AHS recap- the scooby doobies vs. the yogi yahooeys

i'm not sure what happened to this show these last few episodes but it feels like a whole lotta diarrhea coming out of everyone's faces. 

either that or it's another installment of the scooby doo laff a lympics.    

so there's one more episode left and it appears that all we will gain is the knowledge of the new supreme. and at this point i don't care a fuck. 

i had this thought that made me want to run, screaming, with an axe in my hand at ryan murphy's pinched little face, that thought was that all 5 of these bitches are going to be equal supremes.  and that i cannot have. 

the best part about this episode was the opening scene. 

i thought it was clever and inventive and super fucking weird.  it was the only thing that made sense. 

at least we understand what the 7 wonders are.   i think?  it was in latin and looked like a hispter music video but i still think i got the gist of what was going on.  

i'm going to see if i can't  (can?)  try and understand what the rest of the episode was trying to tell me….

first of all..CORDELIA'SEYESHOLYMOTHEROFASS!!!!   they look like freshly peeled clementines.  what a dumb fuck.  who gouges out there own eyes just so they can see the truth?!   but hey, looks like it worked.  job well done dumbass.  i'm finally starting to see fiona's frustration with this one.   at any rate…this regained "sight" is just the plot point we all needed to find out that fiona planned on killing everyone and leaving town for her last 2 weeks on earth.   

speaking of fiona..she's dead. hahaha!! nice try writers. here's to hoping she comes back half alligator half witch.  with this season's writing i wouldn't be surprised if she comes back as sharknado. 

papa smizurf comes back again as all 3 ghosts from a christmas carol.  am i getting that right?   

delphine.  ummmm….huh?  let me see if i have this correct:   delphine is sporting a "lady from maine" haircut, and working as tour guide in her old house.  no..wait.  no she's chopping marie leveau up into pieces.  no…wait.  no.  she's on a tour in her old house wearing a thelma-and-louise-style getaway disguise.   no… wait…she's in the attic again with her family.  BUT HOLD ON!!!!   MARIE'S THERE AND SHE'S NOT HACKED INTO PIECES ANYMORE!!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?! 

so in an effort to help us understand all of this queenie does some 2, 2, 2 bodies in one- sesame street shit and is transported back to the chicken shack.   papa smizurf is there to tell queenie that she's dead. but then she snaps to and says no, i'm too strong for this now lets have some cocoa with mini marshmallows and talk about what you can do for me. 

and that would be the power to kill delphine?!

i have the least amount of points in this game of understanding. 

can someone please roll more of that chicks in bonnets footage?

at this point i am fully expecting cordelia's orange peel eyes to pop out and be magic 8 balls.   

cordelia visits the axeman to warn him of her vision of fiona.  seriously?  FUCK THE AXEMAN!  he's an axeman!  who gives a shit about his feelings!?

but of course it's important that he know because chop chop! 

here's what i wanna know…fiona can throw up a hand and choke out queenie with her mind but when her boyfriend is choking her out she can't stop that shit with a nose twitch?  i mean samantha stevens could have done it in her damn sleep.  tabitha could have mastered it in utero.  but nooooooo, fiona is helpless in his arms.  *cough *cough bullshit. 

well, at least i can count on none of these women actually being dead.  not fiona, not delphine, not marie, not nan..no one.  in fact i am fully expecting some next level  monster shit and i will have it no other way.   i want fiona to come back with an alligator head, i want nan to come back as the creature from the black lagoon, i want marie to come back as jackee from 227,  and i want delphine to come back as a dolphin with black babies for arms mainly because autocorrect keeps changing 'delphine' to 'dolphin' and 'black babies for arms'  is just straight up awesome. 

perhaps my other favorite scene of the night was misty beating the shit out of madison.  pure awesome.  

a few minutes later the axeman arrives with fiona's blood all over him.  madison chops him with his own axe. and the rest of the girls conjure knives and stab him a gajillion times.   so is he officially dead?  how the fuck should i know?!  nothing is consistent in AHS-land.  and nothing makes a whole lot of sense. 

so, next week we find out who the supreme is.  here's to hoping it's kyle. 

or nene.

thoughts?  if you have any.  which you probably don't.  

