i was expecting more from christmastime at downton.
those snowy images i kept seeing all over the internet were misleading mr. julian fellowes.
christmas lasted 5 minutes then jumped to new years then to a murder trial then to a dog search party then to some hunting then to a snow twirling proposal then to credits.
wait..this whole episode was kind of a letdown.
i am confused by my emotions right now.
i mean i was crying right along with anna when she was going to leave downton.
i was happy to not have to endure more sybil/branson dumbness.
i was moved in a way that only the waltons circa 1980 could move me when daisy realized she loved william and william was the only one who ever really loved her.
and then again moved to tears when william's dad asked to be her dad too.
but the matthew and mary part..
THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT OF THIS SHOW..
was like...huh??
i mean, who doesn't love a snowy twirl?
but..it was a bit anticlimactic if you ask me mr. julian fellowes.
the kiss should have at least made me moist in my unders.
but it didn't.
and i could have done without the rosamund/boyfriend/maid bit.
who cares about that?
no one. that's who.
and i actually felt sorry for carlisle.
he loved mary. he just didn't know how to be cool about it.
he was too possesive and couldn't handle an aloof woman like mary.
plus he looks like this in real life.
so..
i will commence the recap but you should know mr. julian fellowes that next season i won't stand for any more bullshit.
no shark jumping canadian burn victims.
no ouija boards signifying nothing.
no one calling mrs. patmore fat.
unless you called her mrs. fatmore. that would have been hilarious.
i'm kidding, i'm kidding!
seriously that writer needs to be put down like a lame horse.
and..
no more dogs locked in sheds.
etc..
don't get me wrong...
i still LOVED it.
let's go!!
it's christmastime!!
look at the pretty tree with LIGHTS!
it's almost 1920!
the fashions have changed and you can collectively hear all the women shouting.."FUCK YOU SLEEVES!!"
in wintertime no less.
that's so ballsy!
and stupid.
i live in the south where our winters top out at 50 degrees and i am wearing 8 sweaters under my bathrobe all day long.
so while these bitches feign warmth, the servants stand in a line waiting for their gifts.
who planned this condescending shit out?
called forth like they were receiving an award for best cot making abilities.
and
nothing says season finale better than introducing a new storyline and character..
aunt rosamund is at downton for the holidays (but not sybil. weird) and she's brought her sassy mouth new maid..
ms. shaw.
who starts right in with the bates put-downs.
(them's fightin' words!)
and putting ideas into daisy's pea brain about a promotion.
upstairs the gift giving is a bit more civil..albeit still weird..
everyone stands around and opens presents.
stands?
and no where near the tree?
what is wrong with 1919 england?
the DC receives a nutcracker from cousin isobel and matthew.
haha..i get it.
an edwardian gag gift, right?
no???!
then she should have beaten cousin isobel in the eyeball with it.
this whole episode tried to slam down our throats that matthew and mary are sooo right for each other..
while carlisle and mary are soooo not right for each other.
i mean carlisle was lurking in a corner seething with jealousy in virtually every shot.
next up was christmas dinner.
in comes carson with absent sybil's favorite flambe...
downstairs christmas fun means talking to the dead via a ouija board..
while upstairs charades are all the rage..
"charades is gay".
and somewhere not so very christmasy is mr. bates.
sitting in jail wrongfully (or is he??) accused of murdering his wife and awaiting his fate..
i made up a special t-shirt for the occasion...
later on lord grantham confides in carson that he is uncomfortable with the idea of thomas as his new valet..
next day has harry dunn aka anthony strallan visiting the countess only surprise...
edith is there too.
that crazy countess just wants everyone to be happy.
over in the gloomy gray jail...
anna tells bates not to count his busted up chickens before they hatch.
aka you haven't been convicted yet!
let's wait and see how your awesome friends and BFF lord grantham come to your defense in the courtroom by NOT telling the judges about all that mrs. bates murder talk that went down a while back.
later lord hepworth or whoever the fuck he is..the "fortune hunter" intended for rosamund, shows up for new year's eve and secret maid nooners.
sybil's pregnant!
4, 3, 2, 1....
happy new year!!!!!
upstairs it's champagne and more standing.
dowstairs it's more oiuja and wine.
these edwardians are NUTS!!!!
oops...the golden agers? the roaring 20's-ers?
new years day is all about the hunt.
and while sir dick wants nothing more than to strap mary to his gun..
it's matthew who gets her for the first drive.
pretty.
there is a dick carlisle/dick cheney parallel here for sure.
edith pays a visit to sir anthony.
oh edith.
LOOK at that poor bastard.
perfect for edith in every way.
daisy feels she needs to tell william's father that she didn't love william in that way and he's like...
you did though. what you did for him was love. even if you don't see it.
and he loved you.
and she's like..
oh yeaaah!!!
you're right.
and then i cried.
getting on mary's nerves.
a lovely hunt lunch in a barn.
stable?
the DC tries to get to the bottom of this "fortune hunter's" intentions.
