a whore called fame, consuming thoughts and asians..

according to you all i am a shoe in for design star. 

word to that.

( i hope you are still practicing spells and reading runes or...something)


some of you think i will get on tv and say fuck.

i might.

but not a lot.

i don't say fuck on here a lot.

 

in truth i watch a lot of reality tv (a lot a lot)

and everyone on reality tv cusses.

they just bleep it.

gordon ramsay has made a career out of it.

 

 

 i am not saying

i am going to be cussing a lot, maybe not ever.

who's to say?

i will probably be too busy making a mirror out of sticks

or contemplating candice's fascination with matrix style coats. 

 

and some of you think they will be hard on me bc i was/am so hard on them..

you're probably right.

they will either completely ignore it or make a spectacle out of me.

i mean if i suck then i deserve turd status for sure. 

all i can do is be myself and decorate the shit out of rooms and possibly an outhouse, or a box of raisins.

 

anyway..

the audition is in 2 days.

i am nervous.

for sure.

what if vern's there?

what if he kicks me in the face?

(if he can reach my face)

 

what?

not so secret..

 was going to keep it a secret...

but i decided i wasn't really sure why i was doing that..

i might need all of your support so..

 

look out mandice, verngina and el gordo..

you guys have better upped your game this year bc i am coming to divide and conquer.

i promise to never do a mural unless one is asked of me and even then i will side-eye the camera (for you dear readers..it will be like my little carol burnett ear tugging thing) and at least try to accomplish something that's not farty.

i have zero point zero zero design experience so that should be interesting.

unless you count craigslist skills and moodboarding as design experience.

but i am fairly certain that i can decorate a room with furniture and art and make it functional and pretty.

i suppose that's what it's all about right?

that and the fact that my personality is funsies.

so.

ummm.

yeah.

that's what i am going to be doing on saturday.

 

so please leave a comment here if you are a reader (in case hgtv is listening) and let them know how super excited you are to see me on this show and that you will watch and stuff.

p.s.

i saw vern yip in the car the other day and i waved to him and pointed and he never waved back so i count that as a sign.

 

famous farts,

 

i will watch secrets from a stylist so that i can learn some secrets....from a stylist.

 well buttfarters..

it's over.

emily wins as was predicted by anybody with half a brain.

mandice showed up wearing gauchos and the more intelligent half of my brain melted..

yep. gauchos.

you cannot get the gauchos' true fashion-y-ness unless the legs are slightly askew..

that's better mandice.

you've gotta give your penis some breathing room.

 

 

ok.

final 2.

emily and michael.

challenge:

15,000 dollars each to make over a one bedroom apartment.

the client is a past contestant of their choosing.

 

emily chooses tom:

 

so based on tom's outfit and overall sense of style emily gives us a "polished, modern, luxurious..blah blah blah"...

 

she pin stripes the wall, which i don't like.  but over all the palette is nice. the accesories are nice, though i would have rather had a shiny mirror where those stupid viva terra looking wood panels are.

and i see the mirror to the left of the wood things. i just don't like it there. plus i hate shit in groups of 3. fuck you.

love love love that huge framed canvas.

emily's apartment is the best.

it's well executed.

but here is a tip for you hgtv!

stop photographing these spaces at night.

the articficial light is killing them.

 

on to michael.

he picks neens for his client:

besides the stupid cut outs painted pink this room wasn't horrible...

the bedroom, not so much...

too small rug on an angle..

those weird mirrored alien heads..

it just looks like a dorm room to me.

not at all sophisticated or rich.

instead cheap and dickeating.

 

emily is clearly the winner here.

her rooms have been effortless and layered and rich and inviting.

yes and thank you.

 

 her show:

watch it fuckers.

 

 

design turd episode 9: NOT a diarrhea milkshake

finally.

the turds relinquish their turd status.

there is pretty here today people.

pretty i tell you!!!!

with the exception of mandice's clam diggers of course...

first of all fangtonio, last season's winner shows up.

 genevieve can't stop staring.."what is different here?" she says to herself.

"SHITFARTS!  his fangs are gone!!!"

thank you LA dentist wherever you are.

then...

the judges tell the turds that they each get to design their own glass room using their show idea as their inspiration.

casey's show idea was something about using existing furniture to create a great space.

michael said something about helping people just starting out.

emily wants to do rooms based on people's outfits.

