golden globes recap

main thoughts:

man buns are the worst.  i want to take them all down....in private  (raises eyebrows)

amy poehler won and she should have.

how many dicks did andy samberg have to suck on to win best actor in a comedy series and to win BEST COMEDY IN A COMEDY SERIES?!

i don't like where matthew mcconaughey's face is heading. 

bryan cranston won and he should have.

emma thompson is my spirit animal.

i can't speak of the film wins because the only movie i saw this year was frozen because parent.

jacqueline bisset is my spirit animal's spirit animal. 

tina fey and amy poehler are a national treasure.  that leo/supermodel/vagina joke was legit the funniest thing ever. 

robin wright's boob tape. 

on to the fashion..if you can call it that.  

in no particular order:

this dress is too weird to discuss.

her face is like a pretty man. 

unflattering and drab.

she looks like a sick penis.

nothing to see here. 

yes to all of this. 

johnny depp is on to something here. 

she's like a slutty keira knightly.

that blonde in the back pretty much nailed it.

so did the red head with the horsey teeth, she whinnied and had to look away, right after she tried to eat those things on tina's dress.

the hair is the worst part for me. 

combover.

toes.

vaguely penile.

2 penises on a date. 

good and fashioney.

but helmet hair. 

also, i'll bet the dress is about as comfortable as a maxi pad in a bathing suit. 

no. 

wow. pretty. 

of all the necklines this one is my favorite. 

it's just so flattering and pretty and sensual. 

she nailed it from head to toe. 

too smooshy on her boobs is the least of this dress's problems. 

but damned if she hasn't moved all the way to the top of my "dream dinner guest list".

good shoes.

did she swim THROUGH the hair gel?!

the fuck is this?

is she high?

ahhhh....eyeball cleanser. 

( i mean that in a good way. as in this is so good it's cleansing my eyeballs from that heidi mess up there)

corn broom?

 predator?

this is classic julia not giving a fuck.

while i don't love the coral applique...i don't hate it either... but i love LOVE the cut of this dress and think she looks amazing. 

i want to like this dress but i don't. 
 

throw-up. 

not feelin it. 

her head is good.

she could wear it to give birth in though and be super comfy. 

maybe that was the plan. 

why does she always wear a glittery bathrobe?

that version of a ponytail is becoming the guy fieri of hairstyles. 

not human.  mermaid. 

this dress makes me wanna hate fuck robin thicke. 

this dress looks like if david's bridal made a dress out of dresses from filene's basement.

hamnana.

ham stuffed in a banana. 

the prettiest girl at the party. 

this dress is trying too hard to be cool. 

cutest head. 

this dress looks like if a saloon girl costume became a giant stick of cinnamon gum and then a pretty praying mantis crawled inside it and put on red lipstick. 

LOVE!!!!-

said no one. 

yep.  every. time. 

and my best dressed winner issssssss.......

this cartoon crab with a chloe sevigny head. 

worst dressed is everyone. 

globes review

not so much:

turd/tord.

knope.

squuuaaaaawwwwwk!!!!!!

curtains.

pocahontas bandaid.

it's hard to focus on the dress with that strange orange glow raping my eyes.

seriously?

with your body THAT's what you wear??

i mean....food much?

he, on the other hand, looks outstanding. 

mildred. 

ottoman.

you don't fool me with that tennis dress disguised as fancy. 

blah blah. she always looks the same.

put your hair down and wear something that doesn't look like a princess. threw up on you.

ba ba ba ba ba ba bah bah bah..bah bah baa ba bah!!

(dancing with the stars theme)

face!  face!!!!  FACE!!!!!!!!!

penis arms!  PENIS ARMS!!!

( i would kill for those penis arms)

temple grandin won again!

 what. the. fuck. 

this dress sucks a million madonna arms. 

brussels sprout.

it's a turtleneck, yo!

grace skellyton.

julie bones. 

hey grammaw!

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

sleeping bag.

oh hey other grammaw!

"my 2 yo picked out this dress!!"

duh.

heeyyy girl,  what'cha doin?

heeeyyy girl,  where ya' goin?

