AHS season 2, episode 2. note to self: watching horror movies before bed is apparently the key to good sleep for me. who knew? also scary images within...run away from this horror show now!

i think most people know how un-normal i am-

but this is just perplexing..

 where most people would have been up for hours, clutching their buttholes so the poop didn't fall out after watching back to back episodes of american horror story...i slept like a baby.

for the first time in months.

go figure.

and, yes...that shit was scary.

especially last week's episode.

i was glued to my sofa under a blanket barely able to move.

thumbs up on the exorcism scene. 

fucking horrifying.

and the dr. science/dr. sadist scenes.

fucking james cromwell for fucking acting president.

sadly, now he will forever be that creepy dr. who stands over that woman and holds his pee pee while he tells her to show him her mossy bank*- S L O W L Y.

stuff of nightmares.

 ok let's begin..

last week..

 jennamegantatumfox running and screaming from bloody face.

adam levine hanging on to life by an arm a thread. 

bloody face stabs him in the chest with his weird stabby tool.. 

 i guess he's dead, maybe?

moving right long..

a gaggle of lesbians..

so awesome.

there are 2 amazing lesbians comforting lana banana's GF, wendy..

a sweet, prim lez and a husky, butch lez.

apparently there are all kinds of lesbians- thank you ryan murphy!

the husky lez is trying to "console" wendy, who is beside herself with grief and guilt for having lana locked up with a murderer...

i've been "consoled" like that...not by a lesbian but i am not giving up hope.

knock knock...

uh oh that might be a murderer at your door.

don't answe....oh.wait...just trick or treaters...

worst masks ever.

oops...wendy forgot it was halloween.

but it's not..these kids are just being assholes and trying to get candy early.

(no one does that in real life ryan murphy. just so you know.)

she sobs in horror at the thought of an elementary school teacher wo candy on halloween.

nothing that a joint, a shower with all the windows open and the antithesis of scary songs playing in the background can't fix.

and then yep, you guessed it.

bloody face guts her.

or at least we assume.

it is very probable that these people aren't dead but in some state of life hanging on by an arm a thread.

 (and now- no one's favorite...the creepy intro)

back at briarcliff it's a room raid with the usual nut cameos..(sounds like a seasonal chocolate)

pepper is hoarding bread.

lana is hoarding notes.

which is obviously way more punishable than bread hoarding or episode 1's shit slinging.

sister jude asks dr. science to give lana some calming and restorative electroshock therapy, he agrees bc that's his jam and they high five.

 electroshock therapy looks like good times.

wait!! are those gigantor marshmallows?!

dr. threadson/zach quinto is on the scene...

he looks like all the pictures i have of my dad in the early 60's. 

he is here to be the yang to sister jude's yin.

science vs. religion.

also he is here to evaluate kit.

after their talk dr. threadson decides kit is insane but also cute.

outside dr. science gives sister eunice a chinoiserie compost bin?...a decorative tin from pearl river?

oh...it's a candy apple.

because, duh.

theory- that apple is full of LSD and this season is all one big acid trip.

skrillex is watching it all go down from the window...

because foreshadowing.

elsewhere..

kit and french girl grace are conspiring to escape and lana overhears...

she is taking notes so she can remember in case there is more brain melting.. 

threadskin is talking to sister jude about the barbaric methods used at briarcliff..

she's like...well duh..it's a madhouse.

upstairs she meets some bumpkins who would describe their son, jed, as..umm...troubled..?

at the very least he is listless, moody...and doesn't get up for days.

so he has pms?

what other symptoms does he have?

lets see...

intense anger and lots of swearing? plus blood everywhere?

so hungry he could eat a horse-cow? 

 

super bummed he ate all of it?

yes.  total pms.

 everybody goes down to get a look at the boy with pms..

he is obviously 3 hours into his period.

down in the basement lana and grace are having a spa day..

 

 there is more escape talk.

taking kit...not taking kit.

nakedness. 

the view of the trees.

someone you love throwing you away forever.

also, tubs with covers. 

downstairs dr. science is peeling mrs. patmore's prized onions..

 in walks skrillex...

