

finger waving?

braiding.

finger braiding?

i'll stick with fingering.

she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.

that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.

 lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.

cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.

he agrees.

must remember this technique.

over at the jail...

 

 anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...

anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?

now...what news have you got for ME?

bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?

anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by accident...now let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I..  and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.

meanwhile...

 

alfred, the giant footman shows up.

he's a ginger too. 

double fucked.

carson is not impressed.

across town.. 

lord G visits the monopoly guy.

 

 monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.

apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.  

ever.

which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.

meanwhile...

everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.

speaking of lame couples... 

edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.

while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.

and as we all now know...

that ain't happening bc there is no money.

family dinner #4,000..

everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.

no one is more excited than the dowager.

and the ginger giant is helping with dinner.. 

the dowager is visibly sickened..

talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..

the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..

matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...

it's gross.

sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...

background tension.

and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..

matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.

matthew being one of them.

the first guy died of the spanish flu.

 the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.

i think we all know where this is going...

wait...where is this going?

family dinner #4,001..

everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.

when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?

meanwhile...

 

daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.

OH! and the gray's are coming.

wait...who are the gray's???

 upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..

cora's cool about it because she's an american.

have gun will murder travel.

tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.

matthew tells tom he's got his back..

matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.

meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..

or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.

a little later..

 

 anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????

downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..

o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..

why would i do that?  i'm an asshole, remember?

and just like that the dream team is destroyed.

upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.

the young gray...larry?...is picking on tom..

and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.

or something.

also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.

LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..

she's like..

meanwhile...

sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.

at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.

grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!

after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue. 

he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).

 what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..

matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...

all the girls swoon accordingly...

that'll show eyebrow guy.

 LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.

seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?

i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?

 and...

bates and his cell mate have words.

the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.

they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.

he's like..no thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.

they're like..no..you wear morning coat.

here comes trouble.

aka martha levinson.

cora's mother.

shirley maclaine.

me in 20 years...

there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...

once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...

martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.

why should he inherit all her money?

matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?

he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..

he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune. 

but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.

mary's like..umm...no you DO want it. 

and she slaps the paper out of his hand...

bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken. 

the dowager runs into martha in the hall...

dowager:  americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.

martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.

the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.

the best we get from the dowager is this:

meanwhile..

family dinner 4,002..

it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.

martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.

the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...

 i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..

mary is upset and leaves.

(who wouldn't?  old people eating soup is gross.  ok everyone eating soup is gross.)

tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...

tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.

upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...

worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.

but whatever..

 matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.

she's not having it..at first...

but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.

he wants to kiss her...

but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....

and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.

but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).

seriously those things have a mind of their own.

"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"

WEDDING DAY!!

more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.

cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.

downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...

she appears and says..

will i do....carson?

it's the sweetest thing ever.

carson tries to choke back tears...

and i nearly gag on my own tears.

blah blah they get married...

 the end.

my thoughts..

shirley maclaine killed it.

she was a breath of fresh air.

 i expected nothing less.

so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..

they have to sell

they have to get the money from big martha 

matthew inherits lavinia's fortune

or...they have to open a pretzel shop.

time will tell. 

but i do love a good pretzel.

edith is coming on strong to sir antony,

who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.

 i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.

i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.

what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?

and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene.. 

i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.  

 spill it!!

was it as good as you'd hoped?

nothing really ever is, is it?

***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..

we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap. 

i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.

 

christmas letdown(ton)

 i was expecting more from christmastime at downton.

those snowy images i kept seeing all over the internet were misleading mr. julian fellowes.

christmas lasted 5 minutes then jumped to new years then to a murder trial then to a dog search party then to some hunting then to a snow twirling proposal then to credits.

wait..this whole episode was kind of a letdown.

i am confused by my emotions right now.

i mean i was crying right along with anna when she was going to leave downton.

i was happy to not have to endure more sybil/branson dumbness.

i was moved in a way that only the waltons circa 1980 could move me when daisy realized she loved william and william was the only one who ever really loved her.

and then again moved to tears when william's dad asked to be her dad too.

but the matthew and mary part..

THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT OF THIS SHOW..

was like...huh??

i mean, who doesn't love a snowy twirl?

but..it was a bit anticlimactic if you ask me mr. julian fellowes.

the kiss should have at least made me moist in my unders.

but it didn't.

and i could have done without the rosamund/boyfriend/maid bit.

who cares about that?

no one. that's who.

and i actually felt sorry for carlisle.

he loved mary.  he just didn't know how to be cool about it.

he was too possesive and couldn't handle an aloof woman like mary.

plus he looks like this in real life.

so..

i will commence the recap but you should know mr. julian fellowes that next season i won't stand for any more bullshit.

no shark jumping canadian burn victims.

no ouija boards signifying nothing.

no one calling mrs. patmore fat.  

unless you called her mrs. fatmore.  that would have been hilarious.

i'm kidding, i'm kidding!

seriously that writer needs to be put down like a lame horse.

and..

no more dogs locked in sheds.

etc..

don't get me wrong...

i still LOVED it.

let's go!!

it's christmastime!!

look at the pretty tree with LIGHTS!

it's almost 1920!

 the fashions have changed and you can collectively hear all the women shouting.."FUCK YOU SLEEVES!!"

in wintertime no less.  

that's so ballsy!

and stupid.

i live in the south where our winters top out at 50 degrees and i am wearing 8 sweaters under my bathrobe all day long.  

so while these bitches feign warmth, the servants stand in a line waiting for their gifts.

who planned this condescending shit out?

called forth like they were receiving an award for best cot making abilities.

and 

nothing says season finale better than introducing a new storyline and character.. 

aunt rosamund is at downton for the holidays (but not sybil. weird) and she's brought her sassy mouth new maid..

ms. shaw.

who starts right in with the bates put-downs.

(them's fightin' words!)

and putting ideas into daisy's pea brain about a promotion.

upstairs the gift giving is a bit more civil..albeit still weird..

everyone stands around and opens presents. 

stands?

and no where near the tree?

what is wrong with 1919 england?

the DC receives a nutcracker from cousin isobel and matthew. 

haha..i get it.

an edwardian gag gift, right?

no???!

then she should have beaten cousin isobel in the eyeball with it.

 this whole episode tried to slam down our throats that matthew and mary are sooo right for each other.. 

while carlisle and mary are soooo not right for each other.

i mean carlisle was lurking in a corner seething with jealousy in virtually every shot.

next up was christmas dinner.

in comes carson with absent sybil's favorite flambe... 

downstairs christmas fun means talking to the dead via a ouija board..

 

while upstairs charades are all the rage..

"charades is gay". 

and somewhere not so very christmasy is mr. bates.

sitting in jail wrongfully (or is he??) accused of murdering his wife and awaiting his fate..

i made up a special t-shirt for the occasion...

 

later on lord grantham confides in carson that he is uncomfortable with the idea of thomas as his new valet..

 next day has harry dunn aka anthony strallan visiting the countess only surprise...

edith is there too.

that crazy countess just wants everyone to be happy.

 over in the gloomy gray jail...

anna tells bates not to count his busted up chickens before they hatch.

aka you haven't been convicted yet!

let's wait and see how your awesome friends and BFF lord grantham come to your defense in the courtroom by NOT telling the judges about all that mrs. bates murder talk that went down a while back.

later lord hepworth or whoever the fuck he is..the "fortune hunter" intended for rosamund,  shows up for new year's eve and secret maid nooners.

 sybil's pregnant!

 4, 3, 2, 1....

happy new year!!!!!

upstairs it's champagne and more standing.

dowstairs it's more oiuja and wine.

these edwardians are NUTS!!!!

oops...the golden agers?  the roaring 20's-ers?

new years day is all about the hunt.

and while sir dick wants nothing more than to strap mary to his gun..

it's matthew who gets her for the first drive. 

pretty. 

there is a dick carlisle/dick cheney parallel here for sure.

edith pays a visit to sir anthony. 

oh edith.

