design star- they shoot horses don't they?

sorry for the delay my people. 

these recaps take time and i got no time sometimes.

word.

 

so..

this week is just chock full of terrible design and sad, ugly surprises.

but then i guess every week is isn't it?

 

starting with the release of my beloved cathy out to pasture...

 

look closely..

 

don't cry cathy. 

 

 

 this time the turds have to design a wedding reception in 2 days.


The Bride: 

contradiction.

 

 

The Groom:

 this spells divorce.

 

 

once again cathy is on her high horse and begins spouting off all of her wedding design credentials:

3 weddings not including her own plus the wedding design distinction of wedding design wedding emmy.

president of weddings

 

 

cathy persuades forces everyone to let her be in charge of the bride and groom table..

and then she licks her salt rock.

 

 

karl, kevin and mark are in charge of the not victorian gentleman's lounge..

 

karl thinks it's dumb to have a disjointed mid century style lounge area at a victorian themed wedding.

duh. it is. 

but the bride wanted an orange and yellow victorian glamour shots room,

and the groom likes skateboards and crooners.

 

so there's that obstacle.

 

if it were me i wouldn't have taken what they wanted so literally.

i would have nodded and been like...mmhhmm...skateboards..cool...ohh...uhh huh...orange and yellow..mmhmm....colors..

 

then i would have made a real pretty wedding reception and dina manzo's brain would have exploded into a thousand tiny, gay wedding planners and they all would have hi'fived me.

 

anway..

kevin don't care..

he's just excited that he can do more 50's kitsch and mark just wants to build something out of skateboards.

 

 

depsite his best efforts to creep everyone out..

 

karl says fuck this shit..i'm gonna go ruin a flower arrangement. 

 

 

mark sketches out some dumb skateboard hanging ladder of stupidness..

 victorian skateboard ladder.

of stupidness.

 

lord bromstuff shows up for the camera challenges..

these camera challenges are just getting way outta hand...

 

 

leslie has a stroke...

 

meg poops her pants...

 

and then it's back to making everything look more terrible..

 

 meg makes flower trophies..

how many times did that shit get knocked over?

answer: 1000

 

 

kellie makes a giant orange victorian spider...

scary.

 

 

leslie draped some fabric over a table and lit a candle..

i will cut her some slack since that was probably all she could manage with her new stroke arm.

 

and

 

karl proved that you can make flowers look ugly..

 

the turds cut it close time wise bc of all the table setting and shit clearing.

 

there is stampeding..

careful meg.  don't knock over the flower arrangements.  or everything else.

 

time for judging..

 

dina manzo is beside herself with disgust.

this shit would never happen at the brownstone. 

 

 

the winner this week was mark with his lighting smarts and skateboard ladder building...

 turning asian.

 

asian head bow of gratitude.

 

 

the loser is cathy with her weak bride and groom table..

whatever..it's not worse than that lame asian skateboard ladder.

or the prom meet and greet table that leslie fashioned out of an indain sari.

 

cathy straight up left bc no one liked her.

end of story.

 

well, and there was no way anyone could have looked into those giant orbs for too long without feeling extremely uncomfortable.

 

 

 

 

design turd: mosaic turds

day 1-

 

new jersey cul de sac.

 

the challenge:

decorate some poor bastard's house.

there are 2 houses and therefore 2 poor bastards.

 

5 turds to 1 house.

 

poor bastard 1:

"i want something that doesn't suck bawls"

 

poor bastard #2:

"i want something that my kids can play in but looks like an adult space and doesn't suck bawls"

 

too bad bastards!!

 

EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS!

 

cathy does the horses share of the shopping for her and brett and karl's room.

she buys a travertine topped table and some other ugly shit.

"travertine=global perspective".

 

chomp chomp chomp

 

 karl is all..i wanna shop too..  

 

karl and brett are over that bitch cathy..

"i'm so over that bitch cathy"

 

and cathy's all...

"whatchoo talkin bout karl? emmy emmy emmy..neigh.."

 

 

day 75

 

 

karl gets his way..

"don't worry bout it i'm just gonna smash em up and make the ugliest shit you ever saw"

 

 

mark and doug are fightin over paint and life..

fake smiles in a sea of vomit.

 

mark is all...

"i have a deep connection with nature and raw materials"

 

speaking of raw vaginas..

grab the (my) vagina, mark...grab the vagina..

 

 

and then kevin was all...

"just put me in the basement where i belong" 

 

 

 


and then meg was all..