 

she talks about pleasuring her candy apple when she was 5 and her mother making her wear mittens to bed and then i shot myself in the face.

in any case dr. science thinks women are sluts in general, but 'speshly skrillex.  

 this is foreshadowing at its best, people.

a hot priest, a priest in a wheelchair, a nun and nerdy scientist walk into an exorcism...

oops...not yet.

up in the common room..

 lana and grace are doing more escape plotting.

with kit.  no! without kit. 

but it's exorcism night and that means everyone to bed early.

father eyebags is gearing up for an epic exorcism.

good thing he brought his wheelchair.

meanwhile..

it looks as though dr. science has a date..

with sister eunice a hooker that looks just like sister eunice.

unfortunately she starts up with the hooker talk but the dr. just wants a sweet and innocent ladyfriend to kill.

there is a knife threat, some roast beast carving, some wine snobbery and dance denying....

back over to you exorcism.

it's the devil everyone!!!

breaking out all his best impersonations such as:

dr. threadson's mother.

and keeper of everyone's secret hidden memories...

such as sister jude the jazzy nightclub singer..

who accidentaly ran over a little girl after too much booze and rejection..

jude freaks her freak and slaps the shit out of jed... 

father hotness and dr. threadskin run in and tear jude off of jed.

threadskin gives him a shot of the good shit and the lights go out.

literally. 

briarcliff manor is without power.

this OF COURSE opens all the doors so that everyone is free to roam around.

grace and lana run hand in hand down the hall to freedom...

jed is having a heart attack bc the devil is literally killing him..

kit runs into grace and lana and tries to get in on the escape..

lana says no..grace says no, fuck YOU... WE'RE leaving. 

which is exactly what i would do.

seriously..i would be so out of there and would not give 1 fuck about anyone coming with me.

but lana screams that the killer is escaping and poor kit turns around and gives her this face...

but she's just sooooo convinced he is the murderer who killed all those women.

and lesbians are the best women's activists that we have.

the guards proceed to beat the shit out of kit.

obviously.

jed's body is losing the battle with the devil..

just then sister eunice shows up...coveniently.

bc everyone knows sister eunice is the queen of the ninnies.

jed dies...

the cross on the wall falls..

and then..

the devil finds a new body to possess. 

sister eun, y'all.

which is really just too awesome for words.

upstairs the dr.'s hooker is wiping "that trashy makeup" off her face..

and getting into full eunice...

she starts nosing around in a box..

a box filled with funny images of women playing 'hog tied on the bed'...

and 'throw a bag over your head'.

the dr. walks in and looks like this..

which is to say...scary as fuck.

he tells her to lie on the bed and show him her mossy bank.

mossy bank?

*i was uncertain what he actually said here, but i could have sworn it was mossy bank.  it makes no sense to me personally but it is so ridiculous and creepy i am keeping it. 

maybe 'bank' because you make a 'deposit' of semen in it and 'mossy' because, duh, pubes?

anyway..

i cannot undo this image and now, neither can you..

the hooker with the heart of gold bites him on the arm and kicks him in the ding ding..

and then flees for her life.

i guess anyway..bc the next morning dr. science appears in sister eun's bedroom..

dr. science tries to cover her mossy bank..

but the devil is like no thank you..

and she/he rips its covers back off..

because mossy bank for everyone!

i'll take 2 tickets to the bun show please..

lana banana gets rewarded for good behavior after she ratted out kit for trying to escape.

the reward?

she not only gets to watch the caning of asses but she gets to pick the cane!!

but in an act of chivalry kit tells sister jude that grace is innocent.

let's now note that kit has given lana SEVERAL opportunities to recoginze he is not a murdery type but, like her..wrongly accused.

1. taking the blame for escaping so grace doesn't get caned.

2. hiding lana's notes bc no one would suspect he had them on him.

and probably some other shit too.

so..

kit takes 40 lashings and... the end.

this episode was disturbing and scary and i honestly can't believe that immediately after watching it we went into epsiode 3 and watched all of that...and then i SUPER can't believe that i slept like a champ after all of it.

i will recap that episdode over the weekend so that it's ready by monday.

but as for this one..

super scary yes?

discuss it.

 

grab your red negligee and your cabinet full of canes it's time for your ahs recap!

 

first things first...

as if for one second i believe that a girl that hot would EVER want to do it in the 'death chute'.  unless she is referring to her poop chute.  because i totally call my pooper the death chute. 

and hot girls are notorious for wanting to do it in their butts.

just ask my husband.  he seems to think all hot girls like it in the butt.

but that is not why i call my pooper the death chute.

i certainly do NOT like it in the butt, mine is named the death chute bc of what comes out of it.  obv.

and adam levine?  really?

until i saw him 'moisten the area' last night i was all...adam levine is a doucher with a whiny voice.

but now...i would totally let him moisten my area.

my area 51.

speaking of..

holy shit!

aliens?

i did NOT see that coming.

ok ok...

let's back up.

briarcliff manor present day...

adam levine is all.."she wiiiill be loooooved on this table".

meganfox/jennadewan (same person) is all "you can do it in my butt in the death chute (effectively death chute²) just as soon as you investigate that noise".

p.s. i used to live in an apartment building called briarcliff and it was built in 1900 and i am pretty sure i had tuberculosis for a minute when i lived there.  and i am certain it is where i first became a little bit insane.

and it was definitely the place i discovered i did NOT like it in my death chute.

all facts.  

anyway..blah blah blah adam levine gets his arm ripped off by something resembling a hand..

cut to 

a gas station in 1964.

tate season 1 is pumping gas that is 30 cents a gallon which was highway robbery apparently in 1964.

i am certain this is true bc as of this moment i cannot seem to locate a cents sign on my computer.