LOOK at that poor bastard.  

perfect for edith in every way. 

daisy feels she needs to tell william's father that she didn't love william in that way and he's like...

you did though. what you did for him was love. even if you don't see it.

and he loved you.

and she's like..

oh yeaaah!!!

you're right.

and then i cried.

 getting on mary's nerves.

a lovely hunt lunch in a barn.

stable?

the DC tries to get to the bottom of this "fortune hunter's" intentions.

"i'm warning you...if you don't marry me soon i will stick it in your butt on our wedding night".

 "mary...i won't penetrate your butt.  ever!"

sorry.

it had to be said.

 later..

cora tells LG all about mary's powerful turk killing pussy.

and then it's time for bates's trial. 

and this is where shit just gets ri DIC u LOUS!

it's like everyone was given a dram (old time word) of truth serum or something!

first obrien spills the beans..

 "h e..h a a d..a...s c r a t c h....o n...h i s...(murderer)...eeeyyyye..."

then mrs. hughes...

no better...

"h e....c a l l e d....h e r r r....a a a a....b i t c h h h...flaargg..blaah blleeep" 

then finally...

lord grantham for the save!!

but then BAM!!!!

" h e....s a i d d d...i....w i s h....t h a t t t....b i t c h...w a s s s..d e a a a d d d...bleeepity blap blorp" 

GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU'RE GOING TO HANG AND YOUR HEAD WILL POP OFF AND YOUR EYEBALLS WILL POP OUT AND YOU WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND YOU WILL DIIIEEEEE!!

then once they get their heads out of their asses they gather in a pub to talk about getting the convicition changed to life in prison instead of death.

which is sooooo much better.

and then more truth.. 

lord grantham tells mary he knows all about mr. pamuk and he doesn't care.

there's already scandal.

let them be the kardashians of 1920. 

"go bring home a cowboy from the middle west!"

score!

mary gets a trip to new york and a sexy cowboy lover.

 elsewhere..

thomas locks isis in a shed.

anna visits bates in jail for what appears to be the last time.

even the cockblocking guard thinks this whole thing is the sadz. 

mrs. patmore's had enough with the ouija and daisy's reluctance to go visit poor william's dad at the farm..

she pretends the board is william telling daisy to go to the farm.

and since daisy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, she believes it.

the hunt for isis is on..

anna tells carson and mrs. hughes that she is leaving downton..

and mary tells matthew about pamuk..

while somewhat hurt and resentful..

mary's cooter is just. too. powerfullllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!

 thomas is sweating the fact that he might have killed isis.

and over at the farm..

william's dad tells daisy all about how all of his kids had died and he is all alone and could daisy be his daughter

and i was crying the ugliest cry you've ever seen.

somehow thomas manages to convince lord grantham that he is to be trusted.. 

when clearly is the worst human being and should never be trusted.

i'm telling you those pajama collars are choking the sense out of lord grantham.

anna asks mary if she can go to new york with her.

spin off, spin off!!! 

lord G tells carson that maybe thomas can see him naked afterall..

 even carson's like..

whaaat?

and then in the SADDEST scene of all all ALL times..

 anna tells mrs. hughes goodbye and mrs. hughes tells anna that she is essentially the house maid equivalent of a rock star..

it's so heartfelt and sad and i cry a little just looking at these pictures.

you are too!!!! i see you!

in the library mary tells dick so long.. 

matthew comes in and it doesn't take long before dick plays the lavinia card (matthew and mary's kryptonite for being together) and then punches are thrown.

no one wins bc LG comes in with WORDS to break it up.

stop this at once?

really?

with all of dick's vitriol i thought for sure he would try to break matthew's weiner.

this time for good.  

anyway...see ya later dick!

good riddance you dirty plot line obstacle/conflict.

then later there is some good news..

 bates got a repreive.

he will get to play the rest of his days out in a gloomy prison.

but at least he's alive!