AHS- smack my bitch up

where do i begin? 

this episode served up some aileen wuornos level beatdowns.

and 2 blonde witches twirled the shit out of some twirls.  

also god of gods?  

please let me age like angela basset. 

what is her GD secret?  

BUT...

 this episode left me a little confused in a lot of places.  

what it lacked in plot points that made sense it made up for in plot points that made no sense. 

EXACTLY! 

see below:

fiona brings marie a cup of strrooooong tea and says i will put a spell on you for sleep and marie acts like she feels bad for being so weak and vulnerable.  

why is marie suddenly all cool with everything.  but whatever, it's early. i'll forgive. 

marie is awakened by the shadow man from the princess and the frog..  

and we find out that she owes this guy a something or other for something he gave her. her fucking gorgeous skin no doubt. yeah, pay the piper missy.  that ain't right. 

what she owes him, apparently, is a baby. 

she sneaks into a hospital, steals a baby and then makes PMS face and the 2 security cops blow each other's heads off.  

sweet trick. 

i could see this trick being useful in a number of instances. 

mainly and most obviously, when 2 dudes with guns are trying to kill you.

but, what about in the grocery store when it's really busy?  in this case carts=guns.  

later marie, cordelia and fiona are sitting around watching the news about hank and cordelia acts like her brain is blind instead of her eyes.

when did cordelia get so dumb?

marie explains that she hired him because he was a witch hunter.  

fiona evidently is feeling the monumental stupidity on foxy's part and marches over and slaps the ever-loving shit out of her head. 

fiona also explains that they need to find the hive. 

mini stevie is doing some twirls and shit when fiona comes in and explains what the supreme power is all about.

she marches her downstairs to where the white witch herself is hanging out..NBD!

mini stevie faints lisa vanderpump style. 

then big stevie high-5's fiona and starts singing rhiannon at the piano. 

mini stevie is in the corner touching herself.

fiona is doing exactly what i would be doing if stevie nicks was playing the piano in my living room, reclining in a chair after smoking some powerful-ass weed.  (you know she did).

zoe, madison and nan come in and madison asks when eminem gets there.  fiona gives a "marshall?  you're not his type.  but more importantly, you aren't the suuupreeeeme". 

misty and stevie do some simultaneous twirling and away she goes. 

nan practices some mind control on madison.  cigarette in vagina. 

another AWESOME power to have. 

madison is convinced she's the supreme and not misty so they will settle it with a supreme off.   of course they are. 

cordelia finds the delphi hive. 

cordelia wants to help. fiona screams at her and calls her hopeless and worthless. 

i suspect this is to actually protect her.  at least i hope so. 

there is some adorable mouse sacrificing, hecate conjuring, chanting and more fainting. 

delphi is infiltrated by some fbi agents. 

madison and nan go to the hospital to visit luke, only he's dead. 

nan cries. 

fiona explains to marie that the cancer is growing stronger as the new supreme's powers grow stronger. 

marie tells fiona that she sold her soul to papa legba (shadow man) who took her baby for eternal life.  she of course wants to take it back but can't. 

traditional new orleans funeral parade in procession that misty and madison are following.   

madison wants to show misty that she's just as powerfu…

she gets her to give up her shawl and misty considers it for a second and then 

she gives misty a 1-2 punch with a brick and she falls in the casket. 

misty needs to visit the wizard for some brains. 

nan and zoe go to visit luke's mom who has cremated her son. nan thinks she killed luke with a pillow so she makes her drink bleach. 

what a monumental waste of patti lupone.  seriously why kill her, bring her back only to kill her again?!

aunt myrtle is playing a theramin. i saw one on yo gabba gabba once and thought to myself…those things have no real place in this world. 

cordelia has an EPIC temper tantrum, throwing potted plants all over the place while myrtle continues cranking out tunes on her robot box.  best scene of the night. 