1964=stone age.

some asshole is obviously disgruntled by the obscene gas prices and throws his 3$ worth of gas on the ground.

after tate season 1..ok...KIT.  his name is kit but that name is so 1964-contrived i want to vomit comet in everyone's face.

anyway..after kit picks it up and dances away bc he is so blissfully happy with life that he doesn't give a shit that some asshole threw his money on the ground, the lights go out and i am all...here we go!!!

scary scary scary time!!

but then billy someone shows up and is all....hah ha!!  i got you!

the only thing scary about this scene is the fact that billy looks exactly like giovanni ribisi only he is not giovanni ribisi and that is scary bc he looks JUST FUCKING LIKE GIOVANNI RIBISI!!

seriously raise your hand if you were thinking that was giovanni ribisi in a giovanni ribisi mask.

anyway...bc it's 1964 there is bound to be some racial tension bc that is indeed a scary human reality that we are still living today and nothing pleases ryan murphy more than drawing parallels between present day horrors and olden time horrors.

so billy charms us all with his use of the 'n word' and we see kit flinch a little.

he then goes on to talk about kit's maid.

how can a gas station attendant afford a maid?

huh?

i'm so confused.

wait...there's more innuendo!!

there just so happens to be a piece of chocolate right next to billy and he takes a bite...looks at kit and says..

"mmmm...chocolate".

what does it mean?!

 the real horror so far is the fact that that chocolate is totally baking chocolate and baking chocolate is bullshit.

next up we see kit coming home and his "maid" aka new black wife, alma, waiting with a smile on her face.

 

only she is soooo not baking chocolate.  she isn't even milk chocolate!!  she is maaybe chocolate mousse if i squint.  

anyway...

they kiss, they talk about their marriage being legal and they haven't done anything wrong and they should go public with their love etc...

ahh....parallels.

1960's interracial marriage=present day gay marriage.

ryan murphy is trying to school some people.

i don't need so much convincing on the topic.

but hey, here's to hoping the idiots who actually believe that gay/interracial marriage is wrong are bright enough to see it too. 

anyway kit and alma proceed to do it.

after alma gets up to make her husband some dinner the light of a thousand suns comes beaming through every possible opening in the house...OBVIOUSLY this is billy ribisi.

only it's totally stick creatures with the power to suck everything up and out.

also they have probes. 'death chute' probes. 

alma screams "help me" and is gone.

kit gets his clothes ripped off and his death chute poked only not in a good way.

next we are introduced to craigslist psychic season 1 aka lana, a sassy, nosy, lesbian reporter clearly inspired by velma from scooby doo-

who is coming to taste some baked goods or something.

she is met by baby killing, pepper.

i would like to say i was freaked out by pepper's appearance but i know a pair of bubba teeth when i see them.

nice try ryan murphy.

that is actually jennifer lopez under there.

next we see sister jude (once again, brilliantly played by jessica lange) giving chloe sevigny a skrillex cut for being a slut.  

jessica lange has a way of playing a completely insane evil person that deep down you feel sorry for. 

there is always such a vulnerability with her performances.

oops!  in walks blubbering blundering sister eunice with lana banana.

if this weren't a modern day horror show set in the 60's i'd think this was an 80's sitcom set in the 60's.

although, i get the sense that at some point she is going to have the last laugh.

until scooby takes the mask off and we see that it's actually not sister eunice at all!!

it's violet!!

"and i'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling insane people!"

jude tells eunice to knock next time, sheesh!!

and eunice profoundly apologetic (too apologetic if you ask me- side eye to you eunice)exits only to RE-enter again...without knocking.  (cue laugh track)

seriously can someone re-cut this entire episdoe as a comedy?

anyway...this time eunice has some news!

apparently right now, downstairs they are bringing in the scary murderer who killed all those people and stole their faces off their heads or something.

lana banana perks right up and is all...ooooh, is that bloody face? can i talk to him?  i'd really like to ask him some questions.  

 the idea that lana is not actually there to eat jessica lange's pie is almost too much for her to take.

one gets the sense that jessica is conflicted by impure thoughts of fame and fortune and sex and stuff a lot. 

cut to kit being brought in as the scary bad man.

wait...so kit is bloody face?

oh...we don't really know WHO bloody face is?

ok..

time will tell.

i think it's kit though.

right?

anyway....good news! 

kit's butt.

