it has been pointed out to me...

Gabriela Eisenhart June 9, 2011

to say i am prettier is simply untrue.

thoughts?

million dollar doucherators.. recapping.

Gabriela Eisenhart June 8, 2011

ross and JAM in la jolla.

i want to punch ross in the nuts immediately.

does anyone else think this guy is a serial killer?

nathan

stop being so cute nathan.

back at la jolla. ross is still creeping.

"who needs awrt when you have a 300 yee old cahved panool?"

nathan and melissa shop for moroccan imports. and all i wanna do is jump through the fucking tv and and spray my scent all over everything.

this little corner in particular:

and then i see clay pots for $295 and i wanna punch ross in the nuts again.

note to decorators: if you stop buying pots for $295 people will stop selling pots for $295 dollars. it's called supply and demand.

and then there's the matter of a 50,000 dollar floor from spain that is to be installed in a house, on a CLIFF, in southern california. i hope she has awesome earthquake insurance.

back at the office that sir osbourne built:

ellen pom-pay-o has a gift.

martyn starts tongueing chocolates and i feel violated.

mary and the budget scene.

2 things here make me want to punch ross in the nuts.

1. her eyebrows and general forehead area.

2. her unwillingness to slash the budget and also again..her forehead.

and over at melissa's..

uh oh. broken tiles.

nathan is summoned to talk to john cougar mellencamp tracy about it.

back to

JAM and bread ross..

bed's not ready. ross's phone has giant numbers on it. nutpunch.

villa blanca?

kathryn and MLB. lunch at the vanderpumps.

i make no bones about the fact that i LOVE kathryn ireland. we both have enormous boobs and love to drink wine. instant scissor sisters.

martyn waxes on about his chocolate addiction and subsequent girth.

that bitch mary..

looking for antlers.

and a $2400 box the size of my butt (small and square) that is apparently, "a steal".

this is absurd..

yet..

for a brief moment i start to seize.

she is spending LOTS of money and i want to spend lots of money too.

especially other people's money.

the hypnotist's house.

chocolate in charge of our days and our nights.

i want

i want chocolate in charge of me.

the hypnosis begins and i will bet you kendra's house martyn has a giant boner.

back at rossy ross and cult JAM.

time to install the 8 million dollar bed.

the room is meh.

and the sink is too small. it looks fucking stupid.

small sinks are not "rich people sinks". they are stupid sinks.

or for small handed freaks.

over at kathryn's we get to watch her gum some chocolates.

meanwhile..

nathan tries to convince melissa that her tiles look amazing.

for 50,000 dollars?

i could have thrown some 1 dollar clay tiles on the ground, poured a little acid on them (or jacqueline's pee) and picked up 3 dudes on the corner of ponce and home depot to lay that shit down for about 500 dollars. and then i would have told you that they came from a 1000 year old villa in spain and you would have been all..."OMG that looks so uh-maaaa-zing!"

no lie.

the rest though?

i. die.

but isn't "bohemian moroccan" sort of redundant?

so is "bohemian ethnic".

i wanna lick your face right now.

back at casa kendra..

i want to deliver one final crushing blow to ross's nuts.

because..

larry (aka mary's lesbian assistant, nancy) decides to do things her way.

i would have keyed her subaru outback for not doing what i asked her to do.

mary, i understand why you are such a bitch.

you have to deal with a bunch of assholes who think they know more than you.

i grant you a perpetual bitch pass.

here's to hoping joran van der sloot aka ross doesn't murder anyone between now and next tuesday.

peace out billy bob.

million dollar doucherators

Gabriela Eisenhart June 1, 2011

meet the doucherators:

he is close with his celebrity clients..

and then..

her priorities are in check though:

and then..

JAM's boyfriend is ross and he is also JAM's business manager.

they're so nutty together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kathryn has a buhthday pahty.

inviting all the doucherators.

and then there's nathan..

my wish for this show is this:

less buthday pahty.

more decorating.

but some buthday pahty is ok.

wuhrd.

p.s. this show made me VERY proud of the fact that i decorated my house for around 15 dollars and it looks pretty good.

RHOATL666- the worst recap ever for the worst show ever..

Gabriela Eisenhart January 26, 2011

i may have said it before, but this show makes me truly embarrassed to be from atlanta.

well, let me rephrase that...it makes me sad to think that this is a representation of atlanta women.

there, that's more accurate.

you ready?

ready for pathetic whores on parade?

ready for moose stampedes?

ready for nasty phaedra?

ready for more indication that these bitches ALL hate each others guts?

i hope so.

here we go...

kim and kandi have some kind of bullshit terrible show to do in miami.

cynthia has a fashion show to do in miami.

the girls decide to make a trip out of it and celebrate cynthia's pending wedding to that thug, peter.

kandi and kim take a tour bus down to miami.

nene wants to be on the bus.

buses are terrible always and forever.

when you can avoid being on a bus, do so.

of course nene and kim have a fight..

as usual nene threatens to beat kim's face in..

nene violates everyones personal space with her big ET finger..

the issue was that kim brought sweetie, her personal assistant.

it was supposed to be just the girls (the girls who clearly all hate one another)...

this angered the moose and she retalliated as only a moose can do.

with violence and aggression.

moose's are scary motherfuckers.

kim, too drunk for reflexes musters a, "ge'chuur feenger owa my face n e e n e e e e!"

nene then called sweetie a slave.

the scooby gang caught wind of this upon arrival.

kandi threw around her usual stinkeye..

which translates to 'why in the hell do i hang around with such hoodrats?'.

fly above kandi. fly above.

kim tries to convince herself that she doesn't treat sweetie like a slave..

some one else did that too...

sweetie tells us she couldn't be a slave bc she gets paid.