 

i am going to go ahead and tell you that casey goes home.

i tell you this now so that you can join me in my confusion.

personally i think michael should have gone...

i enjoyed casey's space. a lot.

here is michael's "dorm room"...

 he built a murphy bed, which is pretty cool. but that's kinda where the cool ends..

the furniture doesn' t make sense to me.

it looks as though the person living here made do.

i think it's the desk and desk chair that is throwing me.

they don't belong in this space.

and that tire rim table is just ugly.

there isn't enough here. 

he should have spend less time on the murphy bed, which admittedly took him the better part of the 2 days, and concentrated on the room as a whole.

 

then there's emily's room.

hands down the best of the bunch.

good job emily.

prouds.

it looks like someone actually lives here.

the furniture works so well together and the color palette is yummy.

she got everything right.

the scale, the editing, the concept...which was this dress:

well done.

you win.

 

then casey's space:

i really liked it.

there are a few things that don't make sense to me.

like the column tables.

and the floor's finish.

her style is a little more refined and modern.

i wish she would have gone with a darker floor...like ebonized!!

i think it would have made that cool rug and persimmon red wall pop like miley's cherry,

as well as giving it a richer feel.

and i think there should have been a little more..emily nailed that aspect.

what did you all think?

i really thought it would be between emily and casey...

the host reels all kinda sucked.

michael was obnoxious.

casey was boring.

and emily had laryngitis and lacked focus.

this is really neither here nor there bc at the end of the day their shows will be written and produced and they will have plenty of opportunity to hone their hosting skills and practice not sucking. 

perhaps it was casey's outfit that got her sent home.

what is that?!

thoughts?

 

design turd episode 8: repurpose reuse recycle reshart

here we are.

episode 8.

here's to hoping for a triple elimination next week so i can get back to looking at things that don't suck.

 

alright, so this week hopes were high that the turds each had their own room to decorate.

nope.

teams of 2.

the turds got a call from vern to go to some fancy restaurant and eat breakfast together.

then vern shows up in a sweatshirtblazer to tell them they had to design a dining room inspired by the meal they just ate. (which consisted of tropical fruit salad, heuvos rancheros, empanadas and tamales)

but that's not all!!

the room they were using was full of furniture and it was their job to reuse what was there.

then mandice showed up in another mancoat:

here is one of the spaces before:

we'll call it grandma's dusky beaver..

the other space was basically the same only more masculine.

we'll call it grandpa's musty nutsack.

there isn't a picture.

but use your imagination.

 

 

 

here's some inspiration:

you with me?

awesome.

so team granny is emily (huevos rancheros) and michael (tropical fruit salad).

here is their dining room:

kind of a snooze.

not sure who decided to tie those curtains back like that but i fucking hate it.

why couldn't they have let them hang??

it would have framed the window so much better.

emily made this groovy light fixture.

i have to give her props for this...though i don't see huevos rancheros...thank god??

up close it looks a little shoddy but the concept is brills.

she took fake flowers and glued them to the shade and then spray painted it all white to mimic porcelain.

while diy shit like this generally makes me want to vom i can appreciate homegirls efforts to make a statement fixture without the means to buy anything.

michael also did something awesome...

he took an existing mirror and glued a bunch of broken up granny tchochke angel head crap to it.

this is the result:

painting it black was a mistake simply bc you can't see the details..

and not very fruit salady either....thank god??

 

this scenario could have been better had they put more shit in it and opened the doors. the concept of taking ugly knick knacks and spray painting them was great..

curious...

where did the cole and son woods wallpaper come from?  pretty sure it wasn't inside granny's beaver....or...was....it? 

 

team grandpa was casey (tamale) and court (empanadas):

apart from courtland's very cool sconces made out of copper piping and a light bulb this room sucks buttholes.

the OBVIOUS eyesore being that fucking orange faux finished wall (i guess this is the empanada sauce?)

with the cheap looking folk art hanging on it..

and did they use the leftover eggplant paint from last weeks tuscan kitchen challenge?

yes, i see you too stupid fucking washboard hanging between the windows.

with all that dark brick why on EARTH would you go dark purple and dark stain and dark cabinet?

oh. and casey did the ottoman..or did....she??

 

 

here are your bottom 2:

 courtland goes home to his "girlfriend".

not sure why michael is there.

but i really don't fucking care at this point.

my guess is casey wins.