(tell that to a prisoner. i'm sure you would get shanked)

anna visits bates to deliver this t-shirt i had made special... 

everyone's going to be wearing it next season.

withOUT sleeves thankyouverymuch.

time for the servant's ball!!!

where unlikey duos dance the night away and drink from the same bottle.

what a great opportunity to get your fuck on with a maid..

anna, who has been doing some lurking of her own this episode, spies lord herp derp and rosamund's self righteous maid doin it in probably william's deathbed.  

rosamund don't really give a shit.

she's just pissed her mom was right.

i can say with experience on both ends of that spectrum that that is indeed accurate.

and for what i can only guess is segue purposes.. 

anna and daisy are in the basement playing with that confounded ouija again.

this time it says it hopes they are happy.

who? daisy and anna?

bates and anna?

matthew and mary?

daisy and her new dad?

isis and LG?

cora and LG?

lord herp derp and the maid?

WHOOO???

perhaps.

all of them.

sniff sniff

and then finally...

in a magical freezing world...

where sleeves aren't needed..

and no one can see your breath bc you are too pure and lovely to have breath..

it finally happened..

matthew proposed!  

and sealed it with..

 the stiffest, most un-passionate, most stagey gross i am kissing my brother kiss that was ever seen in all of the land.

THE END.

let's talk.

how did you feel about it?

what do you want to see next season?

what do you NOT want to see next season?

and for your viewing pleasure..

i give you..

the DC's bestest lines.

with special appearances by cousin isobel, dick carlisle and matthew..

downton recap: episode 3- the case of the missing matthew

 

this week started me off in my happy place.

watching cousin isobel (can we all rejoice in how much that name sounds like a long lost 'facts of life' character?)

squirm in a self righteous slow burn is positively gleeful. 

cora is changing shit.

namely schedules.

 

cousin isobel is clearly hurt by the fact that no one seems to care whether she's there or not.

perhaps if you weren't such condescending slut, ISOBEL.

speaking of sluts...

 

ethel is walking on very dangerous slutty ground.

meanwhile.. 

the dowager countess and mary are walking and talking.

and then sitting and talking.

the countess is still gunning for matthew as mary's husband.

mary just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about matthew,

and to start considering once and for all sir richard car-LYLE for president of mary's cold, steeley cooter.

the DC quickly changes the subject to that of sybil and how could someone so pretty be so single?

can we all just finally come to grips with the fact that sybil is gay? (for me)

back inside downton...

isobel is downstairs threatening mrs. hughes with the eyes of a woman on the verge of post-menopausal murder.

but rather than waste her good murdery eyes on lowly mrs. hughes she marches upstairs and straight into her ladyship's bedroom..

cora just simply has no time for this..

oh you done did it now cora..

outside 2 almost lovers in uniforms are about to be cockblocked by mary... 

later..

because nothing clears away the war sads faster than an impromptu concert and magic show...

edith and mary practice for their big number.

isobel runs away from home leaving mrs. bird and mr. molesley to their own devices.

 which is pretty much nothing.

mrs. bird decides that pickling eggs would be fun..

a war vet hobbles in looking for some food and a soup kitchen is born..

so that boredom can die. 

circle of life.

over at downton..

molesley is in the running for england's next top valet.

and daisy spills the beans about mr. bates working in the local pub...

and..

that william is missing and therefore..

matthew must be missing too!!

"this news would have been better recieved in my uniform".

at dinner the DC is poking around for signs of lesbianism..

"i didn't say anything!"

meanwhile...

molesley is still in the running toward becoming england's next top valet.

and..

o'brien tattles on the soup crew.

mrs. hughes hears a noise that sounds like fucking.

that mrs. hughes was right.

 ethel is fired.

4life.

meanwhile...

the bromance blossoms.

 yay!!!!  bates is back.

wait..what?

 sorry molesley you are not england's next top valet.

and neither is your shoe horn.  stick.  back scratcher.

 bates and anna hoping for the best.

edith tells mary that matthew is missing saying that she thought she should know.

ha! 