"i'm warning you...if you don't marry me soon i will stick it in your butt on our wedding night".
"mary...i won't penetrate your butt. ever!"
sorry.
it had to be said.
later..
cora tells LG all about mary's powerful turk killing pussy.
and then it's time for bates's trial.
and this is where shit just gets ri DIC u LOUS!
it's like everyone was given a dram (old time word) of truth serum or something!
first obrien spills the beans..
"h e..h a a d..a...s c r a t c h....o n...h i s...(murderer)...eeeyyyye..."
then mrs. hughes...
no better...
"h e....c a l l e d....h e r r r....a a a a....b i t c h h h...flaargg..blaah blleeep"
then finally...
lord grantham for the save!!
but then BAM!!!!
" h e....s a i d d d...i....w i s h....t h a t t t....b i t c h...w a s s s..d e a a a d d d...bleeepity blap blorp"
GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU'RE GOING TO HANG AND YOUR HEAD WILL POP OFF AND YOUR EYEBALLS WILL POP OUT AND YOU WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND YOU WILL DIIIEEEEE!!
then once they get their heads out of their asses they gather in a pub to talk about getting the convicition changed to life in prison instead of death.
which is sooooo much better.
and then more truth..
lord grantham tells mary he knows all about mr. pamuk and he doesn't care.
there's already scandal.
let them be the kardashians of 1920.
"go bring home a cowboy from the middle west!"
score!
mary gets a trip to new york and a sexy cowboy lover.
elsewhere..
thomas locks isis in a shed.
anna visits bates in jail for what appears to be the last time.
even the cockblocking guard thinks this whole thing is the sadz.
mrs. patmore's had enough with the ouija and daisy's reluctance to go visit poor william's dad at the farm..
she pretends the board is william telling daisy to go to the farm.
and since daisy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, she believes it.
the hunt for isis is on..
anna tells carson and mrs. hughes that she is leaving downton..
and mary tells matthew about pamuk..
while somewhat hurt and resentful..
mary's cooter is just. too. powerfullllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!
thomas is sweating the fact that he might have killed isis.
and over at the farm..
william's dad tells daisy all about how all of his kids had died and he is all alone and could daisy be his daughter
and i was crying the ugliest cry you've ever seen.
somehow thomas manages to convince lord grantham that he is to be trusted..
when clearly is the worst human being and should never be trusted.
i'm telling you those pajama collars are choking the sense out of lord grantham.
anna asks mary if she can go to new york with her.
spin off, spin off!!!
lord G tells carson that maybe thomas can see him naked afterall..
even carson's like..
whaaat?
and then in the SADDEST scene of all all ALL times..
anna tells mrs. hughes goodbye and mrs. hughes tells anna that she is essentially the house maid equivalent of a rock star..
it's so heartfelt and sad and i cry a little just looking at these pictures.
you are too!!!! i see you!
in the library mary tells dick so long..
matthew comes in and it doesn't take long before dick plays the lavinia card (matthew and mary's kryptonite for being together) and then punches are thrown.
no one wins bc LG comes in with WORDS to break it up.
stop this at once?
really?
with all of dick's vitriol i thought for sure he would try to break matthew's weiner.
this time for good.
anyway...see ya later dick!
good riddance you dirty plot line obstacle/conflict.
then later there is some good news..
bates got a repreive.
he will get to play the rest of his days out in a gloomy prison.
but at least he's alive!
(tell that to a prisoner. i'm sure you would get shanked)
anna visits bates to deliver this t-shirt i had made special...
everyone's going to be wearing it next season.
withOUT sleeves thankyouverymuch.
time for the servant's ball!!!
where unlikey duos dance the night away and drink from the same bottle.
what a great opportunity to get your fuck on with a maid..
anna, who has been doing some lurking of her own this episode, spies lord herp derp and rosamund's self righteous maid doin it in probably william's deathbed.
rosamund don't really give a shit.
she's just pissed her mom was right.
i can say with experience on both ends of that spectrum that that is indeed accurate.
and for what i can only guess is segue purposes..
anna and daisy are in the basement playing with that confounded ouija again.
this time it says it hopes they are happy.
who? daisy and anna?
bates and anna?
matthew and mary?
daisy and her new dad?
isis and LG?
cora and LG?
lord herp derp and the maid?
WHOOO???
perhaps.
all of them.
sniff sniff
and then finally...
in a magical freezing world...
where sleeves aren't needed..
and no one can see your breath bc you are too pure and lovely to have breath..
it finally happened..
matthew proposed!
and sealed it with..
the stiffest, most un-passionate, most stagey gross i am kissing my brother kiss that was ever seen in all of the land.
THE END.
let's talk.
how did you feel about it?
what do you want to see next season?
what do you NOT want to see next season?
and for your viewing pleasure..
i give you..
the DC's bestest lines.
with special appearances by cousin isobel, dick carlisle and matthew..