thank you ryan murphy.

kit picked up where dylan mcdermott left off.

many women and gays thank you.

ok..blah blah kit gets a shower of flour and water.

someone's making dough?

then he goes to sleep courtesy of a big fat needle,

wakes up and gets his ass caned by sister jude.

after he wakes up from that mess he wanders around the looney common room where he meets grace, some wide eyed french girl who looks crazy in that girl interrupted angelina jolie way..which is to say not at all.

grace is to be his mentor at briarcliff.  

saying.."stick with me kid....i'll make sure you get food and cigs."

actually, no.  she doesn't say that.

and then BAM kit gets clocked in the face by kelly rippa's husband.

what?

random times a million.

kit is sent to solitary confinement because, duh!

upstairs in sister jude's room eunice is crying bc someone named willie is gone.

jude senses someone is up to no good...

and she barges in on dr. arden who likes plants and murdering people.

he is a scientist!!!

which means everything he does from this moment on will be backed up by the institution of science!!

dr. science is obviously killing patients and feeding the aliens out back with thier bloody, ground up remains.

totally science.

totally normal.

later we meet lana banana's girlfriend, wendy, who smokes pot and teaches school and is a lesbian!!

they seem to be a great couple. in a healthy relationship.  

supportive of one another and in love. 

but they're lesbians!!! 

not possible.

lana tells wendy that she has big plans to sneak into briarcliff to get an interview with bloody face.

it will put her on the map as a journalist.  

and wendy is totally supportive of this crazy idea bc there is no way that anything terrible will happen.

cut to sister jude'lia child whipping up a fancy coq au vin and perfuming her boobies while wearing a red slip.

for a second i thought this was some kind of daydream shit but then realized no...totally real.

and totally awesome.

so who is this magical dinner and scented boobie spectacle for?

not dr. science.

kit?

OH!!  joseph fiennes!

i totally get it.

i would be slutting it up under my habit too if the head priest looked like joseph fiennes.

 father o'hara is going on and on about becomming a cardinal in NY and making jude his mother superior.

blah blah blah..

jude is hearing none of it, instead she is fantazising about sitting on his fat, irish weiner.

who wouldn't be jude?  who wouldn't be?

meanwhile sister eunice is carrying some buckets filled with bloody stumps and eyeballs through the woods to feed the aliens.

lana banana is out there smoking a cigarette. what?  weird.

lana is like...wait a second!  what's out there? i hear growling. are those stumps and eyeballs in those buckets?

yeah, duh.  that's your cue stupid. 

meanwhile kit is eating sans hands in his cell and dr. science comes in to shoot up his neck with some sleepy time drugs.

this scene and the following scenes are interspersed with adam levine and megan dewan dealing with adam's unfortunate arm situation.

jenna fox is running down the death chute (that's what he said) looking for a way out and running into meat face.  bloody face.  whatever.

eunice and lana are also walking down the death chute.

lana is asking too many questions. 

eunice is a tad overwhelmed.

kelly ripa's husband flings dookie in her face which is obviously too much for eunice to handle so she leaves lana in the chute to fend for herself.

lana hears jude clippity clopping in her nun clogs down the hall and she pops into an empty cell.

after the coast is clear lana emerges to investigate the same door that ripped adam levine's arm off.

meanwhile dr. science is probing around kit's face and neck area and removes a motherfucking space spider.

the fuck?

back in jude's room..

eunice is blubbering about being stupid and she demands to be spanked.

only instead of jude's obviously small usual cane eunice takes it upon herself to get the biggest cane in the giant cane armoire.

i think she likes it.

this freaks jude out a little bit and she tells her to leave.

meanwhile...

lana wakes up strapped to a bed wondering what happenend...

 

she tells jude that they can't keep her there, people will come looking for her.

at this point we cut to jude visiting lana's girlfriend... 

 

essentially it breaks down like this:

jude: lana has had a bad accident and needs to stay with us for a really long time, don't even try to step in and save her you heathen.

wendy: but wait. i am her...umm...friend.. i have rights.

jude: um no.  you don't.  you are a homo and a school teacher and i can ruin you forever.

wendy: you suck dicks lady!  

jude: i wish.

meanwhile..

jude confronts lana with the news of wendy's consent to have her committed and proceeds to tell lana that together the two of them are going to pray the gay away.

cut to dr. science scrubbing away the funk in metal arm eating door room.

dr. science: (scrub scrub) oh hey nothing to see here.

jude: you're up to something you evolution loving jesus hater. 

at this point jenna megan has run into bloody face who is about to eat her face..

