yay us!!
we get to listen to meg's laryngititular cotton mouth midwestern accent say the words "Design Crimes" forever and ever!
ear crimes.
eye crimes.
also:
right?!!!?
anyway...
here's what you missed...
meg and karl decorate a room.
both rooms suck.
the end.
"hahahahahahahahahDESIGNCRIMES!"
DESIGN CRIMES!!!!
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dezIne cryymz
sorry for the delay my people.
these recaps take time and i got no time sometimes.
word.
so..
this week is just chock full of terrible design and sad, ugly surprises.
but then i guess every week is isn't it?
starting with the release of my beloved cathy out to pasture...
look closely..
don't cry cathy.
this time the turds have to design a wedding reception in 2 days.
The Bride:
contradiction.
The Groom:
this spells divorce.
once again cathy is on her high horse and begins spouting off all of her wedding design credentials:
3 weddings not including her own plus the wedding design distinction of wedding design wedding emmy.
president of weddings
cathy persuades forces everyone to let her be in charge of the bride and groom table..
and then she licks her salt rock.
karl, kevin and mark are in charge of the not victorian gentleman's lounge..
karl thinks it's dumb to have a disjointed mid century style lounge area at a victorian themed wedding.
duh. it is.
but the bride wanted an orange and yellow victorian glamour shots room,
and the groom likes skateboards and crooners.
so there's that obstacle.
if it were me i wouldn't have taken what they wanted so literally.
i would have nodded and been like...mmhhmm...skateboards..cool...ohh...uhh huh...orange and yellow..mmhmm....colors..
then i would have made a real pretty wedding reception and dina manzo's brain would have exploded into a thousand tiny, gay wedding planners and they all would have hi'fived me.
anway..
kevin don't care..
he's just excited that he can do more 50's kitsch and mark just wants to build something out of skateboards.
depsite his best efforts to creep everyone out..
karl says fuck this shit..i'm gonna go ruin a flower arrangement.
mark sketches out some dumb skateboard hanging ladder of stupidness..
victorian skateboard ladder.
of stupidness.
lord bromstuff shows up for the camera challenges..
these camera challenges are just getting way outta hand...
leslie has a stroke...
meg poops her pants...
and then it's back to making everything look more terrible..
meg makes flower trophies..
how many times did that shit get knocked over?
answer: 1000
kellie makes a giant orange victorian spider...
scary.
leslie draped some fabric over a table and lit a candle..
i will cut her some slack since that was probably all she could manage with her new stroke arm.
and
karl proved that you can make flowers look ugly..
the turds cut it close time wise bc of all the table setting and shit clearing.
there is stampeding..
careful meg. don't knock over the flower arrangements. or everything else.
time for judging..
dina manzo is beside herself with disgust.
this shit would never happen at the brownstone.
the winner this week was mark with his lighting smarts and skateboard ladder building...
turning asian.
asian head bow of gratitude.
the loser is cathy with her weak bride and groom table..
whatever..it's not worse than that lame asian skateboard ladder.
or the prom meet and greet table that leslie fashioned out of an indain sari.
cathy straight up left bc no one liked her.
end of story.
well, and there was no way anyone could have looked into those giant orbs for too long without feeling extremely uncomfortable.
i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.
last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.
the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).
my underarms smell like onions.
and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.
we gots'to make this quick..
this week the turds are on the jersey shore..
the jersey shore
standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen
the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free. smart thinking semens! maybe.
the semens
cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???
once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.
meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..
kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?
"neeeigh!"
that means yes!
meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..
"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"
just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..
they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..
look closely...inspiration is happening.
leslie hangs some doormats..
brett gets a cute chair..
kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..
cathy don't give a shit.
meg buys some ugly fabric..
karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..
seashore mural of dumbness
cathy hates life and kevin..
mark is making a rope ladder..
"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"
"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"
bret is losing..
no really. he loses.
day 3.
the day of the bromstad.
as in on camera tip day.
as in i don't care day.
as in this is the worst part of this show.
as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.
as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.
day 3.5
judgement day.
vern and genevieve show up.
tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..
kathy ireland..
since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..
it's called: swim meat
scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.
back to the judging..
kathy loves everything.
genevieve loves leslie's rugs.
vern loves sweaters.
collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:
it was my favorite too.
and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.
in its defense..
it was fun.
in its offensiveness..
it was still gimmicky.
in last place was bret and his headboard..
whatever..
6 of one, a half dozen of the other.
6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..
6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.
turd love,
last night i woke up at 3 am and had to clean huge piles of technicolor cat puke off my floor and bed.
and it TOTALLY reminded me of design star!!!!
art imitates life!
this week the turds had the dreaded white box challenge...
box of whiteness
this is only considered "dreaded" bc they have to decorate their tiny, white rooms with stupid shit.
in this case, stupid shit from a stupid restaurant supply store.
like..
water bottles..
fuck you ozone layer.
and apples..
horses love apples.
i feel for the turds on this one...i really do.
i mean no one decorates real rooms in real life with shit from a restaurant supply store.
not even a restaurant does.
so they have to be conceptual.
not functional.
aka HARD.
and dumb.
anyway...
here's my entry:
i call it 'ketchup krimes'.
mark had the winning room:
and here's why..
he didn't try to make an ugly ass room out of peppercorns and spice mosaic.
he had a concept based on his grandfather's WWII hat and he made an art installation.
j had the losing room:
not sure why she lost over this..
but there it is.
showing you the rest of the rooms would be like raping your eyes with sticks dipped in salt, so i won't.
instead i will entertain you with vagina analogies.
box=vagina.
"i want when someone looks at my box.. to know without a doubt..that's kellie's box"
"my wow factor will be my fire box"
"day two and my box is still white"
"my box reflects me..not only because it's a space i would probably live in but it's also very ordered, it's very.....simple"
thom filicia was the guest judge.
he made faces like this:
and this..
and i made faces like this..
and this..
turd box,
this blog is about to get real-er..
the gloves are coming off this year..
as in i am going to draw my period all over everyone..
ladyfire,
it seems weird to just show awesome rooms to you after i was near oprah status this weekend.
i wish i could tell you that they signed me up right after they saw my sparkle charms.
and i wore sequins so i was for real sparkle charming.
but they didn't.
here's what they did tell me...
i did great.
that despite the whirlwind last few days, the next few months would be quiet..
as in, don't freak out if 2 months go by and you haven't heard a word...
they also told me i needed to be discreet from here on out and that i couldn't divulge what went down yesterday or the casting process.
sad for you all.
but i have a feeling..a good one.
i have also realized that i could be on national tv looking like a great big asshole with big boobs and no real design experience.
and i have also realized that i could be leaving my sweet fi for 2 months.
wrap your head around that one for a minute moms...
yeah...not a fun thought at all.
anyway..as you can imagine i am waffling somewhere around super excitement and bone chilling terror.
but i don't mind the wait.
not at all.
in fact, i am going to use this time to really focus on the what if..
what if i am on this show?
well then i want to be 100 percent certain that i can do anything they throw my way.
don't get me wrong, i won't be crafting shit out of orange rinds or toilet paper.
i am just going to focus on MY thing..
combining old and new..
mixing high and low..
and just generally putting shit together in a new and awesome way.
so we can stop talking about it now.
we can get back to pretty rooms and housewives.
thanks again for all of your support and well wishes.
you guys will be the first to know anything that happens.
i promise you that.
now hire me so i can practice.