"oh just goin to get some mutton chops cut onto my face."

riding the fence:

it's a lot going on...hair, dress...but she looks beautiful.

maybe if she had her hair up, with some loose waves around her face it would have been better.

i mean she's certainly stunning, but i would have rather seen her in something edgier, and with more color.

and i HATE headbands!!!

they are so juvenile.

period!!!  

this sort of makes her body look weird but i LOVE the color of those earrings with it!!

hmm...on the one hand she looks so fresh and fancy-free!

on the other hand she looks like she just rolled out of bed.

and it doesn't fit so good.

and stop smiling so much!!  it's not that awesome!

better.

she always does the structured look really well but her torso looks mega long in this dress.

and i thought the make-up was too strong.

favorites:

it's young, it's sexy and girly and she looks beautiful. 

the belt is cool.

totally age appropriate but still sexy.

66! 

gorgeous.

she looks 10 feet tall and she's like 3'4.

totally glamorous and beautiful.

pretty much perfect across the board.

she gets it.

bitch please.

you wish you were this cool.

girl can rock a fish tail.

also this is what i look like in dresses.

best dressed??

salma's boobs.

best dressed dude?

as mike left for work this morning he says,

"i'll leave you alone to do whatever you will do with your ewan macgreggor pictures".

ha!

yeah, like rub my scent on them!

 downton recap tomorrow.

globes

 congratulations to you if you sat through 3 hours of that excrutiating bullshit last night.

5 hours if you count the pre show.

which i did.

for you.

to bring you this recap.

here are my initial thoughts:

more ricky gervais all night every night.

less boring awards with foreign people who can barely speak english.

cecil b demille awards are dumb.

clearly robert deniro knows he's awesome.

all the stylists got together and picked out of a hat: green, dead fish color, black, red, and blush/nude.

natalie portman has lost her mind.

i am starting with the guys bc i was way more impressed with them than i was with the ladies.

sweet jesus.

i don't know who this hot australian guy is but when he opened his mouth i got naked.

yes. mmhmm. yes.

oh good lord. (giggles) how'd that get in there?

delicious.

holy nuthole!

give it.  twice on sunday.

he is THE ONLY human man that can do casual and still look like a million fucks bucks.

i think we all know who my favorite was..

let's have another look..

even dudes can't take their eyes off of him.

understood.

the assholes:

sorry JD...this look is not cute.

not even for you.

take a cue from RDJ he is flawless.

this is one white shirt away from being a winner.

his hair looks like it smells good.

fart on you cam.

you could have looked so handsome if you wore a motherfucking bowtie.

a note to dudes who refuse to wear bowties to awards shows:

suck it up!!  

we know you are not wearing one bc you think they are super uncomfortable.

 try wearing head to toe spanx and 4 inch stilettos.

now talk to me about discomfort.

LADIES-

let's start with who i hated (pretty much everyone):

way to enhance what is already huge.

 she is wearing an army of spanx right now.

she was probably in danger of dying. 

dead fish 1

dead fish 2

dead fish 3

popeye.

helen mirren would have killed in this dress.

wedding cake topper from your mom's cake. 

it's just ugly and ill fitting.

not even her cute little pixie face can save it.

cruise ship boob smasher.

maybe on nicole or cate or someone who is not 3 feet tall.

hahahahahaha!!  awesome.

will you accept this rose?

no natalie, i will not accept this rose.

peen.

it's wearing her.

gone with the wind. 

cute lesbian.

barflesque.

goddammit tina fey!!  hire a stylist!!!!!!

no.

she looks like a skeleton in a pretty black dress.

NEXT: 

the good to meh cetegory:

very soft and pretty. the accessories made it.

she always looks different than everyone else and knows what looks good on her.

sh

she is so sexy that i feel like the red is overkill.

plus it's shiny and that puts into the bordello red category.

she needs to think more penelope cruz less beyonce.

meh.

whatever. pretty. yawn.

what up with the sensible shoes?

where did hot megan go?

eat more food megan.

claire paltrow.

its pretty.

love the cuff.

ice capades.

cape off please.

hmmm....

inside clothes.  

(like inside voice, only clothes)

EAT MORE FOOOOOD!!!!!!!

perfectly pretty.

ditto.

ok.

my favorites!!!!!!

at first i was not a fan.

then i stared a little more and became more mesmerized by how well played everything was.

she had the princess tulle thing happening but then she had on these amazing rock star edgy gold shoes, and then the hair was just so natural and simply undone that she looked like she floated down from outer space, or planet beautiful peepole..and then i died. 

 

mila + green = awesome.

and my favorite favorite favorite..

that a good portion of you will not understand but you are wrong

is..

when i saw her i gasped audibly.

she is dumber than a bag of dicks though.

thank you to s.mike of sapelo productions for cutting the portman video for me