emily wins as was predicted by anybody with half a brain.
mandice showed up wearing gauchos and the more intelligent half of my brain melted..
yep. gauchos.
you cannot get the gauchos' true fashion-y-ness unless the legs are slightly askew..
that's better mandice.
you've gotta give your penis some breathing room.
ok.
final 2.
emily and michael.
challenge:
15,000 dollars each to make over a one bedroom apartment.
the client is a past contestant of their choosing.
emily chooses tom:
so based on tom's outfit and overall sense of style emily gives us a "polished, modern, luxurious..blah blah blah"...
she pin stripes the wall, which i don't like. but over all the palette is nice. the accesories are nice, though i would have rather had a shiny mirror where those stupid viva terra looking wood panels are.
and i see the mirror to the left of the wood things. i just don't like it there. plus i hate shit in groups of 3. fuck you.
love love love that huge framed canvas.
emily's apartment is the best.
it's well executed.
but here is a tip for you hgtv!
stop photographing these spaces at night.
the articficial light is killing them.
on to michael.
he picks neens for his client:
besides the stupid cut outs painted pink this room wasn't horrible...
with the exception of mandice's clam diggers of course...
first of all fangtonio, last season's winner shows up.
genevieve can't stop staring.."what is different here?" she says to herself.
"SHITFARTS! his fangs are gone!!!"
thank you LA dentist wherever you are.
then...
the judges tell the turds that they each get to design their own glass room using their show idea as their inspiration.
casey's show idea was something about using existing furniture to create a great space.
michael said something about helping people just starting out.
emily wants to do rooms based on people's outfits.
i am going to go ahead and tell you that casey goes home.
i tell you this now so that you can join me in my confusion.
personally i think michael should have gone...
i enjoyed casey's space. a lot.
here is michael's "dorm room"...
he built a murphy bed, which is pretty cool. but that's kinda where the cool ends..
the furniture doesn' t make sense to me.
it looks as though the person living here made do.
i think it's the desk and desk chair that is throwing me.
they don't belong in this space.
and that tire rim table is just ugly.
there isn't enough here.
he should have spend less time on the murphy bed, which admittedly took him the better part of the 2 days, and concentrated on the room as a whole.
then there's emily's room.
hands down the best of the bunch.
good job emily.
prouds.
it looks like someone actually lives here.
the furniture works so well together and the color palette is yummy.
she got everything right.
the scale, the editing, the concept...which was this dress:
well done.
you win.
then casey's space:
i really liked it.
there are a few things that don't make sense to me.
like the column tables.
and the floor's finish.
her style is a little more refined and modern.
i wish she would have gone with a darker floor...like ebonized!!
i think it would have made that cool rug and persimmon red wall pop like miley's cherry,
as well as giving it a richer feel.
and i think there should have been a little more..emily nailed that aspect.
what did you all think?
i really thought it would be between emily and casey...
the host reels all kinda sucked.
michael was obnoxious.
casey was boring.
and emily had laryngitis and lacked focus.
this is really neither here nor there bc at the end of the day their shows will be written and produced and they will have plenty of opportunity to hone their hosting skills and practice not sucking.
perhaps it was casey's outfit that got her sent home.
here's to hoping for a triple elimination next week so i can get back to looking at things that don't suck.
alright, so this week hopes were high that the turds each had their own room to decorate.
nope.
teams of 2.
the turds got a call from vern to go to some fancy restaurant and eat breakfast together.
then vern shows up in a sweatshirtblazer to tell them they had to design a dining room inspired by the meal they just ate. (which consisted of tropical fruit salad, heuvos rancheros, empanadas and tamales)
but that's not all!!
the room they were using was full of furniture and it was their job to reuse what was there.
then mandice showed up in another mancoat:
here is one of the spaces before:
we'll call it grandma's dusky beaver..
the other space was basically the same only more masculine.
we'll call it grandpa's musty nutsack.
there isn't a picture.
but use your imagination.
here's some inspiration:
you with me?
awesome.
so team granny is emily (huevos rancheros) and michael (tropical fruit salad).
here is their dining room:
kind of a snooze.
not sure who decided to tie those curtains back like that but i fucking hate it.
why couldn't they have let them hang??
it would have framed the window so much better.
emily made this groovy light fixture.
i have to give her props for this...though i don't see huevos rancheros...thank god??