*we have a rule in this house...and it's primarily the reason i NEVER watch the news..

and that is you never ever ever tell me anything horrible right before bed.

i will chop your head off.  

for real.

mary cries and stabs edith.

and then she and anna drag the body across the house.

next day..

 the soup crew: BUSTED!

only ha ha jokes on you o'brien..

lady grantham says you're on the bread line.

that's just one notch up from the spoon line.

finally!!

it's concert time..

time for some dumb ass magic..

"watch me hide my penis inside ethel.." 

and..

ladies and gentlemen..

the moment we've all been wating for..

THE

CRAWLEY SISTERS!!!!!

" blah blah...laaa laa...sing sing...you're the only girl...blah blahh"

but then suddenly as only true love knows...

"really? what is it you smell?  is it my trench balls?

or is it my fear of being turned down by you one more time?"

"but seriously folks..

don't stop singing this gay song on my behalf.

EVERYONE!!!"

"lllaaaa la la la blah blah you're the only one foree meeeeeee"

after the scene that gave my dad a grand mal seizure and choke on his own tongue..

just some old fashioned after concert mingling..

"car-LYLE." 

 "sweet lavinia"

suddenly..

mrs. hughes is called away from the party to address a problem..

a pregnant ethel.. 

the next earl of grantham?

why else would they write this bullshit?

while you marinate on that for a spell..

please vote for your favorite dowager countess quip..

1. 

2.

3.

4.

branson farts,

downton recap : episode 2 : with impressions

WOW.

this week was packed FULL of stuff, right?

characters changed right before our eyes!!

my brain will explode if i try to recap this in prior recap fashion, so i won't.

instead i will recap with pictures and thoughts.

like bill cosby and picture pages.

here we go!!

 things are starting to get uncomfortable for the crawleys, aren't they?

rich folk sharing their home with strangers?

unheard of!!

fortunately for the wounded soldiers the crawleys are crazy nice.

mostly. (molesley?)

 poor edith.

she doesn't know what to do with herself..

 

sybil tells her she has a gift she just needs to find it.

sybil rules.

 cousin isobel is barking orders at everyone as if she owned downton.

 bark, bark, bark

the countess along with spooky-eyes rosamund are trying in their corseted rage to rid the world of a certain lavinia swire.

bates is sneaking around in the village like chris hanson in a chat room.

anna sees him and runs to discover that bates can disappear like a scooby doo ghost.

meanwhile cora is as dumb as ever.

i mean seriously?

bless her heart.

"no, really...thomas would make a great house manager!"

anna is busy curling lady mary's hair with some new-fangled hot stick of metal. 

she is confused bc she thinks she saw bates in the village.

mary's like ...my boyfriend is the boss of spying. 

he will totally find out anything you need to know.

 systematic bullying.

meanwhile all branson wants is to fight and go to jail?

huh?

obviously all i could focus on here was that moss growing on the roof.

it makes me very happy.

"prison is the place for me.  and your butt." 

and again...my focus is on that rushing to the right of branson's poop colored suit.

that's like a fence or something and i want it.

oh lord.

poor lang.

could someone please get him some xanax?

 sweet mrs. p tells him in a private moment that she lost her nephew in the war.

lang totally shits all over her later.

 meanwhile thomas is leaving a cloud of swarth on everything he touches.

o'brien convinces him that he needs to be house manager.

so long as he can give orders to mr. carson he's all in.

 blah blah i'm the boss.

fuck you say??

mrs. p cries bc somebody (hard side eye to lang) mentioned that her nephew offed himself

on account of cowardice..

mrs. hughes reminds him he isn't the only one affected by the war.

this war is a dick y'all.

meanwhile the crawley's are gonna play some ping pong maybe.

oops no time for ping pong. 

here come the wounded to conva...convil...connvuh..GET BETTER..

 who's that guy ??

 it's corporal moustache. 

 yaaaay! 

matthews back from war'cation!

 d'oh!

 meanwhile branson has a heart murmur and can't fight in the war.

 downstairs cousin isobel is throwing it down like charles in charge.

not so fast scott baio..