THE END.

i thought it was good, very good even. 

great acting, of course.

certainly engaging and creepy.

but scary?

no.

not even close.

i might have jumped when that creepy spiderchip scurried away, but that's bc i fucking hate spiders.

everything else was, meh.

fave bits:

jennifer lopez as pepper the baby killer.

jude's fantasy with father hotness.

the total fucking random casting of kelly ripa's husband as a gold toothed, shit slinging crazy.

lesbian characters front and center.

your thoughts??

sorry this took so long btw...i was at an audition for TWO HOURS today!

and it was an hour away in traffic.  uphill both ways.

asylum chic (it's a real thing)

what day is it today you say? 

it's american horror story day.

also known as american shit your pants day.

also an excuse for me to put some things together in a mood board and call it asylum chic.

bc i am a great asshole.

tonight on FX.

at 10:00.

look for your recap on friday. 

 

american stupid story

if you're asking me-

and you know that you are..

i say this finale was a healping pile of bull crap.

ESPECIALLY since i now know this:

With American Horror Story‘s first season resting in peace,  Ryan Murphy is turning his attention to the serial thriller’s second act.

The show’s cocreator confirms that Season 2 will be “radically different” from Season 1. That means a new setting/locale and a (mostly) new cast. 

“The second season of the show will [feature] a brand new home or building to haunt,” Murphy said in a conference call with reporters on Thursday. ”It will also have a new overriding theme.”

And in an unprecedented twist for an ongoing series, some current castmembers will return — but they’ll be playing new characters. (Murphy confirmed that current leads Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott will not be back, at least not as series regulars.) ”There will be familiar faces and some new faces,” said Murphy. “People that are coming back will be playing completely new characters… Getting to tell a different aspect of what an American horror story can be [every season] is fascinating.”

Murphy added that he’s currently in talks with a few members of the Season 1 cast to return full time, but he declined to name names. An official announcement about the new ensemble and storyline will be made in February. In the meantime, Murphy offered this tantalizing tease: “There’s a clue in the last three episodes where we say what the second season will be.”

hmmm...

ok.

i see that that could be interesting,

but like this last episode it means i could give two shits about what happens to these people.

to me, a series has characters that you either love or hate, but regardless of your feelings toward them, you CARE what happens to them.  when that is gone, so is my attention.

this finale had it's "oh shit" moments...but when it was all said and done..

i could have cared less.

it had me feeling like i was part of an experiement.

like i was a member of a test audience.

in a sense i guess we all were..

it was funny for 2 seconds to watch viv and ben "kill" each other but it was kind of also like watching an improv scene that was going really well, take a sudden turn for the worse with someone's use of the word 'pussyfart' thus making everyone cringe and want their money back.

(let me just say that i might know a little somethin' about that)

so with this idea that each season brings a new house and a new set of people it also brings with it the fact that at the end of each season you know that everyone is going to die?

where's the fun in that?

how do you successfully get there and still maintain a sense of tension and devotion and/or sympathy?

perhaps...and this may be wishful thinking, but perhaps IF someone like jessica lange came back to play a different character that was maybe the victim it would be like she was getting what was coming to her in a karmic/reincarnated kind of way..

that maybe these characters come back for a second chance as someone else and to hopefully redeem themselves..?

for example, ben comes back and gets cheated ON?

or is that too easy and stupid for words?

maybe ryan murphy just needs to come over here and run all of his ideas past me..

what are your thoughts on this?

either way...

i feel stupid discussing the finale in recap form, because...umm...WHO CARES??!!

i mean my first thought was, is 'mike the baby' viv and tate's?  or is it really ben and viv's?

will we ever know?

in any event that fucker murdered consuela with his tiny child hands and then smiled like he was jeff dahmer.

and what was all that end of days talk?

what about the pope's secret box? 

and what about constance's 4th child?

eh?

and all that business at the beginning..

why did we need to see ben pleading with viv to come see the house?

it was like going back bc you forgot your keys and then remembered that keys are dumb.

it just felt superfluous.

it was unexpected that ben was going to be murdered by hayden and her crew..

but now that i know the big payoff is just that they are finally happy together around their stupid christmas tree..

how did they get that tree anyway?

they can't leave MH and drive to home depot or anything.

anyway..lame payoff is what i am trying to say.

so this is where we all are..

viv and violet plead with ben to leave and try to give the baby a normal life somewhere..

ben wants to die and leave the baby with the sister.

ben gets his wish only the sister must have shown up and then bc no one was there was probably like..

