design star- double elimination means bizness. and that this shit is over sooner.

 you would think that given the opportunity to design their own space without having to concede to someone else's shitty design would mean less shitty design. 

well you'd be wrong.

it was raining poop and pee and farts and sharts and suede couches.

kellie just won a million dollars!!!!

just kidding she just saw the hgtv'd truck.

hgtv'd truck=b'hole herpes.

are you ready?

the poor bastards with a house in need of decorating for free were the....sbbaasshottks?

basshhock's?

fuck i can never understand anyone's name..

i will call them the spatchcocks...

the spatchcocks aka delicious chicken heads.

the turds draw cards to see which room they get to fuck up..

the spatchcocks brief the turds on what they need/want in each of the rooms.

they have 2 little boys.

1 of them likes to party. hard. 

the other one likes sports.

they need some chandeliers (plural).

someone wants bunkbeds and some lockers (here's a hint..it's not mom or dad).

someone has a record collection (that mark will make a ladder out of).

and leslie has cobras for arms..

everyone comences shopping..

mark shops for all the wood in the land..

"wood is my favorite."

day 2

mark is moving on to his masterpiece of all ladders,

made out of records..

everyone in brooklyn is hi-5'ing.

in the next room kevin is making stone look more like stone with paint that looks like stone..

paint this stone the color of stone.

leslie is..

handing over her title as design star.

but then as if things couldn't possibly get any gayer (and thankfully they always do)-

the gayest car in the universe pulls up..

(oonce oonce oonce oonce)

(oonce oonce oonce oonce)

IT'S LORD MCGAYLORD!

 lord of the gay is there for some role playing lessons.

karl pretends not to be creepy (FAIL) and david pretends he is dorothy in the wiz (NAILED IT).

day 3, maybe.

more shopping happens.

kellie can't find lockers..

crates are lockers sometimes when crates are busy being lockers.

meg shops for ottomans..

"hey jenny, you mean aaaaahtahmahns."

kevin can't find a mantle in all of new jersey..

so he asks woody for some wood..

 but he's like..no wood here..

meg is running behind again..

"ha haa ha ha  i better put aahn my big girl panties and hang some laahnternz.."

meg's panties.

meg's lanterns.

i would have ripped that homespun shit down immediately.

time for the guest judge!! 

it's my boyfriend john gidding!!!!

and that means it's time for another edition of..

(whispers) CeLebriTy FRaGraNceS

it's called: cuntemporary modern (for him/her)

scent: spruce, freshly cut tile, spruce, DWR showroom, tom ford's ball juice, new canvas sneakers, crest

john pretends to love everything bc he is friendly and positive.

leslie's room..

jacked up letters and inabiltiy to stuff the comforter INSIDE the duvet.

 cobra arms are hard. 

 the other side:

there is a giant soul eating monster hovering near the bed (10 points from gryffindor!)

plus there are screen printed pictures on the comforter.

i just want to understand the taste level here people.

and..

yer done.

kellie's room..

rug on an angle. 

150 points from gryffindor.

plus no bunk beds=little boy tears.

mark's living/dining combo:

those rugs are dumb.

would you like some wood with your wood?

meg's landing..

3 days?

all of that shit would land in the dumpster. 

kevin's family room:

 

kevin don't know nuthin bout furniture arrangin.

 karl's master bedroom:

 milquetoast.

that's french canadian for milk toast.

it'd been a whoooole lot better if it wasn't so ugly.

and it's the winner.

no you heard right.

the winner.

winning in all it's matchy blue and beige accordian blinded glory.

the loser this week is les..

neckshaft.

and..

slingblade.

but not bc his room sucked.

bc HE sucks.

seriously hgtv.

this show is sucking the shit out of sucking. 

design turd recap for your face

ummmm...

uhhh.

wow.

haha uhhhh....

let's see....where do i..begin..

the turds are kitchen designers this week.

there..

i'll start there.

no wait..dreeeeam kitchen designers.

yet oddly enough the finished products were um...oh...i don't know..uhhh...fuglarious?

they worked in pairs again.

here's a pair:

"here's to sucking!!"

once the pairs pulled a kitchen layout out of a magic folder they then picked a teapot to inspire their design..

magical inspirational teapots of imagination

if it were me i would first smash all the teapots on the floor..

 then i would totes go traditional but i would do euro modern traditional and melt everyone's fucking face off.

but no one did anything good at all. 

no one.

at all.

first of all they got the worst advice ever from king bromstad of colorwheel..