those eyes mean business.

so does lord g..

 nothing sexier than a man who will beat your ass down for upsetting his wife.

happy wife=happy life.

believe it.

outside ethel is talking about her tucking skills to major moustache..

i think the sneak peek of next week would indicate that that actually happens.

later, blissfully unaware of captain moustache's ball tucking plan, ethel tells anna that she thinks he really likes her.  

meanwhile anna curls her hair for mr. bates to practice for lady mary. 

freshly curled, anna shows up at the red lion in yorklorien..or whatever.  diagon alley. 

to lure mr. bates into her vagina maybe.

but mr. bates is like, no that's not your path.  

translation for modern times: you aren't a slut so stop trying to act like one.

we will be married soon.  

be patient.

not slutty.

 here we go again.

spooky eyes and the countess are still trying to convince mary to tell matthew that maybe lavinia had an affair with sir richard or her uncle or something during the macaroni scandal.

KILL LAVINIA!!!!!!

"really rosamund  there's no need to be so gleeful.  you sound like robespiere lopping off marie antoinette's head. hhoo hoo hee hee." 

( i made this gif btw.  isn't it your new favorite gif?)

back at downton...

captain stumpy wants to write a letter to his parents..

except he can't..

branson is plotting a murder maybe...

"i will serve your dinner.  a dinner of MURDER and death!!!!!!!"

later in the night.. 

lang has a horrific dream about the war.

sweet lord in heaven this poor bastard.

i have to tell you i cried a little bit in this scene.

this actor is killing it.

o'brien obviously secretly loves him.

and loves her hair so much that she wears a sweet diaper to bed to protect it.

next day..

the general arrives to see if downton is a legit convol...kornvil...coonvuhl...HOSPITAL!!

matthew is there too.

he stops to talk to mary about how annoying his mom is.

and throws serious shade onto lavinia..

by totally ignoring her!

lavinia confides in mary about the scandal that she can see brewing in the eyes of all these bitches..

 oops.

that's gonna fuck all the plans up.

at dinner branson delivers the "soup"..

anna finds a letter branson writes to sybil.. 

 carson rips him out of the dining room before any shit can go down....

downstairs we find that the pot is full of poocano..

 i.e. ink, squid ink, pants, poop, corn, poopcorn, darts and guy fieri's boob sweat.

at dinner general such and such determines edith wins the prize for most awesome crawley!

"TO EDITH!" 

elsewhere...

william proposes to daisy.

gross says daisy.

but mrs. p is like... 

and that's that. 

outside..

lang loses his cool in front of everybody.

that's the last straw.

yer fired.

and we end with lord and lady cuddles... 

cora and L.G. discuss the war sads.  

try not to choke to death in your sleep lord g....jesus. 

and now..

last week a few of you thought i was not paying homage to the awesome one line zingers that maggie smith delivers each week.

well..

 say no more.

from now on i will record myself delivering said one liners AS lady violet and you hookers will vote for your favorite.

i do everything for your happiness.

 LINE 1

LINE 2 

LINE 3

LINE 4

master-bates,

downton recap. sorrythistooksolongholyFFF!

 me: ok, so there's this show that is really super awesome.

internet: really? what is it?

me: well,  it's called downton abbey and it's on pbs.

internet: whoooah.  that sounds like barf.

me: no...it's not.  i get it though.  pbs how boring...but it's so not boring.  i promise.

imagine there's this big, awesome country house in england and it's during a very important time in history.

internet: (yawns)

me: the aristocracy is changing,  people are starting to realize that the class system is becoming obsolete.

it's about these rich people who do NOTHING.. and they complain about shit all the time.

but that's their existence.  that's it.  they eat dinner in full fancy dress, they hunt things, they ride horses and take long walks.  that's it.

