butt updates (beware: soft-core porn!) ***MORE INFO AT BOTTOM (get it?)

i have been dooing my tracy anderson metamorphartsis DVDs like a fucking champ!

 

the instructions are to do the dance cardio and the mat work 6 days a week.

the simple fact is bc of my ankles i cannot do the cardio 6 days a week.

i do it 3-4, and the mat 5 days a week.

i feel like this is sufficient.

though it is not what she recommends and if you are enormous i recommend doing what she says.

 

i am overall happy with my results:

(try to ignore the diabetes pump on my stomach. it detracts from the sexx)


 

 

 

 

 

(that is a zit-gross)

 

my bikini dreams are coming true.

 

you should also know that i eat chocolate every day (hello arm zit).

 

and i am old. 

 

 

p.s. YES i am sucking it in.

honesty is the best policy.

 

****I USE ABCENTRIC.

IF YOU ARE UNSURE BUY OMNICENTRIC.

I WITHOUT A DOUBT GAIN WEIGHT IN MY UPPER BODY, NEVER MY LOWER. 

THE DANCE CARDIO DVD IS 30 MINUTES

THE MAT WORKOUTS ARE 30 MINUTES.

SO THAT EQUALS 1 HOUR.

IT IS HARD TO FIND THE TIME BUT I DO.

I SACRIFICE OTHER THINGS IN ORDER TO DO IT.

LIKE READING BLOGS (SADFACE).

I HAVE ONE GIANT STRETCHMARK ON MY TUMMY.  IN THE PHOTOS YOU JUST CAN'T SEE IT.

ALSO THERE ARE LOADS OF STRETCH MARKS ON MY BOOBS.

I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, I NEVER WEAR SUNSCREEN CUZ I THINK IT'S TOXIC AND I ONLY WEAR A NATURAL KIND WHEN I AM DELIBERATELY IN THE SUN...LIKE AT THE BEACH. 

AND WHEN I AM AT THE BEACH I AM UNDER AN UMBRELLA. ELLA ELLA. 

 

 

stupid ankles post disguised with pretty pictures

 my ankles feel like what that guy's in misery felt like when kathy bates hobbled the fuck out of them.

 

(wall tassels are an interesting option)

 

all that tracy anderson bouncing is actually making my bones start to break.

oh..what's that you say?

your shoes suck?

 

 

yes.  they do.

but the problem is i have no idea what kind of shoes to get.

many people say that zumba workout shoes are the way to go.

btw- if you don't know what zumba is (i didn't either)-

it is some kind of stupid dance workout that you need coordination to achieve, and rythm.

2 things i lack a tremendous amount of.

 


(mini purple lampshades)

 

plus it looks like you are auditioning for an MTV dance show circa 'the grind'.

in other words you look like an asshole.

also it is more about dance moves and less about jumping and impact.

tracy is all about the jumping and the impact.

hence broken ankles.

(and you also look like an asshole. a stupid, jumping asshole)

 

 

ok.

so shoes.

i confess to maybe working out for 2 days in crocs to see if they were more cushiony than my nikes.

 

 

they were.

 

 

but they offered no support so my ankles hate life right now.

 

 

so what shoes do i get?

ryka? 

they are made for dance.

do i just get goop's shoes?

my fear is they are 300 dollars.

do i get some kind of hip hop dancey shoe with a padded high top ankle blanket?

do you give a fuck?

you have to give a fuck though.

bc my cardio will suffer which means that i cannot get super skinny and wine and reeses will win!

and you will have no superhero to look up to.

and then YOUR ass will get bigger!!

 

(lovely mix)

 

now get me some shoe facts!

 

 

holy mother of ass

it's 1stdibs fridaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!

 

this item caught my eye recently...

(animal lovers avert your eyes)

what we have here is a beautifully faded 1970s yellow python parsons table.

 

 yours for a mere $5,200.

 

 

 pretty sure that's real python skin.

 

but it's vintage so who cares, right?

nobody kills pythons for tables these days do they?

if a table can be cool this one is for sure.

 

ok then.

 

moving on to the fucking bane of my existence..

 in an effort to rid myself of my flabby belly i am upping my cardio starting cardio and doing the new TA metamorphuckmeinmyface DVD's..

if you've seen me you know i have H U G E tits and a sweet gut.

it hasn't always been this way.

just since i gave birth at the age of 35 (not smart).

my goal is to wear a bikini.

yeah. that's right.

a bikini.

if jennifer anniston (my age)

can wear one so can i goddammit!!!

only right now no one wants to see that nonsense.

unless you feel like throwing up.

 

but this shit is HARD and HARSH!

it makes me cry and almost vomit.

but that's bc my cardio heart is unconditioned.

and my blood is full of wine and reese-y eggs.

 

but it is working.

and in 90 days i will reveal my sick body to you.

 

and then you will cry bc you aren't as hot as me.

 

have a glorious weekend butter-butts.