worst recap ever

i watched this whole episode with a side eye...

that's not real!

that's not real!!

thaaat's NOT REAL!

 

fuck man.

i don't know what's real anymore.

 

actually this is real..

supersonic gay.

 

come to think of it...those bikes are props too.

 

i will leave this recap up to you..

 

1.

DID jeff foot the bill for those 50 thousand dollar floors?

were they even 50 thousand dollars?

 

 

2.

what kind of shampoo and conditioner do you think ross uses?

cuz i need it.

 

3. 

was shannon factor an illusion?

sent from hollywood, dru style?

 

 

4.

did you know that i am going to make this cake tomorrow and then eat a good bit of it?

lemon pound cake

 

 

5. 

MLB has a day named after him.

 

that's neat.

 

it's thundering outside right now.

 

 

6.

i thought mary's tent was pretty.

in fact she should decorate all hollywood tent parties.

unless it's a nathan indian tent party.

 

7.

i suspect the only reason nathan was on this show was because of mary.

 

 

 

8.

it is 3:40 pm right now.

 

9. 

there is wine in a glass next to my hand. 

every few seconds i take a sip.

 

10.

wingardium leviosa

 

 

11.

assholes.

 

 

12.

didn't you get a happy, warm feeling when jackleen drank the champagne?

i want a jackleen.

 

 

13.

charlene=liza minelli

 

 

14.

i would have been happier if this scene went down shirtless.

 

 

15.

i think this book is pretty lame.

 

 

16.

this used to be my favorite tv show.

 

 

17.

million dollar best friends!!!!!!!!!

 

 

are we done?

 

 

 

glitter shame,

 

million dollar buttholes

it's hot as fuck.

summer is my sad season.

everyone else is frolicking on beaches and enjoying cool drinks in moderately hot climes (that word is dumb- never ever use it) by the pool.  

i am stuck inside bc the air outside is like poison fire in my lungs and i have been warned by news persons 

that should i go outside i might die.

for real.

summer is a dick.

but i had to spend a good portion of the day in the car with broken windows.

so i had to inhale heat fire mixed with car pollution.

volatile.

i think i am dead.

 

 

this post is late for all of those reasons and more.

 

once again this show focused on the boring shit and not enough on the interesting shit..

like mary and nathan eating BBQ...

or k ire getting drunk and passing out by the pool.

and what we didn't see...

which was kathryn eating a pool boy, godzilla style, with her mouth. (and vagina)

 

 

on to the recap.

 

get ready to be bored mostly.. 

 

 

first up glowy and kathryn discuss shopping for lights and stuff..

this scene managed to make me want mcdonalds .

 

 

nathan makes a frankenstein couch..

 

 

 and he can't have no frankenstein couch at high point.

 

 

r u asleep yet?

 

 

meanwhile mary works in a CIA bunker..

 

 she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..

they are trying to find the french word for spider.

cuz her lamp looks like a spider.

duh.

what's french for botox?

 

 la chirurgie plastique 

 

aka scarelarious.

 

 

meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..

 

 

nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..

hotels are gross in general btw.

even the nice ones.

wait...this one was nice wasn't it?

or was it?

i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.

(p.s. they didn't stay here)

 

 

 

back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..

wait..

what?

oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.

i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.

 

let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...

who's got a scythe?

 

so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.

no..really.

look:

it's a janice dickinson table.

 

but it's too small for a coffee table.

 

 fiona prolly coulda told em that..

 

 

back at high point..

NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL!!!!

 

newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!

i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.

anyway..

newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.

 

and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..

 

over this couch:

which was totally not the best couch.

 

 

 

 back in palm springs..

martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?

 

but kathryn's all..

pool fuckers!

with a side of food and liquor.

 

6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..

as an aside..

martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..

it's called:

delicious

the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate,  and jizz.

 

 

soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..

 

no shit it's good, mary.

 

 

once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.

 

AND SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!

 

NO...ALIVE!!!!

 

 

 

but i'm pretty sure 30 years have past.

 

rumplekathskin.

 

 

million dollar dum-dums recap

frankly i'd rather talk about my ghost poops than recap this show. 

why?  bc this shit is about as exciting as watching that dick casey anthony go free.

btw ghost poops are a phenomenon where i take a poop, wipe,  then stand to inspect the specimens in the toilet only to find an empty bowl.  no trace of the poop to be found.

this is happening more and more frequently..

mysterious.  and decidedly not awesome.  it's like someone stealing your baby.  

 

ok ok…i'm done.

 

where was i?