"oh well.  see ya later" ???????

travis slashes hayden's throat and hands the baby to constance.

she then tells the cops that she thinks violet must have run off with the baby.

maybe this is what they told this sister too.

these cops are the dumbest worst cops in the world.

some latino couple buy the house.

viv's dog became a fraggle.

tate tries to kill the new kid.

the whole ghost gang work as a team to get rid of the new owners.

it is super dumb.

and very much like what it's like walking through the netherworld haunted house on halloween.

some more shit happens.

tate and ben discuss shit.

who cares.

constance gives an oscar worthy performance from the chair of a beauty salon..

something about her whole life leading up to this point.

what?

again...WHAT??

i mean i get what she's trying to say but it was all just leading up to basically nothing.

so. um. yeah.

there it is.

what did you all think?

marcy farts and thaddeus sharts,

ahs.

s.o.s

i am writing this from under my bed with constance's knife in one hand and gasoline and a match in the other.

(which makes writing very dificult)

nobody better come fucking with me or i will start swinging this thing and then set shit off like a chinese new year.

my blood pressure was through the roof while watching this episode and i definitely shit my pants.

 seriously..

i wasn't sure i could even recap it.

all i can think about is violet running around in circles trying to escape.

or burning child scalps.

or man made dog meat, if you know what i'm sayin..

or for fuck's sake dead violet in the basement with a party of flies in her mouth.

MODG was right.

i TOTALLY DIED MY GOAT'S TAINT OFF THIS WEEK.

 the proof is in the diaper my friends...

grab your baby wipes and your burn salve and let's get started..

1994.

 time for some crazy ass 1950's ham.

ham that tastes like pineapples and cigarette smoke and regret.

tate, constance, addy and larry are seated around the dinner table.

tate begins to say grace..

only instead of nice things he says things like..

thank you for this murdering asshole who is banging my mother.

so obviously this is just after larry's wife and children set themselves on fire.

larry don't care though.

he just wants his new family to come and see him sing in the chorus of brigadoon down at the local theater.

addy screams with excitement.

tate bangs the table in protest.

saying that this asshole is the guy that killed our brother.

constance is quick to point out that beau died in his sleep bc of respiratory problems.

and that tate was blessed with gifts he has yet to use.

whatever.

bc that was all just a set up for the next scene.

we FINALLY find out how larry became burny.

and that's the thing about tate.

one minute you're like this guy is a fucking psycho who needs to get what's coming to him.

and the next you're like...YAAAAY TATE!!!!!   

set that fucker on fire!!!

we see tate in his room preparing for some baby arm-sized coke lines.

once he's good an geeked he grabs about 40 guns and shoves them up his sleeves,

along with a big ol red can of gasoline.

he marches right into larry's place of work, throws some gas on his head and tosses a match on top.

KABOOM!

larry is now burny.

tate leaves now to obviously go kill his school.

thankfully they don't show this part again.

next up is viv with some freshly red'ed hair.

looks like someone got out for a minute and had her hair did.

ben comes in and apologizes for throwing major douche shade her way.

but then just diarrheas out...your babies have 2 different fathers.

jesus ben, prepare a girl for news like that.

viv makes the best grossed out freaked out combo face in the history of ever.

ben says he will have her out in a few days and back home.

viv says she won't go back to the house.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

obviously some time alone with her thoughts has served her well.

meanwhile constance is visited by 2 dectectives.

the 3 of them around the table looking like a veritable benetton ad.

one black, one asian-ish and one white.

they are showing constance pictures of travis in the hopes that she can identify him.

constance confirms that it's him and then asks who would do something like that to poor, sweet travis?

she then asks what he was doing in the COLORED section of town?

oh constance.

strike 1.

constance truly don't give a single fuck about anything.

over at murder house..a truant officer appears to check on the whereabouts of one violet harmon who has been absent from school for 16 days.

this coupled with the blowflies in a bowl of NOT decomposing apples comfirms our fears that 

violet is most likely dead.

next we see violet who maybe isn't dead but is probably dead and we are looking at her ghost sitting in her room listening to music.

ben knocks and comes in saying he is sorry for being such a bag of dicks.

he says she needs her to go back to school.

she says she can't.

ruh roh.

like don't wanna can't?

or like dead can't?

he tells her she has to meet him half way.

she agrees.

next constance is over at burny's.

she is telling him all about trav and then decides to chef's knife him in the neck.

she accuses him of killing her manly boyfriend.

he tells her that the house did it, basically.

or the ghosts inside it.

she gets super excited..

saying, "he died in the house??!!?!?!"

she's outta there faster than the results of a beiber paternity test.

but not before she belittles him with "travis was TWICE the man you are"..

larry follows with, "he is now".

nice burn, burny.

meanwhile tate pleads with violet to stay home from school one more day.

and in my heart of hearts i know this is bc he cares for violet.

bc he doesn't want her to figure out she's dead.

bc basically she CAN'T leave for school.

she can't leave period.

across the street constance returns home to see benetton cops outside her door.

some more racist jokes are made, this time hiroshima.

she is an equal opportunity racist.

her chef's knife falls out of her purse.