over at delphi, hank's dad zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..oops.  fell asleep. 

meanwhile fiona is setting up lines on a hand mirror and conjuring papa smizurf. 

she tells him she wants to live bc she is the queen of the witches. he don give a wet donkey shittabout da titul.  she wants life everlasting.  no aging, no decrepitude.

she provides services on 1 night a year. for example: would you cripple your daughter?  UM NO!!!!  murder an innocent?  someone you love?  YEAH, NO!!!!!

but fiona's like…DONE! seal it!

but then papa is like…the deal is off.  because you have nothing to sell. you have no soul.  

she does some blow and says fuck it…i'll just kill everyone.

meanwhile nan hears something. 

and at this point i think as far as who the supreme is is anybody's game. 

nan finds the baby. 

so they drown her in the bath tub.   i am fed up with this show. 

snicks is playing some more piano for a weepy fiona.   this shit is cheesier than a goat's crusty udders.  

it's so cheesy it's the opposite of the 1933 wisconsin milk strike. 

this whole episode had me scratching my head.  the last thing i remember is fiona maybe wanting the coven to come together to defeat the witch hunters.  and that cordelia and fiona were mending things.  now she wants to kill everyone. myrtle was cordelia's favorite and now she's a theramin playing nut job.  also myrtle was more than likely hiding something.  delphine's head was delivered in a box and queenie got shot.  where is spalding?

ok, so i thought this was the season finale but obviously it's not.  there are 3 more episodes left i think?

my vote is this is officially the worst season yet. 

i feel like this show is given a different writer and director every week.  some weeks it's great and others it feels like a totally different show.  

thoughts?

i mean, it would seem misty is the supreme at this point but no real proof of that yet.  i suspect they are just throwing everyone off the scent and it's really, actually that twat zoe.  

and where the hell was KYLE?!

recaps

thank you all who left me birthday wishes!  

it was a great birthday.

very UN-birthday like.

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those nails were something else.

it was like i was edward scissorhands.

i couldn't do anything for myself that involved the use of my hands.

pee?

nope.

but they sure looked good. 

the commercial was for a thing called decluttr.

which i think is some kind of organizing software.

maybe.

there will be print ads too so you can tear them out of magazines and throw darts at them or create a carrie mathison style abu nazir tack board.

go get those magic markers and prepare for your color-coded meltdown, haters.

now, on to AHS...

i thought this week's episode was pretty good. 

campy as hell but enjoyable. 

i think i have myrtle's zingers to thank for this. 

queenie is murdering for marie. 

stealing hearts to make her a better witch.

and i don't care about this story. 

fiona wants to live out her days with her boyfriend but not til she finds out who the new supreme is. 

cordelia is still angry and hates her mom's stuffing. 

gross, who puts raisins in stuffing?!

i find it hard to believe that fiona would ever put raisins in stuffing. 

apples, maybe....but raisins?

fiona doesn't strike me as a raisins type of witch. 

myrtle is FOR SURE a raisins type of witch.

kyle is playing with a leap pad for toddlers.

he grunts and kisses a lot and manages to figure out how to tell zoe he loves her thanks to dora the explorer. 

madison is jealous.

guess she can feel sadness and jealously.

myrtle manages to pull herself out of the dirt in enough time to tell misty that there's a man outside the cabin with a gun.

later the two of them flee to roblahblah's and cordelia has a hot flash while touching misty and offers her protection. 

patti lupone gives luke an enema. (so so fucking wrong)

later she gets shot to death by the gunman.

cordelia touches the silver bullet and realizes who it is.

or does she?

i was confused.

i mean we all know it's hank but does she?

nan rushes over because she can sense that luke is in trouble. 

and here is where i want to change my mind and declare nan the supreme.

honestly i think it's either nan or cordelia. 

 nan was at the house when madison caught those curtains on fire...so maybe it was nan and NOT madison. 

neither one of them really knew what happened.

they assumed it was madison, right?

also, she opened the door with her mind. 

did you catch that shit?