OH!  and tea.  always tea.

internet: tea=boring.  and gay.

me:  not.  they are all really lovable and they all mean well, except for this bitch edith who just tries to shit on everyone's happiness.  but still, at her core she is just bitter and sad bc she's pretty much the ugly one.

and then there are the servants who live in the house too and they are really interesting and funny and you love them and hate some of them only even the ones you hate you still hope they change their ways and then you would totally give them a free pass bc deep down you know they are just going through some shit too.

it's just their existence.  

the cards they were dealt.

you're either born into it or your born into something else.

there's no way to change it.

until now.

there is a war on now..and once people start dying..shit changes fast.

death makes people forget about their social status real quick.

also there's romance!

internet: is there a rose ceremony?

the year is 1916 and matthew crawley is hard at work doing war.

and by hard at work i mean he's dreaming about a girl.

we assume this girl is mary, but we find out that that's not the case.

or is it?

anyway..

matthew is apparently the boss of the war bc he can come and go from it as he pleases.

**a word about matthew...i KNOW everyone is like.."matthew crawley...ahh!!! so dreamy!!"

but i just don't feel it. 

he looks like a total pussy and he acts like one too.

i am way more into lord grantham.

but i would throw my panties at mr. bates.

meanwhile...

back at downton..

lord grantham is in his favorite old uniform getting ready to have a ball? party? dance-off?

just kidding..

it's a concert (for this slutty ass war).

unfortunately all of the good servants are off doing war too.

so poor mr. carson is stuck doing all the jobs.

there's a new maid in town and her name is ethel and she is a total cunt.

and i love her.

mary is at aunt rosamund's, bates is at a funeral, thomas is still in the trenches, william wants to do war but is  too busy with downton stuff, sybil is wanting to do more for the cause, o'brien still hates everyone but thomas..

you know..the usual.

then BLAMMO!

cousin isobel tells cora, lord G and the dowager that matthew is coming home and bringing his fiance...

wha????

yes, fiance.

her name is lavinia swire. *best name*

 cora, lord G and lady violet are like..fuck it..bring her on in.

mary will just have to deal with that ultimate sadness.

but mary, ever the hider of feelings, is like..

oh that's awesome!  i am so happy for them..

besides i have my own boyfriend now!

he's totally sketchy and creepy but still...i am soooo over matthew.

bring that bitch on and let's all be friends.

elsewhere..

mr. bates shows up..

 and he has good news for anna..

his wife is giving him a divorce and they can be finally be together.

but then 

not so fast you two..

bates' wife, vera shows up and poops all over that idea.

meanwhile cousin isobel tells sybill that she should be a nurse and that will help her to feel important.

shit is changing, exhibit #1.

next thing she is in the kitchen with mrs. patmore (love her) baking cakes...

 because girls have to have skills to get by in the world of war and nursing except for cake baking is a very important skill in the world of cake eating only.

cora is super sad that her youngest is leaving the house..

but away she goes!!

branson, the chauffeur, who is in love with her drops her off at nurse school and tells her so.

**sybil brings out the gay in me.

anyway..

she likes him but needs to be focused on nursing and saving lives

plus he's a chauffeur and she's a lady.

there's that pesky social class issue again.

and finally..

 it's concert time!!

everyone is dressed like total sluts...war sluts.

 in walks matthew and lavinia..

oops he sees mary.

she sees him..

it's major. 

later those same eyes throw acid shade at lavinia..

during the concert some crazy poor bitches show up and give out some kind of white feather dart..

my man, lord G tells them to GTFO.

**i love it when L.G. gets all gruff and stern and then is all...just kidding..sorry i yelled.

so cute.

 

"ha ha ha ha haaa ha...it's all good."

then everyone goes to do what they do best...

 eat a boring ass dinner.

during which is a lot of eye darting.

and dowager farting?

maybe.

i mean you could fart all day under those huge skirts and no one would ever know.

i need one of those yesterday.

anyway..

 mainly it's just war talk.

downstairs mr. bates' wife, vera shows up to say, hey guess what..

you are coming with me. bc ha ha i do NOT grant you a divorce.

she wants to be a butthole just for the sake of being a butthole.

so unlike a downton character, where behind every nasty act lies at the very least a good intention. 

see she found about about mary's affair with the turk last season and that she is not virtuous.

such a scandal.

so bc bates is a fucking hero he's like i will sacrifice my own happiness so that no scandal falls on this family.

the next morning mary sees matthew off on the train but not before giving him her favorite..