 

oh right.

 

no where.

 

 

rather than take you on a boring ass play by play journey of this dumb show i will try to nutshell this bitch up. 

 

k'ire is navigating around her bedroom trying to pack for london where she will decorate the country home of her ex boyfriend..

 

weird.

 

 

jackleen is creeping around the house like she's hiding something..

 

 

k'ire gives jackleen a pair of leather pants.

 

i have given some (jealous) thought to what jackleen's day probs looks like:

 

cooks, drinks, eats, cooks, cleans up its mess, sits in the courtyard smoking cigarettes,

maybe it does a load of laundry, drinks, takes what it wants, reads a paper in french, smokes, eats, cooks something, 

tries on kathryn's clothes and jewelry, smokes, eats, counts its scarves, drinks and cooks dinner for the family, 

drinks and smokes some more and then passes out on the floor of its bedroom.

 

actually it sounds an awful lot like my real life day.

 

 

 

 

jeff is whining about the floors not being right for another restaurant.

 

total dick!!! 

 

jeff sneaks behind ross's back and demos the floor right the fuck out of there.

then tries to sell the restaurant owner on 50k oak planks.

 

 

 i'd like to say the owner punched him in the face, but i guess civilized people don't do that.

 

 

 

MLB shops in london for a one kings lane tastemaker tag sale.

which was today, acutally.

cool to see all the things he picked out in the shops on the OKL site.

also awesome to see rich people buying shit that is worth half or less than what they actually payed.

 

 

dumblarious.

 

 

mary and larry show up at "dru's" house..

here we are to believe that this dru person lives in this totally staged house with its totally staged furniture and the totally staged homeowner is in need of decorating and that mary is conflicted about taking a job from a crazy person just for the money..

 

well guess what...

this shit ain't real.

 

i have it on high authority (my street smarts) that dru is acutally an actor paid to tell you that she loves the way the carpet meets the floors and the ugly windows and that she wants a gym in the middle of her living room...

she's dru alright.

 

dru mouser..

actress.

 

foiled andy cohen!!!!!

 

your stupid fruit bouquet/phone call realness was no match for my street smarts!

 

 

back in the english countryside (my happy place)..

k'ire is hoping to get some action from her ex boyfriend/client..

 

 

uuuummmmm...

your call...

 

 

 

fart out,

million dollar douchers...

 

here we are!!

after a day of computerless angst..

your recap is unearthed.

like the dead,

or kathryn's design coordinator..

 

here is k'ire talking to her design coordinator..

 

aka, joey ramone..

 

(joey ramone aka kathryn's design coordinator)


..that she is the boss and everyone has to put everything past her, not shannon factor the glow worm.

 

then...

martyn shows up

oops..

 

i mean martyn shows up

FUCK!!

 

i mean martyn shows up

sonofanass!!!

 

i mean MARTYN LAWRENCE BULLARD

 

shows up at daisy fuentes' house to make it less ugly.

 

 she loves cuba and wants a picture of it on her wall.

 

 

 

no beardy, not that cuba..

 

this one:

not so delicious.

more like dumblicious.

 

across town at a restaurant..

ross and jeff fightin' 'bout some lamps...

"peck a fooking lamp JAM!"

 

ross gets so mad he pulls his hair into a ponytail!!!

ponytails mean bizness.

 

 

 martyn's at the print shop gettin that ugly poster..

 

 

nathan and susan from one king's lane are about to throw a party with some shit they got in india..

 "shoppin for some shit in india is fun when you can resell it in america for millions!"

 

at k'ire's.. 

jacqueline rocks our faces off again.

 "stressed? we all stressed! i am stressed...pppfff"

just look at that tremendous outfit.

head scarf- check!

white blouse- check!

throat brooch- check!

crazy- check! check! check!

i love her a lot lot.

 

 

 martyn shops for more ugly shit..

 

 

 

back at JAM's ..

there is tension..

forrest gump hides in the butler's pantry, processing decisions:

 

somewhere on the beach..

kathryn is mad.

glowy is ecto'ing everywhere..

 *throws hands in frustration*

 

*glows with the hateshine of a million suns*

 

 

martyn reveals some beige hotel shit...

 

 

nathan preps his pretty party..

 

kathryn hires a superhero..

*architects mean bizness*

 

 

back at the house of tight butts and processing..

jeff is thinkin about sumthin..

actually it's a sad attempt at revenge by threatening rossjenny with hiring an "intern" which is gay decorator code for "someone to give me bj's".