AND!!

in the beginning it was fiona who told all the girls that nan was "smarter than all of us".

but then when luke got shot up nan was begging for supreme powers so i guess if she was the supreme she would have been able to find them to save her boo. 

or it's cordelia and i'm not sure why i feel this but i think she is a viable option.

or it's stupid zoe.

downstairs the witches in la isla bonita costumes, are doing some kind of sacred ceremony to hasten fiona's death.

they trick her into suicide. 

fiona is ready to go to sleep forever because she foreshadowed her future and she looks like gollum.

but then spalding comes in and is like...no! you can't die. 

you've been lied to!

so he shoves some ipecac syrup down her throat and she voms.

FOR THE 400TH TIME THIS EPISODE!

while they wait for the sleeping pills to work myrtle plays the piano.

 they talk about how they will know when the supreme powers come on..

myrt says, "i hear it starts as a tingle in the cooch".

best line ever. 

fiona wearing a grey garden's turban marches in and lights a cig with her powers.

and basically says..sorry bitches you're gonna have to do better than that. 

and over at marie's queenie is feeding delphine still in a cage.

marie comes in and shuts that shit down.

delphine remarks that she isn't afraid of marie anymore bc there's nothing she can do to her.

she begs to be locked back in the box and marie chops off her hand.

a while later fiona and cordelia are bonding over coffee when a doorbell rings.

there's a big box on the stoop and fiona brings it inside, opens it to find delphine's head.

perfectly alive and hissing..."HEELLLP!!".

it would appear in next week's episode that the witches come together..

both within the coven and with the voodoo bitches.

thoughts?

so help me god if kyle gets zoe pregnant and in some kind of twilight renesme type of speeded up pregnancy zoe gives birth to the supreme i will personally gather up some silver bullets and shoot ryan murphy in the butthole.

right after i give him a clorox enema. 

AHS- the saxeman cumeth

things have gotten CW on us again.

i think the vampire diaries is scarier than this mess.

yesterday i was working hard to finish up commissions before the holidays and by 5:00 i would have rather folded laundry than recap this show.

so i didn't.

even fiona goode herself didn't inspire me this week to break out the photobooth- video mode. 

let alone the lipstick and old dominion.

but i promised recaps and a recap you shall have..

begrudgingly. 

kyle's singing the most beautiful song ever written...toto's rosanna.

i was like...why this song?

it's going to come back later in the episode as something that jars his memory.

but nope.

totally random. 

anyway..he's singing in a tattoo parlor with all his rapey frat bros and they are all getting tats (a shamrock and some chinese characters- SO fratty) except for kyle. 

who aspires to do something with his life and a tattoo just isn't part of the plan.

also- this episode confirmed that we are post katrina.

there go any dreams of katrina coming and wiping the asses of all the rif raf. 

back in present day frankenkyle is chained up in the conservatory and notices a shamrock tattoo on his arm and some dumb ass chinese characters on his ankle.

so now he knows his body parts aren't his own?

zoe comes in and tries to re-kill him with a gun.

only he grabs it and then she tries to tackle him for it and then the gun goes off killing a window instead.

THIS STORYLINE IS SO WEAK!

meanwhile..

madison is giving us voiceover

about how shitty the world of the undead is.

she can't "feel" anything.

except how shitty the afterlife is. 

in the kitchen queenie is hongraaaay!

delphine mentions she hongray too so queenie takes them to get some fast food- burgers, fries and some strawberry cylones.

they talk in the car like BFFs and delphine tells queenie that her white sisters don't like her so much bc she's black.

i'd like this scene a lot more if they didn't try to slam a burgeoning friendship down my throat in the most predictable way ever.

seriously?

2 big girls bonding over food?

cordelia wakes to a call from hank who has all the guns.

cordelia gets out of bed and madison stops her from falling down the stairs causing cordelia to "see" fiona murdering madison.

no surprise there.

saxeman and fiona are hanging out in what i thought was his apartment and i was all..

seriously? he has the same apartment filled with all of his things?

then we see a dead dude in the bath tub and i am all..

