design star recap- LOL 4EVER!!

Gabriela Eisenhart August 3, 2011

i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.

last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.

the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).

my underarms smell like onions.

and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.

we gots'to make this quick..

this week the turds are on the jersey shore..

the jersey shore

standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen

the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free. smart thinking semens! maybe.

the semens

cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???

once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.

meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..

kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?

"neeeigh!"

that means yes!

meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..

"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"

just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..

they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..

look closely...inspiration is happening.

leslie hangs some doormats..

brett gets a cute chair..

kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..

cathy don't give a shit.

meg buys some ugly fabric..

karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..

seashore mural of dumbness

cathy hates life and kevin..

mark is making a rope ladder..

"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"

"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"

bret is losing..

no really. he loses.

day 3.

the day of the bromstad.

as in on camera tip day.

as in i don't care day.

as in this is the worst part of this show.

as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.

as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.

day 3.5

judgement day.

vern and genevieve show up.

tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..

kathy ireland..

since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..

it's called: swim meat

scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.

back to the judging..

kathy loves everything.

genevieve loves leslie's rugs.

vern loves sweaters.

collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:

it was my favorite too.

and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.

in its defense..

it was fun.

in its offensiveness..

it was still gimmicky.

in last place was bret and his headboard..

whatever..

6 of one, a half dozen of the other.

6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..

6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.

turd love,

design turd: mosaic turds

Gabriela Eisenhart July 27, 2011

day 1-

new jersey cul de sac.

the challenge:

decorate some poor bastard's house.

there are 2 houses and therefore 2 poor bastards.

5 turds to 1 house.

poor bastard 1:

"i want something that doesn't suck bawls"

poor bastard #2:

"i want something that my kids can play in but looks like an adult space and doesn't suck bawls"

too bad bastards!!

EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS!

cathy does the horses share of the shopping for her and brett and karl's room.

she buys a travertine topped table and some other ugly shit.

"travertine=global perspective".

chomp chomp chomp

karl is all..i wanna shop too..

karl and brett are over that bitch cathy..

"i'm so over that bitch cathy"

and cathy's all...

"whatchoo talkin bout karl? emmy emmy emmy..neigh.."

day 75

karl gets his way..

"don't worry bout it i'm just gonna smash em up and make the ugliest shit you ever saw"

mark and doug are fightin over paint and life..

fake smiles in a sea of vomit.

mark is all...

"i have a deep connection with nature and raw materials"

speaking of raw vaginas..

grab the (my) vagina, mark...grab the vagina..

and then kevin was all...

"just put me in the basement where i belong"

and then meg was all..

"my style is vintage palm beach"

and i was all excited thinking..

oooooo like this?

and this???

and she was all..

no like this..

and i was all..

and then leslie was all...

"i'm a lesbian"

and i was all..

don't you mean a les-LI-bian?

and then she mistook paint for putty, spilling it all over the new carpet

and fiona was all...

and then bromstad showed up and i wanted to peel my face off my skull bones..

actually he seems super nice..

and then the novogratzs showed up...

and that shit got serious.

you should know that no footage exists of the novogratzs actually liking anything they saw.

here is why...

(brace yourselves)

it's seriously the WORST PART ABOUT THAT KITCHEN!!!

just because you can do mosaic doesn't mean you should do mosiac.

why is everything the color of cat puke and vagina?

totally.

would you like some tea with your throw up?

worst rug in the universe.

angled rugs + pillows on the floor = poop.

murder.

sarah richardson is somewhere touching herself.

the best by a mile.

it's insipid but it doesn't offend me.

oddly enough tweedleturd won with this:

murder corner.

and doug lost with his vagina wall.

someone wake me up when it's down to mark and karl.

design turd season who cares episode 1

Gabriela Eisenhart July 12, 2011

i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..

i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…

honey badger don't give a shit.

i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.

they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!

this is the competition that beat out yours truly.

the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..

saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"

and

jenny: "what's that?"

turd 1: "an orange accent wall."

jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"

turd 1: "no."

jenny: "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."

turd 2: "ok."

jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"

ok onto the recap.

the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..

tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds.

the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...

which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:

everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.

but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..

then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..

here they are:

vomit.

don't tell me what to do.

double vomit.

my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.

gay.

around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin.

the room is chunky puke chunks.

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

nice shelf.

this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?

murder.

the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.

imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.

LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-

IT'S DUMB.

THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.

PERIOD.

AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.

JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!

(cry cry cry)

and for the record..

i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.

where are the antiques?

where is the pattern? the texture?

the layering?

the lived in look?

and they had 3 days!!!

THREE DAYS!

can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?

and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?

do they really teach that shit to you in design school?

fire all of those people.

anyway..

dumb blanche went home.

but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.

or gave a shit.

also:

i predict this face happening a lot:

emmys emmys emmys!!

not so secret..

Gabriela Eisenhart January 4, 2011

was going to keep it a secret...

but i decided i wasn't really sure why i was doing that..

i might need all of your support so..

look out mandice, verngina and el gordo..

you guys have better upped your game this year bc i am coming to divide and conquer.

i promise to never do a mural unless one is asked of me and even then i will side-eye the camera (for you dear readers..it will be like my little carol burnett ear tugging thing) and at least try to accomplish something that's not farty.

i have zero point zero zero design experience so that should be interesting.

unless you count craigslist skills and moodboarding as design experience.

but i am fairly certain that i can decorate a room with furniture and art and make it functional and pretty.

i suppose that's what it's all about right?

that and the fact that my personality is funsies.

so.

ummm.

yeah.

that's what i am going to be doing on saturday.

so please leave a comment here if you are a reader (in case hgtv is listening) and let them know how super excited you are to see me on this show and that you will watch and stuff.