(sidenote- my name is jenny and my brother's name is ross)

 

 

time for everyone to go to nate's party!!

mary looks gorgeous. even if her face barely moves.

seriously she's actually laughing hysterically here. 

 

 

jeff: you wanna be my beej friend?

cater-waiter: no. you're older than my dad.

 

yeah, that's about all we get at the party.

jeff creeping out some guy while we all cringe and cover our ears and eyes screaming "MAKE IT STOP!!"..

mary gets a henna tattoo. 

kathryn does a weird and awesome lightbulb dance..

 

 

and then all of a sudden we're back at JAM's where we get to watch them take a bubble bath..

* i love sconces and to bounce your balls on the top of my foot underwater, they're so buoyant!*

 

i promise you andy cohen no one wants to see real life bubble baths..

we didn't want to see that OC skank and her steriody boyfriend in the tub either..

franky i am scarred for life after that one. 

yes, ross is hot..and i am all for a little shirtless hot gay dude once in a while..

but i feel like i am being forced to watch this against my will.

 

honestly i actually kind of love every single one of these decorators..

except jeff.  he gets on my damn nerves. 

but this show is just super boring.

 

thoughts??

 

 

 

 

million dollar D bags.

 holy buttnuts.

save save save!!

that was me whilst writing this dumb recap.

whilst.

whilst whilst.

 

 

here we go:

this week was a real nail biter.

mary almost died bc her hat lady poster was still at the framers.

ross was not gay for 10 seconds.

i finally have a term for the style of decorating i love most:

"LA english".

silly me was calling it "boho traditional".

 

 

 

we open up with mary & her client, jill roberts..

"LA english house"

mary is there to decorate the shit out of jill's spare room

and turn it into a zig zaggy office with art and glamour stuff.

 

 and then..

martyn and tamara mellon been friends since we were 16.

 

martyn is there to put some shoes on display and for terrace decoration..

 

there is a rams head table and a lot of botox..

 

ross and jeff.

ross is turning 32 ish.

can we talk about how much jeff grosses me out and how ross is slowly becoming my favoritey fave?

 

 

 

 

kathryn is finally at glowy's beach house...

ok…let me back up.

 

see if FARTSPACE hadn't deleted my post last week you would know that 'glowy' is my name for that curly headed max factor bitch.  her skin weirds me out bc it glows and not in a dewy cute way but in an ectoplasm way- therefore she is 'glowy'. and she is wormy so sometimes she is 'glow worm'. 

anyway…

glowy's beach house is terrible tuscan..

 

kathryn finds it extraordinary how much bad taste is out there.. me too kathryn…me too.

 

glowy starts doling out the design direction.

kathryn says let me do my fucking job you waxy freak.

 

 

mary and larry (nancy) bout to paint an 8000 dollar chevron floor...

 

 

 

 back at the house of wax..

 

glowy and kathryn are picking out fabrics and ecto is acting like a total ectoplasmic glow worm..

 

 

over at LA english..

 

mary loves the chev jill hates it. but if we know anything about this show we know that mary is always right. 

 

meanwhile..

jeff gets cooking lessons..

who cares.

 

 

martyn surveys the shoe boxes...

that shit don't work.

 

 

and then NAAATHAN!!!!yaaaynathanmorenathan!!

mary is shopping his store.

mary is pointing at shit.

nathan is being cute.

and then poof!

nathan is gone.

 

mary leaves and goes to gay bruce jenner's store.  actually his name is benbo.  which is always going to be a gay shop owner or a dog name.

period.

 

no pictures of him but trust me when i say he looks like this:

 

 

and  then

k ire is showing glowy her design boards.  glowy is spewing her ectohate all over everything.  but k ire is good with the fabrics.  i concur.  

 

 

jeff is busy not busy setting up for ross's party at some one's malibu beach pad. 

in this one scene it is clear to me that jeff marks is probably a little mentally challenged. 

like forrest gump.

ross=jenny

demetra=bubba

MFAMB=cap'n dan

martyn=box of chocolates

 

pretty. 

 

 

martyn installs the choo boxes..

shoes in boxes is dumb.

 

 

ross party...

kathryn shows up in a booby dress and ross reveals his penis wants to enjoy boob sex with kathryn.

full disclosure: i want to see that.

 

 

 

mary is installing jill's office..

the art hasn't arrived.  

don't care.

 

 

oops the art arrives.  whatever it's a poster.

jill loves the office.

i love the curtains. 

 

 

next week ross eats jeffrey.

glowy flies into a light and sticks to it.

kathryn has sex with her fabric.