RHOATL666- the worst recap ever for the worst show ever..

 i may have said it before, but this show makes me truly embarrassed to be from atlanta.

well, let me rephrase that...it makes me sad to think that this is a representation of atlanta women.

there, that's more accurate.

you ready?

ready for pathetic whores on parade?

ready for moose stampedes?

ready for nasty phaedra?

ready for more indication that these bitches ALL hate each others guts?

i hope so.

here we go...

 

kim and kandi have some kind of bullshit terrible show to do in miami.

cynthia has a fashion show to do in miami.

the girls decide to make a trip out of it and celebrate cynthia's pending wedding to that thug, peter.

kandi and kim take a tour bus down to miami.

 nene wants to be on the bus.

 

buses are terrible always and forever.

when you can avoid being on a bus, do so. 

 

of course nene and kim have a fight..

as usual nene threatens to beat kim's face in..

 

nene violates everyones personal space with her big ET finger..

the issue was that kim brought sweetie, her personal assistant.

it was supposed to be just the girls (the girls who clearly all hate one another)...

this angered the moose and she retalliated as only a moose can do.

with violence and aggression.

moose's are scary motherfuckers.

kim, too drunk for reflexes musters a, "ge'chuur feenger owa my face n e e n e e e e!"

nene then called sweetie a slave.

the scooby gang caught wind of this upon arrival. 

 

kandi threw around her usual stinkeye..

which translates to 'why in the hell do i hang around with such hoodrats?'.

fly above kandi.  fly above. 

 

kim tries to convince herself that she doesn't treat sweetie like a slave..

some one else did that too...

sweetie tells us she couldn't be a slave bc she gets paid.

(in cigarettes)

was anyone else uncomfortable with the world slave?

it made me cringe.

nene and her big moose balls.

 

 

once inside kim gives this guy a beej..

to say thanks for letting me and these ungrateful bitches crash at your creepy place for a few days.

kim makes no bones about thinking this guy is attractive.

that's bc she wants us to think she WANTS to give this guy tons of beej's instead of HAS to give this guy tons on beej's.

 

 

after a few meals filled with awkward silence and more moose outbursts, the girls head out to cynthia's fashion show

cynthia is stunningly beautiful..

 

but she is super sad on the inside..

my guess is that it's bc she doesn't love peter.

but we soon discover it's bc peter is broke. 

the pretty girl knows she can do better than broke.

 

here's how the rest of the show goes..

nene: let's just leave.

cynthia: ok.

nene: no, really i think we should just change our flights and leave.

cynthia: yeah..ok...i do have some things to do..

 

she by sheree: LEAVE?!?  ain't nobody leavin'!  we came down here for YOU.

cynthia: yeah. ok..i'll stay.

phaedra: i got some hot sexy strippers comin' tonight and i ain't gonna miss some giant dick all up in my face.

kim: beej beej beej

 

then phaedra gets nasty with her stripper friends. 

equally nasty i might add.

sweaty guys flinging their dicks around is not sexytimes for me personally.

after it's all said and done cynthia says thank you for making her stay, she ended up having fun for 2 minutes.

which is better than zero minutes i guess.

 

scenes for the season finale indicate that perhaps cynthia leaves peter at the altar (the fernbank dinosaur museum altar). seriously. it's a dinosaur museum.

 

let the discussion begin.

 

things

 this delights me:

to no end.

thank you windsor smith for being awesome. 

 

and

equally delightful but not nearly as classy:

rhoatl's kim zolciak's laser fat removal pizza party


how come i haven't been recapping this shit?!

eating pizza while a magic laser erases your fat?!

duh.

i'm in.

 

interesting fact:

sheree's new agents at the people store are my agents too.

why yes.

i am excited for the day when we are up for the same part.

 

question for you.

what percentage of you are interested in housewives recaps?

i ask only bc recapping these shows takes a tremendous amount of time and effort and i don't want to do it if you could give a shit.

(i will probably still do it anyway)


love and laser farts,

it's been a long time coming...

RHOATL!!!!!!!

episode 1:

drag queen sheree is taking an acting class...

 she's terrible.

they all are.

 

 

kim's a lez...

nene axed kim to come over to discuss her lezzy ways.

 

at nene's there is backfat..

kim discusses how she "connected" with her woman friend.

even though she has "been chasing dick since coming out of the womb".  well put slutface.

we also learn that nene and greg's marriage is rocky. 

and that dwight loaned greg 10,000$$.  

and that dwight's nose is fake..and sewn shut?  

kind of like my pooper was after i ripped from cooter to a-hole after giving birth?

 

ironically nene shares this tidbit with us in pre and post rhinoplasty shots...

glass houses and black kettles nene! 

 

 

kandi arrives at kim's and kandi wanna know why she still frenz wi'nene??!!

she also wanna know why she all up in that piznussy!!??

 

kandi and her new football player boyfriend willis mchhgshgggsomething go rock climbing.

who comes up with this shit?

 

 

kim and her daughter brielle discuss boys all the while brielle is eating ice cream with her mouth open and she has braces and i have to avert my eyes so i don't throw up...

 

newcomer phaedra is cute as button.  a pretentious little brown button.

she is pregs. 

and adorable.

and pretentious.

did i mention that?

she is a lawyer. 

and from what i gather a spitfire that would fuck your shit up.

she and no-nose appear to be close.

they are eating giant pregnant size portions of carrot cake (at which point i have to rewind 3 times bc i can't stop thinking about the goddamn cake and how i want to shove my face in it) and discussing how dwight spent 30,000 dollars of his own money to help sheree put on a fashion show for her collection last season.

i find this bit of information to be completely and utterly ridiculous.

what kind of donkey spends 30,000 dollars of their own money on someone else's fashion show?

if this is true dwight is a dumbass and doesn't deserve to be paid back.

but i highly doubt any of it's true.

phaedra discusses the difference between her and nene, whom she has known since they were girls.

it is very "i am up here you are down there".

phaedra doesn't think nene is much of a lady.

no phaedra i don't think so either..more like a sasquatch.

 

meanwhile nene confronts greg about the 10,000 dollars conspiracy.

greg  say it was 500 dollahs.

nene say she just glad to have the facts fo a change.

is it offensive that i am typing the words as i hear them in my head?

i don't care.

ebonics is cool.

 

all the housebitches show up to some weird shoe party..

 

nene confronts dwight and it turns into a lot of closetalking and faceeating.

i was hoping nene would scrape the wax off of dwight's face, with her teeth.

or dwight would spray moose repellent.

sadly none of that happened.

then everyone leaves the lame shoe party.

and then a car barrels down peachtree st. and runs all of these dumb drag queens over.

 

the trouble with harry

 i promise we are not becoming a cat blog with pun-ny titles.

but i have to tell you just how hogwarts this cat really is.

without any prompting or teaching from me, harry potter went into nicolas' poop box and went number 1.  

then right before i went to bed he went number 2, in the box.

i am one of those people who gets a little unnerved when good things happen to me bc i am certain that something terrible is right around the corner.  like this is just god's way of saying, yeah enjoy this now bc your house is about to burn down.

do any of you suffer this way?

let's collectively say outloud..

"i/you deserve this awesome cat/gift without any conditions".

yay praying!!!

 

 

RHODC.

i'm done.

maybe.

 

besides, there's this happening:

and clearly this shit will take all of my available abilities to recap.

 

RHOATL recap coming soon.

 

also.

it's cold here.

what what?

yes, i see that 80 degree friday and it does not pump me up.