 

she's like..here..take this it will bring you luck.

and he's like, thanks but i might not come back bc this war is FUCKING TERRIBLE AT BEST!

this is almost too much for mary.

she goes home and immediately starts praying..

it's really sweet.

and then that bitch edith walks in and is like..

no you're dumb!!!

over on the battlefields..

thomas is like, get me the fuck out of here.

i hate war and i hate it's assface.

so after some "remember the old days at downton?" talk with matthew he decides

he'd much rather be there smokin some cigs with o'brien.

so he holds his hand up into the air with a lit flame

and gets a hole blown through it.

he is at once brave and a pussy.

so off to downton he goes.

he sends word to o'brien to lie and scheme (her best job) to get him a job in the hospital.

somehow we jump forward in time by a year.

everything is still going strong between lavinia and matthew.

and at this point mary's boyfriend, richard carlisle aka jack wagner has proposed.

crazy, right?

anyway..

no one likes him.

not even mary.

but especially not the countess.

there are some whispers of carlisle knowing lavinia in some way and i suspect a real soap opera worthy scandal to come out of that at some point.

 once again matthew has come home from his war'cation and he is bringing lavinia.

so now everyone's back together and what do they do of course???

eat dinner...

 poor mr. carson almost has a heart attack bc there is a valet, mr. lang (who is super shell shocked btw), acting as a footman.  A FOOTMAN!!!!

as mr. carson lays almost dead on the floor, it's nice to see the majority of the family rushing to his side, except for that bitch edith who is more concerned that shit was spilled on her dress.

a bit later, in my favorite scene, we see mary visting mr. carson who is lying in bed resting.

it has always been clear that mary is mr. carson's favorite..

he knows what's going on (as all the servants do bc they are like the family's free shrinks) with mary and matthew and he tells her that she needs to tell him how she feels bc if he dies in the war, god forbid, she'll never forgive herself.

she plans on giving him the speech to end all speeches but instead runs into lavinia who is crying and decides she can't.

downstairs..

thomas has arrived at downton and is like, guess what assholes?

i'm not a footman or a valet or whatever i was before..

i am almost a doctor!

he is taking care of an almost blind soldier who we are to assume he is falling in love with..

i think.

the soldier's eyes heal pretty well so..

 bc there is no room at the convalescent home for wounded soldiers he is to get the fuck out.

only he's shell shocked and needs some prozac stat.

only there is no prozac and no one has much experience with shell shock so they assume he's going to be ok.

only he's not and he slits his wrists and dies.

thomas cries.

hard to imagine really.

i mean if he loved him, well, that's sad.  not to mention the fear that you could be next in the crazy department and want to check out.

so scary.

war sucks ding dong.

sybil, and dr. clarkson all discuss what they are going to do with all of these men who need their attention and help.

they decide to ask lord G and lady V to use downton as a convalescent home.

lady V quickly poo poos it,

while cora is more understanding.

my guess is it's bc she will get to see more of her baby, sybil.

in the end sybil gets her way and downton becomes a convalescent home.

other points of interest..

edith drives a tractor and kisses a married man..

so let's discuss it.

i thought it was cool and a testament to why this show works so well that this war had an angle for every person..for example..

william and lord G wanted to do the honorable thing and fight for their country,

matthew wanted to escape, thomas was hoping to gain some sort of status.

and the women...

sybil wants to help and be useful.

edith pretends she wants that but really she's just bored.

mary doesn't know what she wants.

mary and matthew- well obviously we want them together.  they are the focus of the show most of the time.

at the end of the day is it BECAUSE of mary's inability to be honest about how she feels that they aren't together?

or is it the fact that she's TOO honest about her feelings, often putting her foot in her mouth and hurting other people?

in any case, she is misunderstood.

discuss..

this post was powered by many cups of coffee and several trips to the bathroom.