OOOHHH!!  of course.

it's his place. 

me=not smart.

anyway..the saxeman is seducing fiona and it works.

she loses more hair.

meanwhile..

zoe is using flashcards to educate kyle on basic words such as bed, bath and...beyond?

bed sends him over the edge because...mom. 

madison enters all slinky like and they bond over being sort of dead.

over at cornrow city queenie pays marie a visit.

queenie is curious and marie explains that her white witch sisters don't have her back.

queenie disagrees.

marie tells queenie to switch sides.

and to bring delphine with her. 

also there is a box of fish heads.

back at school cordelia has become my grandmother, drinking during the day and swearing.

she tells zoe that if she is the new supreme she can be sure that fiona aims to kill her.

so they should kill her first. 

something about dead, all dead, super dead. 

zoe marches down the hall back to her bedroom and there's frankekyle banging madison against a wall, with his frankendingdong.

hope she felt that. 

back at saxeman's, the second weirdest plot turn of the night comes in the form of saxey telling fiona that he's been haunting her her whole life.

didn't see that coming.

not exactly the sexiest come on of all time.

up in the attic..

spald is wearing a sexy lime green kimono and talking.

wait!! what?

yes talking!!

so zoe found a gross tongue in a box.

she put 2 and 2 together and put a spell on that thing and shoved it back into spald's mouth where it wriggled it's way in and settled into the grooves of his existing stump tongue and then all the truth came out.

zoe asks him who killed madison and he screams "fiiioooooonnnnaaaa".

and then she stabs him.

rude. 

why does everyone hate spalding so much?

i am sad about it really.

i hope misty finds him.

down in the kitchen delphine is carving a ham and offers some to queenie.

queenie asks her about the worst thing she's ever done.

basically she killed a baby.

yeah, pretty fucking horrible.

she explains to Q that it was a different time, a different world. 

and you ask yourself..

can you forgive a murdering racist?

can you?

pretty deep crap really.

this is MY favorite storyline by far.

and i like that they are going there.

fiona pops more pills and tries to shave her head.

i would have appreciated it if smith jerrod showed up to do it for her. 

and in the first weirdest plot turn of the night..

zoe, kyle, madison 3-way. 

did not see that coming either.

but as with most of this episode it just felt like a different show.

didn't it?

like...who let this writer/director in?

and then finally, in the saddest-betrayal-of-a-new-friendship portion of the show,

queenie delivers delphine in a sweet tiger sweatshirt to marie.

who locks her up in a phone booth-coffin and proceeds to cut out something.

marie uses the blood to smear all over her (gorgeous) face. 

the end.

ok, so...i obviously didn't like this episode so much.

but i do think the most powerful story here is the one about delphine and her forming a friendship and bond with the one person she would never have ever formed a bond with.

kathy bates plays is SO well.

evil, disgusting murdering racist AND i made mistakes and i'm learning reformed racist.

because you have good in you heart you feel bad that queenie betrayed her.

but here's the thing..

the racist part..

well, i think racism comes from a place of ignorance mostly, rather than just pure evil.

MOSTLY!  there are some evil fuckers out there for sure.

but the murdering part...well...that indicates a totally messed up, sick mind...

does that shit ever go away?!

discuss..

AHS season 2, episode 2. note to self: watching horror movies before bed is apparently the key to good sleep for me. who knew? also scary images within...run away from this horror show now!

i think most people know how un-normal i am-

but this is just perplexing..

 where most people would have been up for hours, clutching their buttholes so the poop didn't fall out after watching back to back episodes of american horror story...i slept like a baby.

for the first time in months.

go figure.

and, yes...that shit was scary.

especially last week's episode.

i was glued to my sofa under a blanket barely able to move.

thumbs up on the exorcism scene. 

fucking horrifying.

and the dr. science/dr. sadist scenes.

fucking james cromwell for fucking acting president.

sadly, now he will forever be that creepy dr. who stands over that woman and holds his pee pee while he tells her to show him her mossy bank*- S L O W L Y.

