i think most people know how un-normal i am-
but this is just perplexing..
where most people would have been up for hours, clutching their buttholes so the poop didn't fall out after watching back to back episodes of american horror story...i slept like a baby.
for the first time in months.
go figure.
and, yes...that shit was scary.
especially last week's episode.
i was glued to my sofa under a blanket barely able to move.
thumbs up on the exorcism scene.
fucking horrifying.
and the dr. science/dr. sadist scenes.
fucking james cromwell for fucking acting president.
sadly, now he will forever be that creepy dr. who stands over that woman and holds his pee pee while he tells her to show him her mossy bank*- S L O W L Y.
stuff of nightmares.
ok let's begin..
last week..
jennamegantatumfox running and screaming from bloody face.
adam levine hanging on to life by an arm a thread.
bloody face stabs him in the chest with his weird stabby tool..
i guess he's dead, maybe?
moving right long..
a gaggle of lesbians..
so awesome.
there are 2 amazing lesbians comforting lana banana's GF, wendy..
a sweet, prim lez and a husky, butch lez.
apparently there are all kinds of lesbians- thank you ryan murphy!
the husky lez is trying to "console" wendy, who is beside herself with grief and guilt for having lana locked up with a murderer...
i've been "consoled" like that...not by a lesbian but i am not giving up hope.
knock knock...
uh oh that might be a murderer at your door.
don't answe....oh.wait...just trick or treaters...
worst masks ever.
oops...wendy forgot it was halloween.
but it's not..these kids are just being assholes and trying to get candy early.
(no one does that in real life ryan murphy. just so you know.)
she sobs in horror at the thought of an elementary school teacher wo candy on halloween.
nothing that a joint, a shower with all the windows open and the antithesis of scary songs playing in the background can't fix.
and then yep, you guessed it.
bloody face guts her.
or at least we assume.
it is very probable that these people aren't dead but in some state of life hanging on by an arm a thread.
(and now- no one's favorite...the creepy intro)
back at briarcliff it's a room raid with the usual nut cameos..(sounds like a seasonal chocolate)
pepper is hoarding bread.
lana is hoarding notes.
which is obviously way more punishable than bread hoarding or episode 1's shit slinging.
sister jude asks dr. science to give lana some calming and restorative electroshock therapy, he agrees bc that's his jam and they high five.
electroshock therapy looks like good times.
wait!! are those gigantor marshmallows?!
dr. threadson/zach quinto is on the scene...
he looks like all the pictures i have of my dad in the early 60's.
he is here to be the yang to sister jude's yin.
science vs. religion.
also he is here to evaluate kit.
after their talk dr. threadson decides kit is insane but also cute.
outside dr. science gives sister eunice a chinoiserie compost bin?...a decorative tin from pearl river?
oh...it's a candy apple.
because, duh.
theory- that apple is full of LSD and this season is all one big acid trip.
skrillex is watching it all go down from the window...
because foreshadowing.
elsewhere..
kit and french girl grace are conspiring to escape and lana overhears...
she is taking notes so she can remember in case there is more brain melting..
threadskin is talking to sister jude about the barbaric methods used at briarcliff..
she's like...well duh..it's a madhouse.
upstairs she meets some bumpkins who would describe their son, jed, as..umm...troubled..?
at the very least he is listless, moody...and doesn't get up for days.
so he has pms?
what other symptoms does he have?
lets see...
intense anger and lots of swearing? plus blood everywhere?
so hungry he could eat a horse-cow?
super bummed he ate all of it?
yes. total pms.
everybody goes down to get a look at the boy with pms..
he is obviously 3 hours into his period.
down in the basement lana and grace are having a spa day..
there is more escape talk.
taking kit...not taking kit.
nakedness.
the view of the trees.
someone you love throwing you away forever.
also, tubs with covers.
downstairs dr. science is peeling mrs. patmore's prized onions..
in walks skrillex...
she talks about pleasuring her candy apple when she was 5 and her mother making her wear mittens to bed and then i shot myself in the face.