next we see constance down at the station being interrogated about all kinds of shit.

her husband and maid, moira still missing..

she claims they ran off down to mexico.

but what she really means is she buried moira in the back yard and dragged her husband down the stairs

(clearly not lacking upper body strength)

stuffed him in the meat grinder and fed him to the dog.

word.

some young new guy lawyer type tells constance they want to pin the murder on her.

oh the irony.

obviously this is the ONLY person she DIDN'T murder.

back at M.H.

the bug guy shows up to find the source of the blowflies.

whilst crawling around in the crawlspace he is giving himself the eye of the tiger speech, then comes up on a 

buttload of flies..

a-ha!!

he peers over the edge of a big ass hole and screams!

tate jumps out, says something stupid and shoves the end of the bug guy's spray hose into his mouth and pulls the trigger.

sheesh.

what a way to go.

but i guess now he knows how bugs feel.

upstairs ben is on the phone, calling private schools for girls..

when he sees a creepy reflection of tate in a photograph and turns around suddenly.

only no one is there.

next tate rushes up to the attic to play some chess.

as you do.

he tells violet that her dad is going to send her away.

down in the basement burny is digging up travis's bloody clothes..

he runs into travis.

he says he wants to get rid of the evidence.

travis doesn't understand.

he asks about being famous..

then hears some little girl voices.

and fuck me in my face there are some smoking, burned children girls sitting around a table having tea.

burny is sad.

they're his daughters.

and wife.

he looks at his wife and says he is going to make constance pay for what she did to his family.

and his wife is all...she didn't break any vows. YOU did asshole.

back upstairs ben is, thankfully, in the shower.

tate blasts through in full rubber.

they proceed to work each other over.

it is totally violently super gay and super hot. 

i am surprised that tate is winning here.

is it bc he is a ghost and is fighting with ghost like strength or is tate just ridiculously tall and strong?

or is ben just really short?

you were all wondering this too, right?

anyway..

ben ends up de-masking him, scooby style,

and screams for violet.

seems inappropriate.

wouldn't you have sliced his fucking head off instead?

too late.

tate essentially twists ben's head and tells him to sleep it out.

UGH.

the next bit is just too much.

maybe it's bc i have a daughter and i am full of the pms, but this was sooo sad to me.

tate finds violet again and tells them that it's too late they need to commit suicide so they can be together forever..

violet feigns agreement.

she tells him ok, but let's do it in the tub with candles.

tate says ok but they have to hurry.

while he goes off to get shit ready..

she runs away screaming for her dad..

"he's trying to kill me!!!"

only as she is trying to escape the house she just continues to run around in circles, 

exiting and entering over and over again.

it is disturbing.

maybe the most disturbing of all to me so far.

it's like she gets it but doesn't get it and it sucks.

tate tells her to follow him.

she does.

he leads her to the crawlspace..

where she sees her body...

motherfuck.

so yep.

she DID die from the overdose.

tate tried to save her but couldn't.

he thought that if violet chose to die with him via suicide that she wouldn't be so sad.

still though..

MOTHERFUCK!

over in prison larry confesses to the murder...

constance shows up to throw some c u next tuesday his way..

all he wants is for her to admit to loving him once, 

she can't.  and doesn't pretend to either.

i love her.

jessica lange kills it every time.

the end.

and here we are..

only 2 episodes left.

thoughts...

  

my apple of anguish

some of you assholes want recaps from me.

in fact a few of you have taken the time from your day to actually email me personally and demand the recaps.

i want to do recaps for you.

but sometimes life comes first...

things like swishing oil around your mouth and googling the pros and cons.

things like cyber monday and sticking lights in a jar and calling it christmas.

things like painting paintings for clients and hating them and painting over them and then crying bc i feel like an elephant painting with her trunk.

that takes T I M E.

recaps also take time.

and that is time that no one is paying me for.

and sometimes only 4 of you comment on my recaps.

four.

i am like that pretty girl up there.

don't make me get all my fucking glitter make-up on and my cowgirl costume and my spray tan and destroy the ozone layer with my use of AquaNet for 4 comments..

pony up bitches.

i work hard for my paid-in-beer comments.

and thank you a lot to the 4 of you that consistently comment.

you are the wind beneath my farts.

so some of you probably already watched last night's epsiode..

i don't watch til thursday.

 so a recap of last night's show will be tomorrow.

unless there are only 4 comments.

then i will cry into my tea with constance.

here is last week's recap..

1. 

this episode was heavy.