stuff of nightmares.

 ok let's begin..

last week..

 jennamegantatumfox running and screaming from bloody face.

adam levine hanging on to life by an arm a thread. 

bloody face stabs him in the chest with his weird stabby tool.. 

 i guess he's dead, maybe?

moving right long..

a gaggle of lesbians..

so awesome.

there are 2 amazing lesbians comforting lana banana's GF, wendy..

a sweet, prim lez and a husky, butch lez.

apparently there are all kinds of lesbians- thank you ryan murphy!

the husky lez is trying to "console" wendy, who is beside herself with grief and guilt for having lana locked up with a murderer...

i've been "consoled" like that...not by a lesbian but i am not giving up hope.

knock knock...

uh oh that might be a murderer at your door.

don't answe....oh.wait...just trick or treaters...

worst masks ever.

oops...wendy forgot it was halloween.

but it's not..these kids are just being assholes and trying to get candy early.

(no one does that in real life ryan murphy. just so you know.)

she sobs in horror at the thought of an elementary school teacher wo candy on halloween.

nothing that a joint, a shower with all the windows open and the antithesis of scary songs playing in the background can't fix.

and then yep, you guessed it.

bloody face guts her.

or at least we assume.

it is very probable that these people aren't dead but in some state of life hanging on by an arm a thread.

 (and now- no one's favorite...the creepy intro)

back at briarcliff it's a room raid with the usual nut cameos..(sounds like a seasonal chocolate)

pepper is hoarding bread.

lana is hoarding notes.

which is obviously way more punishable than bread hoarding or episode 1's shit slinging.

sister jude asks dr. science to give lana some calming and restorative electroshock therapy, he agrees bc that's his jam and they high five.

 electroshock therapy looks like good times.

wait!! are those gigantor marshmallows?!

dr. threadson/zach quinto is on the scene...

he looks like all the pictures i have of my dad in the early 60's. 

he is here to be the yang to sister jude's yin.

science vs. religion.

also he is here to evaluate kit.

after their talk dr. threadson decides kit is insane but also cute.

outside dr. science gives sister eunice a chinoiserie compost bin?...a decorative tin from pearl river?

oh...it's a candy apple.

because, duh.

theory- that apple is full of LSD and this season is all one big acid trip.

skrillex is watching it all go down from the window...

because foreshadowing.

elsewhere..

kit and french girl grace are conspiring to escape and lana overhears...

she is taking notes so she can remember in case there is more brain melting.. 

threadskin is talking to sister jude about the barbaric methods used at briarcliff..

she's like...well duh..it's a madhouse.

upstairs she meets some bumpkins who would describe their son, jed, as..umm...troubled..?

at the very least he is listless, moody...and doesn't get up for days.

so he has pms?

what other symptoms does he have?

lets see...

intense anger and lots of swearing? plus blood everywhere?

so hungry he could eat a horse-cow? 

 

super bummed he ate all of it?

yes.  total pms.

 everybody goes down to get a look at the boy with pms..

he is obviously 3 hours into his period.

down in the basement lana and grace are having a spa day..

 

 there is more escape talk.

taking kit...not taking kit.

nakedness. 

the view of the trees.

someone you love throwing you away forever.

also, tubs with covers. 

downstairs dr. science is peeling mrs. patmore's prized onions..

 in walks skrillex...

 

she talks about pleasuring her candy apple when she was 5 and her mother making her wear mittens to bed and then i shot myself in the face.

in any case dr. science thinks women are sluts in general, but 'speshly skrillex.  

 this is foreshadowing at its best, people.

a hot priest, a priest in a wheelchair, a nun and nerdy scientist walk into an exorcism...

oops...not yet.

up in the common room..

 lana and grace are doing more escape plotting.

with kit.  no! without kit. 

but it's exorcism night and that means everyone to bed early.

father eyebags is gearing up for an epic exorcism.

good thing he brought his wheelchair.

meanwhile..

it looks as though dr. science has a date..

