it's monday!
a new week ya'll!
a week of possibilities and a chance encounter of a 3 way with the dudes from immortals.
not really. but maybe really. anything's possible with a positive attitude!
our family is on the road to wellness so i am in a particularly good mood today.
also though i don't encourage the stomach virus diet it is a great way to lose a quick 5-10 lbs.
in my case it was 8.
there is none of that pesky hunger and cravings bullshit...just straight up nausea for 2 solid weeks.
so if anyone wants me to suck on a lollipop and send it to you in the mail just say the word!
it's all the rage right now.
now..
onto why you are here.
american horror story recaps!
things i learned:
cam hates pigs.
pregnant women should eat brains.
and i can totally get a psychic off of craigslist.
and
there is no way in hell you would find me inside of anyone's bathroom let alone the MURDER house bathroom (sidenote- i don't believe for one second that a guy who knows every single urban legend horror story wouldn't be abreast of the fact that his sexy therapist held his practice inside murder house usa. not one second)
anyway...no way in hell i would play "here piggy pig pig" with the lights out in that GD bathroom.
or any bathroom. unless i was 12.
and that's only bc at 12 your head is usually pretty far up your own ass and therefore blinded by such pig person murderer realities.
also if jessica lange doesn't win an emmy i will Occupy the Red Carpet.
ok so..let's recap..
a very uneasy episode this week, eh?
the whole columbine parallel was a little too much, even for me.
on the one hand i thought,
some disturbed, emotionally immature teenager is gonna be like...yeah..kill my school!!
i was torn..
bc on the other hand that made for some real fucking scary shit.
too scary maybe.
the pee on the floor bit was just not ok.
but for our purpose of wanting this show to be as scary as possible...
this week disturbed the ever loving diarrhea out of me.
so WIN!
during the whole shootout scene i was like...that tate asshole!!!!!!
but then when he was sad and apparently in denial about what he had done i was like..
awww... poor little tater tot.
talk about mind games, ryan murphy you slut!
speaking of teen sluts..
finally violet uses her smarts and utilizes panic google to find out that zombie glee kids weren't actually in halloween costumes picking on her boyfriend.
nope..they were ghosts!
and so is her boyfriend.
surprise..
you did it with a ghost.
lucky you.
all demi got was some soft core pottery sessions.
once violet realizes her life is over she walks downstairs calling for her mommy only to find jessica at the table smoking cigarettes.
jessica lange at this point could give 3000 fucks about violet's problems.
she just needs tate to stay put at murder house.
she tells violet to come over to her house bc she has something to show her.
and that something is a sexy craigslist psychic medium.
as if.
both jessica and puffy lips medium (new rap name!) are all..
listen, you need to understand you have been chosen.
the ghosts have chose your ass, be one with it and all will be well.
at this point there is some old lady grandma ghost memory and violet freaks out and leaves.
up next vivian is rubbing her demon hooved baby belly in a dream.
when she wakes up she's scared and presses the rent-a-cop button (where can i get one of these please? while were at it a rent-a-doctor would save me A LOT of panic google time)
and then poof!
there is hot chocolate all up in her face with the eyes and the smile and the skin and the uniform and the muscles.
she is ready to maybe make out with him when her deadbeat husband walks in and cock blocks everything.
she is visibly disappointed.
but she then proceeds to tell him that she is disgusted by his face and that after his last session of the day he better leave so she can have alone time with her sexy thoughts, basically.
after this we see derek aka cam from modern family talking about how he's scared of every urban legend out there..
like pigs who murder you when you call them in a mirror.
i had never heard of this one before.
eric stonestreet was amazing.
he officially creeped me and endeared me.
ben tells derek he needs to go home and practice saying it the mirror and the only way he will grow and get over his fear is if he can get through it.
without getting slaughtered obvs.
bc if he got slaughtered by a pig man, well then..not such a life milestone.
back in the kitchen..
viv recieves a big ol package of raw organs from constance.
she tells cock-eyed moira to cook it all up with some buttersauce.
bc pregnant ladies need to eat shit like that.
and much to viv's surprise it is super delicious!
meanwhile..
violet being the ignorant asshole teenager that she is decides the best way to handle her ghost situation is to cut her arm up with a razor blade and take some pills.
tate to the rescue again!
he gagged that bitch and gave her a nice hot shower.
some shit happens.
more shit happens..
ghost in the shower..
violet goes to the school and asks about tate..
moira gets sort of fired..
viv eats a brain..
WAAAIT!!!
fuckmeinmyfacesheeatsafreshjuicybloodsoakedbrain!
like mainlines it!
so
so
so
grawesome!
(gross + awesome)
then viv goes to see the baby tech that passed out at the contents of her uterus.
in a church bc it was her safeplace.
where she tries rather pathetically to convince viv that her baby has hooves and a tail.
i mean come on...who's gonna believe a crazy fucker like that.
if i were the tech here's what would have gone down..
me the tech: ok, let's have a look here inside your belly (smiles warmly)
viv: ok this is so exciting.
me the tech: (talking to self) let..me..just..get a little of this..cold..goop..on..THERE...ok..
HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!
do you see this shit?
what the hell?
(turns monitor around to show viv)
viv: HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!!
WHAT IS THAT!?!?!?
and scene.
so anyway..
the tech is obviously a lunatic so anything that she says is not credible in viv's mind.
obviously my way just doesn't create good tv tension.
ok.
so we still aren't sure what's going on in there.
over in cam's bathroom we see him about to overcome his fear of being murdered by a pig headed monster..
unfortunately for him there is a robber in his tub shower who clearly doesn't like to be called a pig.
and then kablammo..
bullet into cam's forehead.
and in the emmy winning moment of the night..
constance and her CL medium communicating with addie.
constance tells her dead daughter how pretty she was and stuff and it was sad.
more stuff happens..
tate get's blown to bits by a swat team..
tate and violet spoon and it's over.
the end.
any revelations this week?
here's something..
the frankenbaby that the doctor was sewing together had hooves..
right?
so what if that baby is the baby inside of viv?
it's a total ghost baby frankenpig!
