design star recap- LOL 4EVER!!

i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.

last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.

the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).

my underarms smell like onions.

and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.

we gots'to make this quick..

this week the turds are on the jersey shore..

the jersey shore

standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen

 the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free.  smart thinking semens!  maybe. 

the semens

cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???

once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.

meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..

kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?

"neeeigh!"

that means yes!

meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..

"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"

 just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..

they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..

look closely...inspiration is happening.

 leslie hangs some doormats..

brett gets a cute chair..

kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..

 cathy don't give a shit.

meg buys some ugly fabric..

karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..

seashore mural of dumbness

cathy hates life and kevin.. 

mark is making a rope ladder..

"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"

"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"

bret is losing..

no really.  he loses.

day 3.

the day of the bromstad.

as in on camera tip day.

as in i don't care day.

as in this is the worst part of this show.

as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.

as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.

day 3.5

judgement day.

vern and genevieve show up.

tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..

kathy ireland..

 since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..

it's called: swim meat

scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.

back to the judging..

kathy loves everything.

genevieve loves leslie's rugs.

vern loves sweaters.

collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:

it was my favorite too.

and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.

in its defense..

it was fun.

in its offensiveness..

it was still gimmicky.

in last place was bret and his headboard..

 whatever..

6 of one, a half dozen of the other.

6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..

6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.

turd love,

this shit just writes itself..

here you go dream analyzers..

what does it mean when you spill an ENTIRE BOX of kosher salt

but it's mixed with fennel seeds?

obviously an enormous amount of bad luck..

but

is it foreshaddowing to the type of bad luck?

is mario batali coming to beat me to death with one of his orange crocs?

(i could take him)

or is he coming to make magical love to me only to flatten me with his intense girth?

i hope i never have to find out. (maybe)

what about this for obvious..

me and nene leakes wuz workin in the most popular store in the mall and we were obviously best friends for life..

until she ROLLER SKATED AWAY FROM ME!!  

i roller skated after her but just kept getting lost.

i went through the food court grabbing up samples as i quickly and cutely skated by..

i kept thinking how the cool mall air felt so good against my skin as i whipped around.

but everytime i thought about what i was skating after i got real sad.

i never found nene.

i just woke up.

seriously..

that is one for the dream books if i ever did hear.

anyway..

 thanks for the nice comments yesterday.

you totally redeemed yourselves.

you might not realize but i actually read your comments, love your comments and take your comments to heart!

i consider you all my friends.

and some of you have offered me really great advice that i needed to get through tough times.

and i will absolutely think of the most awesome giveway in the universe to repay you for your kindness.

and to nancy who said: "stop begging for comments it is beneath you"...

i say to YOU..

i shovel month old, stale, SAVORY GARLIC flavored crackers through nutella and throw them into my mouth repeatedly throughout the day..

nothing is beneath me. 

as for your turd recap..

it's coming.

i have 2 deadlines this week, plus a little girl who is up in my grill every 4 seconds.

i will deliver it to you impatient bitches in a few hours.

so unless you wanna start paying me money to write this shit (it takes at least 5 hours to write one of these recaps)

i suggest you simmer down.

dreamy anger farts,

design star and cat vom. same thing.

last night i woke up at 3 am and had to clean huge piles of technicolor cat puke off my floor and bed.

and it TOTALLY reminded me of design star!!!!

art imitates life!

this week the turds had the dreaded white box challenge...

box of whiteness

this is only considered  "dreaded" bc they have to decorate their tiny, white rooms with stupid shit.

in this case, stupid shit from a stupid restaurant supply store.

like..

water bottles..

fuck you ozone layer.

and apples..

horses love apples.

 i feel for the turds on this one...i really do.

i mean no one decorates real rooms in real life with shit from a restaurant supply store. 

not even a restaurant does.

so they have to be conceptual.

not functional.

aka HARD.

and dumb.

anyway...

here's my entry:

i call it 'ketchup krimes'.
 

mark had the winning room:

 and here's why..

he didn't try to make an ugly ass room out of peppercorns and spice mosaic.

he had a concept based on his grandfather's WWII hat and he made an art installation.

j had the losing room:

not sure why she lost over this..

 

but there it is.

showing you the rest of the rooms would be like raping your eyes with sticks dipped in salt, so i won't.

 instead i will entertain you with vagina analogies.

box=vagina. 

"i want when someone looks at my box.. to know without a doubt..that's kellie's box"

"my wow factor will be my fire box"

"day two and my box is still white"

 "my box reflects me..not only because it's a space i would probably live in but it's also very ordered, it's very.....simple"

thom filicia was the guest judge.

he made faces like this:

and this..

 and i made faces like this..

and this..

turd box,

design turd season who cares episode 1

 i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..

i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…

honey badger don't give a shit. 

i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.

they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!

this is the competition that beat out yours truly.

the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..

saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"

and

jenny: "what's that?"

turd 1: "an orange accent wall."

jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"

turd 1: "no."

jenny:  "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."

turd 2: "ok."

jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"

ok onto the recap.

the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..

tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds. 

the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...

which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:

everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.

but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..

then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..

here they are:

vomit.

don't tell me what to do.

double vomit.

 my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.

gay.

around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin. 

the room is chunky puke chunks.

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

nice shelf.

this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?

murder. 

the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.

imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.

LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-

IT'S DUMB.

THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.

PERIOD.

AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.

JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!

(cry cry cry)

and for the record..

 i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.

where are the antiques?

where is the pattern?  the texture?

the layering?

the lived in look?

and they had 3 days!!!

THREE DAYS!

can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?

and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?

do they really teach that shit to you in design school?

fire all of those people.

anyway..

dumb blanche went home.

but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.

or gave a shit.

also:

i predict this face happening a lot:

emmys emmys emmys!!

verndetta...(so much better than a vengina- but still involving vaginas)

this blog is about to get real-er..

the gloves are coming off this year..

as in i am going to draw my period all over everyone..

ladyfire, 

when words aren't enough..

i am floored at the number of comments left on my behalf over the last few days.

and all of them positive.

like real positive.

this blog had almost 7,000 hits yesterday.

that is a freakshow number.

i don't want to say too much, bc frankly, i can't think of the right words.

it's weird saying thank you on a blog anyway..

bc it just doesn't ever sound sincere.

i don't want to be funny here, or silly..

i just want to say i am....high.

that's the best way to describe this feeling.

and who doesn't like to feel high?

in a few hours i am going to pick up my best girl molly and we are heading out to kick candice in the crotch!

(and i mean that in a loving blow her socks off way..)

video tape of experience to follow.

another peek:

 

real love,