with sister eunice a hooker that looks just like sister eunice.

unfortunately she starts up with the hooker talk but the dr. just wants a sweet and innocent ladyfriend to kill.

there is a knife threat, some roast beast carving, some wine snobbery and dance denying....

back over to you exorcism.

it's the devil everyone!!!

breaking out all his best impersonations such as:

dr. threadson's mother.

and keeper of everyone's secret hidden memories...

such as sister jude the jazzy nightclub singer..

who accidentaly ran over a little girl after too much booze and rejection..

jude freaks her freak and slaps the shit out of jed... 

father hotness and dr. threadskin run in and tear jude off of jed.

threadskin gives him a shot of the good shit and the lights go out.

literally. 

briarcliff manor is without power.

this OF COURSE opens all the doors so that everyone is free to roam around.

grace and lana run hand in hand down the hall to freedom...

jed is having a heart attack bc the devil is literally killing him..

kit runs into grace and lana and tries to get in on the escape..

lana says no..grace says no, fuck YOU... WE'RE leaving. 

which is exactly what i would do.

seriously..i would be so out of there and would not give 1 fuck about anyone coming with me.

but lana screams that the killer is escaping and poor kit turns around and gives her this face...

but she's just sooooo convinced he is the murderer who killed all those women.

and lesbians are the best women's activists that we have.

the guards proceed to beat the shit out of kit.

obviously.

jed's body is losing the battle with the devil..

just then sister eunice shows up...coveniently.

bc everyone knows sister eunice is the queen of the ninnies.

jed dies...

the cross on the wall falls..

and then..

the devil finds a new body to possess. 

sister eun, y'all.

which is really just too awesome for words.

upstairs the dr.'s hooker is wiping "that trashy makeup" off her face..

and getting into full eunice...

she starts nosing around in a box..

a box filled with funny images of women playing 'hog tied on the bed'...

and 'throw a bag over your head'.

the dr. walks in and looks like this..

which is to say...scary as fuck.

he tells her to lie on the bed and show him her mossy bank.

mossy bank?

*i was uncertain what he actually said here, but i could have sworn it was mossy bank.  it makes no sense to me personally but it is so ridiculous and creepy i am keeping it. 

maybe 'bank' because you make a 'deposit' of semen in it and 'mossy' because, duh, pubes?

anyway..

i cannot undo this image and now, neither can you..

the hooker with the heart of gold bites him on the arm and kicks him in the ding ding..

and then flees for her life.

i guess anyway..bc the next morning dr. science appears in sister eun's bedroom..

dr. science tries to cover her mossy bank..

but the devil is like no thank you..

and she/he rips its covers back off..

because mossy bank for everyone!

i'll take 2 tickets to the bun show please..

lana banana gets rewarded for good behavior after she ratted out kit for trying to escape.

the reward?

she not only gets to watch the caning of asses but she gets to pick the cane!!

but in an act of chivalry kit tells sister jude that grace is innocent.

let's now note that kit has given lana SEVERAL opportunities to recoginze he is not a murdery type but, like her..wrongly accused.

1. taking the blame for escaping so grace doesn't get caned.

2. hiding lana's notes bc no one would suspect he had them on him.

and probably some other shit too.

so..

kit takes 40 lashings and... the end.

this episode was disturbing and scary and i honestly can't believe that immediately after watching it we went into epsiode 3 and watched all of that...and then i SUPER can't believe that i slept like a champ after all of it.

i will recap that episdode over the weekend so that it's ready by monday.

but as for this one..

super scary yes?

discuss it.

 

american stupid story

if you're asking me-

and you know that you are..

i say this finale was a healping pile of bull crap.

ESPECIALLY since i now know this:

With American Horror Story‘s first season resting in peace,  Ryan Murphy is turning his attention to the serial thriller’s second act.

The show’s cocreator confirms that Season 2 will be “radically different” from Season 1. That means a new setting/locale and a (mostly) new cast. 