up close it looks a little shoddy but the concept is brills.
she took fake flowers and glued them to the shade and then spray painted it all white to mimic porcelain.
while diy shit like this generally makes me want to vom i can appreciate homegirls efforts to make a statement fixture without the means to buy anything.
michael also did something awesome...
he took an existing mirror and glued a bunch of broken up granny tchochke angel head crap to it.
this is the result:
painting it black was a mistake simply bc you can't see the details..
and not very fruit salady either....thank god??
this scenario could have been better had they put more shit in it and opened the doors. the concept of taking ugly knick knacks and spray painting them was great..
curious...
where did the cole and son woods wallpaper come from? pretty sure it wasn't inside granny's beaver....or...was....it?
team grandpa was casey (tamale) and court (empanadas):
apart from courtland's very cool sconces made out of copper piping and a light bulb this room sucks buttholes.
the OBVIOUS eyesore being that fucking orange faux finished wall (i guess this is the empanada sauce?)
with the cheap looking folk art hanging on it..
and did they use the leftover eggplant paint from last weeks tuscan kitchen challenge?
yes, i see you too stupid fucking washboard hanging between the windows.
with all that dark brick why on EARTH would you go dark purple and dark stain and dark cabinet?
i think i would rather peel off my skin with a dull vegetable peeler than watch one more minute of this bullshit "design" show. let alone recap it for you.
but i feel i must at least see it through.
some interesting information came to fruition this week.
we find out courtland is married.
yeah but, probably the same way corky st. clair was married to "bonnie" in waiting for guffman..
also..
my old boss john gidding graced us with his harvard architecturalness
he was filling in for mandice..
remember when he used to be on friends?
he said more than mandice.
that's about it.
oh...and he's prettier than genevieve.
here's some of his harvard architecture grad....architecture:
ugly neat, huh?
ok...so the turds had to design a kitchen for a sears photo shoot.
awesome, right??
yeah, except they had to base the design on a fucking basket of food.
yes, each team had to pick between french, tropical or italian.
no..really..LOOK:
french basket
italian basket
terrible basket
team 1: alex, michael and casey picked the french basket
team 2: courtland and emily picked the italian basket
terrible basket used for comedy purposes.
there was no terrible basket.
literally anyway.
big expectations for emily since she is a photo stylist and shit...
foreshadowing ya'll.
so then each turd had to pick one food item from each basket to serve as their personal inspiration.
emily chose garlic.
courtland chose parmesan cheese.
he couldn't wait to parmesan cheese up the wall, faux finish style.
pretty sure he got a boner for gidding a woman over it.
here is their finished kitchen:
and, no surprise, the losing kitchen.
cabinet choice color= terrible.
purple painted island= double terrible.
courtland's fauxnish= triple terrible
if this was supposed to be "old worldy" italian why not go with some old worldy tiles?
instead of the pale taupey white tiles?
and why not a painted cabinet?
and maybe some open shelving?
perhaps something like this?
over on the french basket team..
casey chose baguette.
michael chose escargot.
and alex chose the corkscrew.
here is their finished kitchen:
better. but still buttsucking.
the winner was casey bc the judges could see her baguette within the colors and textures.
i think she just got lucky bc bread just so happens to be white and beige.
i have no idea where the corkscrew or the escargot came into play.
but it is definitely the color of baguette!!!
in fact sears should just call this kitchen "the baguette kitchen".
as in...
sears person: oh...i see you are shopping for a kitchen...can i interest you in the baguette kitchen?
you: what do i look like, a fucking boring douchebag with zero design sense?
aaaaand scene.
so the bottom 2 were alex for his lack of corkscrew and emily bc apparently she should have styled the room better.
now it's up to the host reels.
both were cute.
emily was all self deprecating and humble.
alex was somewhat retarded-ish.
(but in a great retarded way, bc i love retarded people for they are awesome, smart and really really cool)
according to the judges emily's was cuter and more watchable.
although joey john thought it wasn't very cute of emily to make fun of stuff bc someone watching could see it and do it and then you, emily, just made them feel stupid!! way to go emily.
so alex goes home.
also i thought you should see some of vern's work.
in case you hadn't.
he is a judge after all...
oh..i'm sorry. i didn't see that you were eating.
at least now i know what to do with all of fiona's cut out snowflakes.
