the truth is i mostly wanted to punch this episode in it's cold, stiff, unyielding mound.
i thought it was all over the place and full of...."she's a witch..why didn't she do this?!" or "zoe killed a pack of zombies last week...she can't take down anthony bourdain's axe-wielding brother with her hand?!"
that said there were definite creepy moments and a handful of plot turns and shit.
and praise white witch yeezus..
THIS is happening!
so without further adoo doo in your voo doo..
let's recap:
the axeman is chopping people up in 1919 new orleans and that shit really happened.
also he likes jazz and he will chop you up on a tuesday if you aren't playing it in your home.
i would've been so axed because jazz is the worst.
in the house of roblahblah, a front and center meryl streep kid is all..
" we must not be thee docile or thee axeman will get thee and haven't we suffered enough with this thee women suffrage in thine lace collar club?"
what is this a 5th grade chekov play?
but then when the axeman actually comes because FUCK jazz..
the lace collar club stabs the shit out of him.
back to present day and zoe is going through madison's things..
vodka, gun, rubbers etc..
when an old bottle guides the way into a closet full of photographs and a spirit board.
bottles are the easiest way for ghosts to point us in the direction of what we need to see don't you know.
if i were a ghost (and i am) i would pick the board up and be all.."here dummy".
zoe serves up some absinthe to go along with the spirit summoning.
queenie knows a thing or two about spirit boards and is like you don't know shit about this shit.
"contact and release" is the name of the game.
and don't release what..you..contact....or..something.
meanwhile fiona is getting her chemo on and she has somehow developed the power of hearing thoughts.
she gives us another career performance here.
i did this scene a few times and it was so melodramatic awful i was like..people are gonna think i am trying to get a part in something.
so i nixed it.
sorry.
there wasn't a lot of fiona juice this week.
girl was broke down and full of sads.
nan and the rest of mystery incorporated are SUPER FUCKING SLEUTHS!
pictures of old timey witches + an axeman website + the date he was murdered = THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!!
seriously?
they're using scooby senses instead of witch powers here, people!
the supreme herself needs a ouija board- oops..i mean spirit board to ask (axe) the axeman where madison is.
seriously?
she needs to ask a game to ask a ghost where another ghost is??!!
so spirit board tells her madison's in the attic.
why couldn't madison just tell nan?
grrrr.
up she goes into filch's stinky doll room.
upon finding madison's corpse in the chest
filch grabs her and we find out later that zoe defeated him by hitting him over the head with a doll.
sigh. no witch powers needed.
ol' acid eyes shows up in a very bad mood.
who can blame her?
what with all the ROSES IN THE ROOM!
hank touches her and she gets all flashy and sees "the redhead".
then fiona touches her and she sees "auntie myrtle".
at some point i think whoever threw acid on her is going to touch her and she'll "see" who did that too.
filch is channeling the nuge and getting interrogated by the clue crew.
nan tries to read his mind which is super dumb because WHY HASN'T SHE BEEN DOING THAT ALL ALONG?!
i mean she could have already solved the mystery of the EVERYTHING at this point.
filch has learned a trick or 2 over the years and he starts manipulating his own thoughts.
instead of the real thoughts, which would be fiona slitting madison's throat and filch rolling her up in the rug....he has pretend thoughts of necrophilia. and "cold, stiff mounds".
and no, he's not talking about a winter baseball game.
over in stevie hollow misty is giving frankenkyle a bath (while simultaneously healing auntie myrtle in a mound of swamp water and alligator voodookie) when he starts flashing thoughts of his molesting mom so frankenkyle gets frankenfreaked and starts frankenruining things.
including misty's only stevie touchstone...her radio.
zoe shows up and misty is like get him the frankenfuck out because he "broke stevie".
down in cordelia's conservatory misty tries to "resurge" madison only since she's mostly decomposed it proves to be a bit of a challenge.
nothing a little stomach pumping and massaging can't fix.
after a spurtle of old, rusty blood and a cockroach emerge from her mouth, madison pops up and states, "i need a cigarette."
hank visits marie and is all "we have a problem".
and marie is all you're damn right we have a problem.
so we were right, hank is total bullshit.
despite looking like a 90's sitcom dad he is also a witch hunter.
later zoe asks misty to "stay the night." and "sleep in a bed for a change you disgusting swamp monster".
misty declines due to "bad vibes"
what bad vibes you ask?
no, not the bad vibes of 2 dead teenagers brought back to life...
these bad vibes.
so a ghost can hold you hostage, apparently.
and touch your boobs.
the axeman having not been properly "released" by zoe decides to terrorize poor, old, blind cordelia.
ok.
really?
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE USE THEIR DAMN WITCH POWERS!??!
as i said earlier..
zoe brought down an entire army of zombies using some "be in your nature" shit with her HAND!
her hand!!
wait a minute....!!!!
hey that's a hand!
oh. nope. sorry.
she's just using it to dust a bookshelf.
seriously?!
so she grabs a book to read some magic spell that will release a murderer into the streets at night?
albeit a ghost murderer, but still a murderer.
and away he goes...
down the street to a bar.
where he "hey pretty lady"'s a freshly chemo'd fiona holding a fistful of hair.
OH so many questions.
am i imagining this episode was not great?
was it great and i just missed something?
delphine was notably missing.
i liked that we found out about hank...
and that madison is back..
but it just felt so silly.
can we not acknowledge the fact that zoe brought down the zombies with her hand and some nature mantra?
i mean, come on.
it felt like 1 step forward 2 steps back.
next week looks like queenie pays a visit to marie.
but will fiona not smell the bullshit in the axeman's pockets?
will myrtle be ready for harvesting?
will her red hair be intact?
will madison remember?
fiona could erase that shit like she did those gravediggers in episode 2.
thoughts?
spill.