2 of my biggest life fears were hit upon..

a. everyone thinking i am crazy and admitting me to the looney bin instead of just recognizing i am having a hard time and maybe needing a little xanax throughout the day and possibly a hug.

it was at this point that i reeaally wanted ben to die HARD. (without clothes on)

and

b. my own daughter not defending me and turning on me.  like a stab through the heart with a knife dipped in poison. 

i'll take a rubber suit raping over that any day.

so...

this episode we learned rubber suit was actually tate.

he was my #2.

my number 1 was of course sexual chocolate, but that was more fantasy than anything.

so yeah..tate.

it's so shakespearian.

if shakespeare were from the south.

in tate's defense he really didn't know violet so well yet as the harmon's just moved in.

he felt sorry for nora that's all.

she was like, gimme my baby.

and he was all..ok, let me go make one for you.

that mom lady upstairs is horny all the time she will totes do it with me in a rubber suit.

no one will be the wiser.

speaking of rubber suits..

we also learn the origin of the rubber suit.

chad (zachary quinto) is having a leisurly lunch at everyone's favorite outdoor cafe

telling some woman that his boyfriend is into S&M.

who isn't?..says she..

go with it she says.

chad is now in a very well appointed sex shop and somewhere in the universe is something called the apple of anguish. 

i guess it's something you stick up your butt that hurts real hard.

chad buys the rubber suit instead.

his loss.

he then goes home and tries to seduce his boyfriend.

blah blah blah all i seee at this point is more man butt.

that thing is juicy.

then nora and crayden are plotting to make viv crazy and steal her babies.

at this point i should mention that the time frame in this episode was all over the place and that confused me.

crayden starts fucking with viv by breaking shit.

rubber tate almost kills chad in the apple bobbing bucket,

beats the shit out of cowboy patrick and then drags his ass downstairs to firepoke his butt to death.

nora comes downstairs and says that this is so wrong.

it TOTALLY IS NORA!

rubber tate is like yeah, but, now a new family will move in and maybe they will have some babies.

wait.

back up.

HE BEAT HIS ASS TO DEATH AND THEN SHOVED A FIRE POKER IN HIS GLORY HOLE UNTIL IT BLED!

this happened on your tv.

my eyes fell out of my head and went to the phone and dialed a suicide hotline.

ben and violet have some words.

old moira is in the kitchen telling vivian she's not crazy.

and that guys are assholes and will try to fingerbang you if you start giving them side eyes.

she recounts the origin of the word hysteria and tells her how men invented this word as a way to 

help them understand periods.

sidenote:  this is totally true btw.

women are awesome.

we are intuitive and we are emotional and we bleed out of our pee bug once a month and this is scary to dudes.

bc they are the total opposite and they don't understand it so they try to fix it like a flat tire.

a long time ago when men were REAL dumb they would lock us up or burn us at the stake.

now they just roll their eyes and ask us if we are perioding. 

walk away men...

just walk. away.

anyway..

old moira also tells viv that the shit that's happening inside the house is actually happening.

viv races to wake violet and tells her they are going to aunt jo's.

once inside the car a couple of ghosts are hanging out in the back seat.

both viv and vi see them and run back inside the house.

they see ben and ben does his annoying psycho-diagnosing that makes viv want to "bash his goddamn face in".

duh.

she tells ben about the ghosts and then turns to violet to defend her..

and then..

well..

my heart sinks. 

later violet and tate are basking in the glow of "intense" teenage sex.

in the basement crayden tries to get on tate's vertical stick.

tate's like no, i just had sex and i'm in love.

the next day marcy comes over and viv steals her gun.

later that night viv is getting ready for sex bed, wearing a super sexy nightie.

i believe in ghosts a lot more than i believe anyone would wear that to sleep in.

she starts hearing shit.

grabs the gun.

ben walks in.

she shoots him.

he gives her a valium.

she has crazy valium dreams.

the police and sexy chocolate come over.

they go upstairs.

viv starts freaking out more.

bonafide crazy this time.

but who can blame her.

ghosts are fucking with her and she's pregnant and she just shot her husband by accident and

no one believes her. 

yes.

i would be crazy too.

ANDSOWOULDYOUGODDAMITTT!!!!!

ben has her committed.

not cool ben.

soooooo not cool.

violet says nothing in her defense.

not cool violet.

soooooo not cool.

after the long slo mo walk down the stairs to the "hospital"..

viv tells us that while she is SUPER dissapointed in her asshole family she is relieved to be getting out of the house.

downstairs tate and moira are discussing the almost dead lovers in the basement..

tate uses the gun and blows patrick's face off..

chad reaches over to grab patrick's hand and then tate blows his ass apart too.

heavy shit ya'll.

heavy shit.

so what do we think?

how do we feel about all the homophobia going on?  fire poker butt raping?  too much for tv?

can we discuss the fact that the kid who plays tate is really carrying some heavy storylines..and doing it VERY well?

what about the women are just crazy references?

speak your minds..

the future of these recaps depends on it..