"a kitchen should be vibrant and full of energy."

 ok that's just a fucking opinion king colordong.

i say a kitchen should just function practically and be real fucking pretty.

anyway..

everyone seems to think that green is the most awesome color choice for their kitchen walls..

but then karl is all..wait...fuck a JUST GREEN KITCHEN!

LET'SADDSOMEORRRRANGEBITCH!!!!

because it's so stylish and vibrant and energized to have all the walls different fucking colors of course!

or as he likes to call it..

 

no really, that's exactly what he called it.

and cathy don't give a shit..

with her cleveland eyes..

"so long as i can style the shit out of it ya'll karl can paint it any colors he wants"

 kellie is sad that mark won't finish the tile backsplash that she picked out..

day 1

 day 2.

day 3.

 "tiling makes me sleepy."

meg puts up a peg board of pots and pans..

 meg board

"paaahhhhhts"

tyler shows us that you only need a little bit of backsplash in the kitchen..

global green tiles  

 cathy styled it all up like a grocery store..

there was a bowl full of horseraddish (appropriate) and cucumbers (not appropriate)

and a full on bread station.

 emily were you stroking out at this point?

then came the dreaded camera challenges.

and i say dreaded for me,

BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE WATCHING IT.

cathy is so good at the camera challenges bc she speaks into the camera like a robot camera horse that can deliver all the appropriate camera challenge information for the camera.

"here, eat this imaginary apple as your reward!"

"nomnomnom neeeigh!!"

everyone else sucked.

time for judging!!

welcome this week's judge!

it's paula deen ya'll!

and that means it's time for my side project..

CeLeBrity FraGRanceS!

the paula deen edition.

it's called: butt her

scent: butter, butterscotch, scotch, menthols, tugboat steam, french country, aqua net, finger sandwiches,

shrimp shells and benicar

paula pretty much hates everything.

and why wouldn't she?

first up:

GLOBAL!!

nothing says global like cork floors, a zebra rug, a live edge table and a liberace goes to india piano bench!

FARMHOUSE:

nothing says farmhouse like industrial pendants!

INDUSTRIAL:

nothing says industrial like dark cabinets, a red wall, his friend yellow wall, and mid century stools!

CONTEMPORARY:
nothing says contemporary like buffalo wings and celery sticks!

the winner of this week's design challege was cathy with her barnload of info delivery in under 60 seconds..

way to go cathy!

"yyyeeeeaah!!!"

"i mean neeeeiiigghh!!!!"

the loser this week was tyler..

sorry tyler, there's only room for one gaysian on hgtv...

design star recap- LOL 4EVER!!

i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.

last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.

the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).

my underarms smell like onions.

and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.

we gots'to make this quick..

this week the turds are on the jersey shore..

the jersey shore

standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen

 the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free.  smart thinking semens!  maybe. 

the semens

cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???

once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.

meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..

kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?

"neeeigh!"

that means yes!

meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..

"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"

 just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..

they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..

look closely...inspiration is happening.

 leslie hangs some doormats..

brett gets a cute chair..

kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..

 cathy don't give a shit.

meg buys some ugly fabric..

karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..

seashore mural of dumbness

cathy hates life and kevin.. 

mark is making a rope ladder..

"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"

"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"

bret is losing..

no really.  he loses.

day 3.

the day of the bromstad.

as in on camera tip day.

as in i don't care day.

as in this is the worst part of this show.

as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.

as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.

day 3.5

judgement day.

vern and genevieve show up.

tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..

kathy ireland..

 since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..

it's called: swim meat

scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.

back to the judging..

kathy loves everything.

genevieve loves leslie's rugs.

vern loves sweaters.

collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:

it was my favorite too.

and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.

in its defense..

it was fun.

in its offensiveness..

it was still gimmicky.

in last place was bret and his headboard..

 whatever..

6 of one, a half dozen of the other.

6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..

6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.

turd love,