in any case dr. science thinks women are sluts in general, but 'speshly skrillex.
this is foreshadowing at its best, people.
a hot priest, a priest in a wheelchair, a nun and nerdy scientist walk into an exorcism...
oops...not yet.
up in the common room..
lana and grace are doing more escape plotting.
with kit. no! without kit.
but it's exorcism night and that means everyone to bed early.
father eyebags is gearing up for an epic exorcism.
good thing he brought his wheelchair.
meanwhile..
it looks as though dr. science has a date..
with sister eunice a hooker that looks just like sister eunice.
unfortunately she starts up with the hooker talk but the dr. just wants a sweet and innocent ladyfriend to kill.
there is a knife threat, some roast beast carving, some wine snobbery and dance denying....
back over to you exorcism.
it's the devil everyone!!!
breaking out all his best impersonations such as:
dr. threadson's mother.
and keeper of everyone's secret hidden memories...
such as sister jude the jazzy nightclub singer..
who accidentaly ran over a little girl after too much booze and rejection..
jude freaks her freak and slaps the shit out of jed...
father hotness and dr. threadskin run in and tear jude off of jed.
threadskin gives him a shot of the good shit and the lights go out.
literally.
briarcliff manor is without power.
this OF COURSE opens all the doors so that everyone is free to roam around.
grace and lana run hand in hand down the hall to freedom...
jed is having a heart attack bc the devil is literally killing him..
kit runs into grace and lana and tries to get in on the escape..
lana says no..grace says no, fuck YOU... WE'RE leaving.
which is exactly what i would do.
seriously..i would be so out of there and would not give 1 fuck about anyone coming with me.
but lana screams that the killer is escaping and poor kit turns around and gives her this face...
but she's just sooooo convinced he is the murderer who killed all those women.
and lesbians are the best women's activists that we have.
the guards proceed to beat the shit out of kit.
obviously.
jed's body is losing the battle with the devil..
just then sister eunice shows up...coveniently.
bc everyone knows sister eunice is the queen of the ninnies.
jed dies...
the cross on the wall falls..
and then..
the devil finds a new body to possess.
sister eun, y'all.
which is really just too awesome for words.
upstairs the dr.'s hooker is wiping "that trashy makeup" off her face..
and getting into full eunice...
she starts nosing around in a box..
a box filled with funny images of women playing 'hog tied on the bed'...
and 'throw a bag over your head'.
the dr. walks in and looks like this..
which is to say...scary as fuck.
he tells her to lie on the bed and show him her mossy bank.
mossy bank?
*i was uncertain what he actually said here, but i could have sworn it was mossy bank. it makes no sense to me personally but it is so ridiculous and creepy i am keeping it.
maybe 'bank' because you make a 'deposit' of semen in it and 'mossy' because, duh, pubes?
anyway..
i cannot undo this image and now, neither can you..
the hooker with the heart of gold bites him on the arm and kicks him in the ding ding..
and then flees for her life.
i guess anyway..bc the next morning dr. science appears in sister eun's bedroom..
dr. science tries to cover her mossy bank..
but the devil is like no thank you..
and she/he rips its covers back off..
because mossy bank for everyone!
i'll take 2 tickets to the bun show please..
lana banana gets rewarded for good behavior after she ratted out kit for trying to escape.
the reward?
she not only gets to watch the caning of asses but she gets to pick the cane!!
but in an act of chivalry kit tells sister jude that grace is innocent.
let's now note that kit has given lana SEVERAL opportunities to recoginze he is not a murdery type but, like her..wrongly accused.
1. taking the blame for escaping so grace doesn't get caned.
2. hiding lana's notes bc no one would suspect he had them on him.
and probably some other shit too.
so..
kit takes 40 lashings and... the end.
this episode was disturbing and scary and i honestly can't believe that immediately after watching it we went into epsiode 3 and watched all of that...and then i SUPER can't believe that i slept like a champ after all of it.
i will recap that episdode over the weekend so that it's ready by monday.
but as for this one..
super scary yes?
discuss it.