(in cigarettes)

was anyone else uncomfortable with the world slave?

it made me cringe.

nene and her big moose balls.

once inside kim gives this guy a beej..

to say thanks for letting me and these ungrateful bitches crash at your creepy place for a few days.

kim makes no bones about thinking this guy is attractive.

that's bc she wants us to think she WANTS to give this guy tons of beej's instead of HAS to give this guy tons on beej's.

after a few meals filled with awkward silence and more moose outbursts, the girls head out to cynthia's fashion show

cynthia is stunningly beautiful..

but she is super sad on the inside..

my guess is that it's bc she doesn't love peter.

but we soon discover it's bc peter is broke.

the pretty girl knows she can do better than broke.

here's how the rest of the show goes..

nene: let's just leave.

cynthia: ok.

nene: no, really i think we should just change our flights and leave.

cynthia: yeah..ok...i do have some things to do..

she by sheree: LEAVE?!? ain't nobody leavin'! we came down here for YOU.

cynthia: yeah. ok..i'll stay.

phaedra: i got some hot sexy strippers comin' tonight and i ain't gonna miss some giant dick all up in my face.

kim: beej beej beej

then phaedra gets nasty with her stripper friends.

equally nasty i might add.

sweaty guys flinging their dicks around is not sexytimes for me personally.

after it's all said and done cynthia says thank you for making her stay, she ended up having fun for 2 minutes.

which is better than zero minutes i guess.

scenes for the season finale indicate that perhaps cynthia leaves peter at the altar (the fernbank dinosaur museum altar). seriously. it's a dinosaur museum.

let the discussion begin.

the camillculator. RHOBH recap

Gabriela Eisenhart December 20, 2010

camille grammer is a calculating bitch.

she is the "little professor"

she is a jacked up casio:

camille's calculations:

crazy psychic medium + alcohol = asshole time.

chef + pizza oven = delicious pizza.

rock of love bus sized martini glasses + alcohol + bitches = showdown.

this episode starts with the camillculator having lunch with fishface taylor.

(aware that camille is fishy in face as well)

this is also calculated.

no one actually likes camille.

anywhere in the universe.

but she has to tell someone that she wants to continue the drama in the form of a dinner party.

so fishface it is!

(fishface. duh.)

camille wants to have a dinner party with all the ladies present and a few of her closest ass kisser friends.

why?

here's why.

drama is what makes this show watchable.

without it it would be unwatchable.

so the whole episode revolves around this dinner party set up.

only camille realizes she needs a few people in her corner bc 100% of the other housewives think she is a calculating bitch with serious paranoid delusions about herself.

so the rest of the housewives agree are contractually obligated to go to this crazy bitch's house to drink her alcohol and hopefully poop on her floor.

there is no pooping but i'm sure if we had given kim enough time she would've:

(huh? where am i?)

after a few Precious sized drinks..

things just started to get weird.

first of all camille invites her "friend", allison dubois, a psychic medium.

she is the medium behind the show medium.

and not only can she talk to dead people, predict divorces and 'head tap' your ass..

she is also a gigantic cuntface...

at least kyle was smart enough to know that this whole dinner was going to be an ambush

and since kim's brain has escaped to witch mountain by way of quaaludes..

kyle knew better to bring her own back up friend.

that friend being faye resnik:

yeah, i didn't know who she was either.

apparently she was friends with nicole brown simpson.

big fucking deal.

now she's friends with kyle.

camille made a big stink about pretending to not know who she was but that she recognized her from somewhere...and then BLAMMO!

"ohiknowwhoyouareyouposedforplayboy!!!"

and faye was all:

and then she was all:

and kyle was all:

and kim was all:

and then stinky allison dubutthole dropped a psychic bomb on kyle saying something like her marriage sucked.

and kyle was all:

and camille was all:

and a calculator was all:

and then kim (still on witch mountain) picks a fight with fishface

and kyle gets the sadmads and then fishface stands up and says in her best self defense class voice,

"ENOUGH!!"

"ladies don't act like this".

and then they make their exodus.

but wait!

as if it couldn't get anymore sadlarious..

kyle sends kim home in a limo all by herself while kyle, lisa, fishy, adrienne and faye take a seperate limo to the BH hotel for more drinks.

the end.

this post was powered by giggy vanderpump:

RHODC recap episode 6

Gabriela Eisenhart September 20, 2010

cat and mary start out the show drinking wine and bonding over parenting at mary's house.

clearly i wasn't the only one who thought cat talked like she just got back from mouth surgery, british style.

bravo threw up fucking subtitles!!

and we also are witness to the ugliest shirt in the history of forever:

anyway...it's confirmed that lolly had nothing to do with douchetarq's allegations about the great polo heist.

elsewhere..

michaele and tareq want to buy a home in the city so they call the only real estate agent in DC..

stacie.

stacie shows up at the 4 seasons royal suite where the salahi's stay when they're in town.

and it is duuuumb!!!!

"we like to enjoy life" says T.

stacie is curious as to where the money is coming from.

little does stacie know that the douchers stay at the embassy suites near the airport when the cameras aren't on.