“The second season of the show will [feature] a brand new home or building to haunt,” Murphy said in a conference call with reporters on Thursday. ”It will also have a new overriding theme.”

And in an unprecedented twist for an ongoing series, some current castmembers will return — but they’ll be playing new characters. (Murphy confirmed that current leads Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott will not be back, at least not as series regulars.) ”There will be familiar faces and some new faces,” said Murphy. “People that are coming back will be playing completely new characters… Getting to tell a different aspect of what an American horror story can be [every season] is fascinating.”

Murphy added that he’s currently in talks with a few members of the Season 1 cast to return full time, but he declined to name names. An official announcement about the new ensemble and storyline will be made in February. In the meantime, Murphy offered this tantalizing tease: “There’s a clue in the last three episodes where we say what the second season will be.”

hmmm...

ok.

i see that that could be interesting,

but like this last episode it means i could give two shits about what happens to these people.

to me, a series has characters that you either love or hate, but regardless of your feelings toward them, you CARE what happens to them.  when that is gone, so is my attention.

this finale had it's "oh shit" moments...but when it was all said and done..

i could have cared less.

it had me feeling like i was part of an experiement.

like i was a member of a test audience.

in a sense i guess we all were..

it was funny for 2 seconds to watch viv and ben "kill" each other but it was kind of also like watching an improv scene that was going really well, take a sudden turn for the worse with someone's use of the word 'pussyfart' thus making everyone cringe and want their money back.

(let me just say that i might know a little somethin' about that)

so with this idea that each season brings a new house and a new set of people it also brings with it the fact that at the end of each season you know that everyone is going to die?

where's the fun in that?

how do you successfully get there and still maintain a sense of tension and devotion and/or sympathy?

perhaps...and this may be wishful thinking, but perhaps IF someone like jessica lange came back to play a different character that was maybe the victim it would be like she was getting what was coming to her in a karmic/reincarnated kind of way..

that maybe these characters come back for a second chance as someone else and to hopefully redeem themselves..?

for example, ben comes back and gets cheated ON?

or is that too easy and stupid for words?

maybe ryan murphy just needs to come over here and run all of his ideas past me..

what are your thoughts on this?

either way...

i feel stupid discussing the finale in recap form, because...umm...WHO CARES??!!

i mean my first thought was, is 'mike the baby' viv and tate's?  or is it really ben and viv's?

will we ever know?

in any event that fucker murdered consuela with his tiny child hands and then smiled like he was jeff dahmer.

and what was all that end of days talk?

what about the pope's secret box? 

and what about constance's 4th child?

eh?

and all that business at the beginning..

why did we need to see ben pleading with viv to come see the house?

it was like going back bc you forgot your keys and then remembered that keys are dumb.

it just felt superfluous.

it was unexpected that ben was going to be murdered by hayden and her crew..

but now that i know the big payoff is just that they are finally happy together around their stupid christmas tree..

how did they get that tree anyway?

they can't leave MH and drive to home depot or anything.

anyway..lame payoff is what i am trying to say.

so this is where we all are..

viv and violet plead with ben to leave and try to give the baby a normal life somewhere..

ben wants to die and leave the baby with the sister.

ben gets his wish only the sister must have shown up and then bc no one was there was probably like..

"oh well.  see ya later" ???????

travis slashes hayden's throat and hands the baby to constance.

she then tells the cops that she thinks violet must have run off with the baby.

maybe this is what they told this sister too.

these cops are the dumbest worst cops in the world.

some latino couple buy the house.

viv's dog became a fraggle.

tate tries to kill the new kid.

the whole ghost gang work as a team to get rid of the new owners.

it is super dumb.

and very much like what it's like walking through the netherworld haunted house on halloween.

some more shit happens.

tate and ben discuss shit.

who cares.

constance gives an oscar worthy performance from the chair of a beauty salon..

something about her whole life leading up to this point.

what?

again...WHAT??

i mean i get what she's trying to say but it was all just leading up to basically nothing.

so. um. yeah.

there it is.

what did you all think?

marcy farts and thaddeus sharts,