p.s.

i saw vern yip in the car the other day and i waved to him and pointed and he never waved back so i count that as a sign.

famous farts,

design turd episode 7: who fucking cares

Gabriela Eisenhart August 2, 2010

i think i would rather peel off my skin with a dull vegetable peeler than watch one more minute of this bullshit "design" show. let alone recap it for you.

but i feel i must at least see it through.

some interesting information came to fruition this week.

we find out courtland is married.

yeah but, probably the same way corky st. clair was married to "bonnie" in waiting for guffman..

also..

my old boss john gidding graced us with his harvard architecturalness

he was filling in for mandice..

remember when he used to be on friends?

he said more than mandice.

that's about it.

oh...and he's prettier than genevieve.

here's some of his harvard architecture grad....architecture:

ugly neat, huh?

ok...so the turds had to design a kitchen for a sears photo shoot.

awesome, right??

yeah, except they had to base the design on a fucking basket of food.

yes, each team had to pick between french, tropical or italian.

no..really..LOOK:

french basket

italian basket

terrible basket

team 1: alex, michael and casey picked the french basket

team 2: courtland and emily picked the italian basket

terrible basket used for comedy purposes.

there was no terrible basket.

literally anyway.

big expectations for emily since she is a photo stylist and shit...

foreshadowing ya'll.

so then each turd had to pick one food item from each basket to serve as their personal inspiration.

emily chose garlic.

courtland chose parmesan cheese.

he couldn't wait to parmesan cheese up the wall, faux finish style.

pretty sure he got a boner for gidding a woman over it.

here is their finished kitchen:

and, no surprise, the losing kitchen.

cabinet choice color= terrible.

purple painted island= double terrible.

courtland's fauxnish= triple terrible

if this was supposed to be "old worldy" italian why not go with some old worldy tiles?

instead of the pale taupey white tiles?

and why not a painted cabinet?

and maybe some open shelving?

perhaps something like this?

over on the french basket team..

casey chose baguette.

michael chose escargot.

and alex chose the corkscrew.

here is their finished kitchen:

better. but still buttsucking.

the winner was casey bc the judges could see her baguette within the colors and textures.

i think she just got lucky bc bread just so happens to be white and beige.

i have no idea where the corkscrew or the escargot came into play.

but it is definitely the color of baguette!!!

in fact sears should just call this kitchen "the baguette kitchen".

as in...

sears person: oh...i see you are shopping for a kitchen...can i interest you in the baguette kitchen?

you: what do i look like, a fucking boring douchebag with zero design sense?

aaaaand scene.

so the bottom 2 were alex for his lack of corkscrew and emily bc apparently she should have styled the room better.

now it's up to the host reels.

both were cute.

emily was all self deprecating and humble.

alex was somewhat retarded-ish.

(but in a great retarded way, bc i love retarded people for they are awesome, smart and really really cool)

according to the judges emily's was cuter and more watchable.

although joey john thought it wasn't very cute of emily to make fun of stuff bc someone watching could see it and do it and then you, emily, just made them feel stupid!! way to go emily.

so alex goes home.

also i thought you should see some of vern's work.

in case you hadn't.

he is a judge after all...

oh..i'm sorry. i didn't see that you were eating.

at least now i know what to do with all of fiona's cut out snowflakes.

see ya next sunday fudge-packers.

design turd episode 6: oh my god oh my god!!! what does it meeeean?? a complete double elimination all the way!!!

Gabriela Eisenhart July 26, 2010

there were clues this week regarding the double complete rainbow elimination outcome.

look-

double caseys:

double douches:

and another ridiculously right field design challenge.

trump jr. was there to show off douche towers new jersey or something like that and vern told the turds they had to design a model room epitomizing the trump brand of luxury.

and then made them choose a bunch of bullshit souvenir bags to use as their inspiration.

plastic toys are so luxurious.

just like the inside of my butt.

so each turd walked over to pick a bag...

and like little yodas it would appear that the bags picked them..

casey picked the architecture and buildings bag.

stacey picked the checker cabs bag.

alex picked the big apple bag.

tom picked the statue of liberty bag.

emily picked the subway.

courtland picked the times square bag.

and

michael picked the broadway bag.

if only nina were still here i am certain she would have picked the graffiti bag.

like every other week each turd had their "moment" in the room and then worked collaboratively on the space as a whole.

here is the winning room done by the blue team that was michael, casey, alex and emily:

i think it eats peentop.

and the winning moment:

alex's little "big apple pillow".

he deconstructed his bag to make a pillow.

winner!!

the losing space done by the red team or, the other knuckleheads:

these monkeys spent a fucking crackload of money at ABC carpet and home and this is how they put it together?!

mother fucker.

fuck you rug on an angle.

(but someone please deliver it to my house after this sideshow is over)

as a whole i adore the furniture way more in this space than the flaxy leathery boxy mess of the winning room.

honestly..

different colored walls, a bigger rug, a couple of gorgeous chairs, more lighting, a few key art pieces, and curtains...you would have won this one red team..

and then stacey completely bozo'd the bed:

(shakes head in disgust)

she put a fucking box spring in the bed, NO mattress, added some horrible sheets and called it a day.

her reason was she felt that taking away the mattress would give the headboard more height and more height equals luxury.

here's what else equals luxury stacey..

A MATTRESS UNDER SOME HIGH QUALITY BEDDING AND SOFT, SQUISHY PILLOWS!!!!!!!!

and her losing moment:

a taxi under a cloche.

while under normal circumstances i could see this on a mantle or on a table or something and it being somewhat cute but for a design challenge when you have to incorporate your bag into something artistic and substantial this is a FAIL.

but that bed nonsense is a far far bigger fail in my mind.

and then there's tom...