"my style is vintage palm beach" 

 

and i was all excited thinking..

oooooo like this?

 

and this???

 

 and she was all..

no like this..

 

 and i was all..

 

 

and then leslie was all... 

 "i'm a lesbian"

and i was all..

don't you mean a les-LI-bian?

 

and then she mistook paint for putty, spilling it all over the new carpet

and fiona was all...

 

 

 and then bromstad showed up and i wanted to peel my face off my skull bones..

 

actually he seems super nice..

 

 

 

and then the novogratzs showed up...

and that shit got serious.

 

you should know that no footage exists of the novogratzs actually liking anything they saw.

 

 

here is why...

(brace yourselves)

it's seriously the WORST PART ABOUT THAT KITCHEN!!! 

just because you can do mosaic doesn't mean you should do mosiac. 

 

 

why is everything the color of cat puke and vagina?

 

 

totally. 

 

 

 would you like some tea with your throw up?

 

 

 

worst rug in the universe. 

 

 

angled rugs + pillows on the floor = poop.

 

 

murder.

 

 

sarah richardson is somewhere touching herself.

 

the best by a mile.

it's insipid but it doesn't offend me. 

 

oddly enough tweedleturd won with this: 

murder corner.

 

 

and doug lost with his vagina wall.

 

 

someone wake me up when it's down to mark and karl.

 

 

design star and cat vom. same thing.

last night i woke up at 3 am and had to clean huge piles of technicolor cat puke off my floor and bed.

and it TOTALLY reminded me of design star!!!!

 

 

art imitates life!

 

 

 

 

this week the turds had the dreaded white box challenge...

box of whiteness


this is only considered  "dreaded" bc they have to decorate their tiny, white rooms with stupid shit.

in this case, stupid shit from a stupid restaurant supply store.

 

like..

water bottles..

fuck you ozone layer.

 

 

 

and apples..

horses love apples.

 

 

 i feel for the turds on this one...i really do.

i mean no one decorates real rooms in real life with shit from a restaurant supply store. 

not even a restaurant does.

 

so they have to be conceptual.

not functional.

aka HARD.

 

and dumb.

 

anyway...

here's my entry:

i call it 'ketchup krimes'.
 

 

mark had the winning room:

 and here's why..

he didn't try to make an ugly ass room out of peppercorns and spice mosaic.

he had a concept based on his grandfather's WWII hat and he made an art installation.

 

j had the losing room:

not sure why she lost over this..

 

but there it is.

 

showing you the rest of the rooms would be like raping your eyes with sticks dipped in salt, so i won't.

 

 instead i will entertain you with vagina analogies.

box=vagina. 

"i want when someone looks at my box.. to know without a doubt..that's kellie's box"

 

 

"my wow factor will be my fire box"

 

 

 

"day two and my box is still white"

 

 

 

 "my box reflects me..not only because it's a space i would probably live in but it's also very ordered, it's very.....simple"

 

 

thom filicia was the guest judge.

he made faces like this:

and this..

 

 and i made faces like this..

and this..

 

 

turd box,

design turd season who cares episode 1

 

 i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..

i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…

 

honey badger don't give a shit. 

 

i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.

they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!

 

this is the competition that beat out yours truly.

 

the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..

saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"

and

jenny: "what's that?"

turd 1: "an orange accent wall."

jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"

turd 1: "no."

jenny:  "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."

turd 2: "ok."

jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"

 

ok onto the recap.

 

 

the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..

tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds. 

 

the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...

 

 

which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:

 

 

everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.

but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..

 

then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..

 

here they are:

 

vomit.

 

don't tell me what to do.

double vomit.

 

 

 my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.

 

 

gay.

 

 

around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin. 

the room is chunky puke chunks.

 

 

 

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

nice shelf.

 

 

this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?

murder. 

 

 

 

the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.

 

 

imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.

 

LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-

IT'S DUMB.

THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.

PERIOD.

AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.

 

JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!

(cry cry cry)

 

 

 

and for the record..

 i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.

where are the antiques?

where is the pattern?  the texture?

the layering?

the lived in look?

 

and they had 3 days!!!

THREE DAYS!

 

 

can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?

and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?

do they really teach that shit to you in design school?

fire all of those people.

 

 

 

 

anyway..

dumb blanche went home.

but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.

or gave a shit.

 

 

also:

i predict this face happening a lot:

emmys emmys emmys!!