working on the recap + a downton abbey rap video (yes i am) is busy..buis..ness?
anyway..it's time consuming and hard.
so in the meantime here is a ladycave for us all to pretend we watch this show together in..
no boys allowed.
unless your newell. dressed as lord grantham.
he'd be way into it.
also, i am going to meet with my agents today to discuss why i'm not famous yet.
and this:
wow.
bet you didn't know that croutons were a powerful talisman against ghosts.
i'll also bet you didn't know that viv was going to die in childbirth.
at least not until you realized it about half way through.
ready to ferret out the fairies?
toss some croatoans in your salad and let's begin!
the year is 1984.
constance is fast asleep in a scotch dream watching newhart..
(who wasn't?)
tater tot is running around playing with a tonka truck..
when the basement door opens.
uh oh..
we know what's down there don't we?
at least ONE hogwarts goblin.
tate takes his tonka truck down the stairs
and proceeds to lose it under some scary shit.
he crawls around to try and retrieve it..
there it sits to the right of the screen..
to the left is a giant gaping hole of black nothingness.
out pops thaddeus aka the hogwarts goblin aka frankenbaby aka a dwarf actor destined to always play scary motherfuckers or elves.
thad reaches for tate's face..
at which point nora appears and grabs little tate and says, "NO THADDEUS!!"
nora tells tate that all he ever has to do is to say 'go away' and all creepy people will do just that.
she then tells him that life is too short for such sorrow.
cut to a bunch of years later..
nora is crying in a room upstairs..
grown up tate is telling her that life is too short for such sorrow.
IN YER FACE NORA!
but she's crying bc she wants those babies.
tate's like..umm...no can do nora.. i love violet so i won't do anything to upset her.
nora's like..
F you that baby is mine.
meanwhile..
ben is dragging violet out of the house to go pick viv up from the hospital.
violet cries a lot.
ben throws her in the back seat and tells her to lay down.
violet's like..nope..
poof!
look at me i'm up in the window.
a few moments later the forever teens are on 'U-tube' and discussing teen stuff..
like, my parents will go crazy once they find out how dead i am.
they can't know..
and
we'll never have babies bc we're dead.
cut to the gayyyyys..
making nursery magic happen with some high gloss red..
and then RUINING IT with some krafty kid's potato project.
i was way into the minty green and red color scheme until they fucked that shit up with those bullshit 1992
potato animal stamps.
what gay in their right gay mind would ever do something so heinous?!!
violet and tate come in and ask them how to steal shit out of their asses.
or something.
chad tells them they won't be stealing shit.
instead they will be stealing babies.
violet runs to smoke and tell constance about this.
constance is like no one is stealing my grandbaby.
cut to constance up in the nursery with chad..
it goes like this:
constance: chad?
chad: bitch?
constance: gay people are gross.
chad: your hair is gross.
constance: you're not natural.
chad: your face isn't natural!!!
constance: my vagina is the mother of all holes.
chad: so i smell.
constance: you can have baby #2, bc baby #1 is my grandson.
chad: fuck that noise.
constance: you're not fit to raise children, look at these dumb potato stamps.
chad: hahaha guess what stupid??
we're going to kill them while they're still cute and make decorative stamps with their stumps.
scene.
cut to an episode of celebrity ghost stories.
the re-enactment.
billie ray psychic is in the house 'splainin how to go about removing ghosts.
constance just homophobes all over everyone.
something about indians and croutons and personal belongings.
this shit is so dumb.
at the hospital the doctor comes in and tells viv and ben that she best be on bed rest bc one of those babies is pretty much eating the other one.
and it wants ouuuuutttt!!!!
viv is paddling up denial river.
tate and violet are on a scooby chase to get patrick's gay ring and chad's gay watch.
tate, of course, has to try to get a beej out of it.
patrick tells tate he should have tried to get to know him before he shoved a fire poker up his ass.
then proceeds to beat him severely around the face.
he mentions during the beating that it is tate's fault he's stuck there with a man he doesn't love.
man=chad.
sads.
chad hears this and decides that he doesn't want to be my two dads anymore
so he goes to the basement and throws everything in the incinerator.
* i swear to god if the incinerator is like some hell portal i will be super pissed.
unless it's a portal to the glee high school.
then that would be cool.
meanwhile viv is in the car having some labor pains that look a lot like my labor pains.
the rest of the episode goes like this:
ben: violet, let's go to florida now.
violet: NO! I'M DEAD!!! but you guys go and have fun!
ben: what? you're so silly. come on.
violet: NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHEN YOU DIE HERE YOU NEVER LEAAAAVE!
ben: stop eating so many drugs!
minnie from The Help: eat my shit!
viv: SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM HOLY MOTHER OF ASSSSSSSSS SCREAM!
constance: let's go hayave these baybuhs...
ben: hey! stop smashing my car up!!!
napoleon dynamite twins: GOD!! shut up!! (smash smash smash)
ben: what's up with your necks?
constance (to ben): let's do this!!!
Dr. Charles: turn out the lights and light up some candles bitches! electricity is dumb!
slutty dead nurses: yes doctor.
viv: AHHAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK MY LIIIFFFFEE!!!!!!!!!
ben: (thinking) whatinjesus'snameishappening??
constance: get your head out of your ass ben and go and help your wife.
viv: givemesomemotherfucking EEETHERRRR!!!
ben: breathe viv.
flashback..
happy birth
scary birth
happy birth
scary birth
i love you
i hate everyone
ben: pushhh!!
viv: FUUUUUCKKKK!!!
dr. charles: oops, this one is stillborn, here you go honey (wink wink).
viv: can i hold it? (soul crushing agony)
constance: one more in there though! don't stop now!
downstairs..
violet: CROUATON!!!
chad: hahahaa!
violet: darnit.
chad: tate raped your mom.
violet: nuh uh.
chad: yuh huh.
upstairs...
viv: FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK....this hurts really bad..
final push...
pop!
constance: gimme.
viv: can i hold him?
constance: he needs a bath.
crayden: give me my baby bitches.
viv: i feel really bad.
drip drip drip..
puddle
splash.
(glee kids come out and sing a song from rent)
violet: come to my side mom.
ben: nooooooooo....
upstairs upstairs...
violet: tate you are a murdering doucher!
tate: nuh uh.
violet: GO AWAY!!!
tate: noooooooo!!!
poof.
and then some more mother daughter sadness that i HATE.
so.
did you see it coming at all?
i have to say as soon as she was in the car about to go into labor mike turned back to me from his chair and said, "she's going to die during childbirth".
and i was like...
OF COURSE SHE IS!!!!
i'm glad really.
it's going to be awesome between all the women of the house fighting for those babies.
and watching ben go crazy.
right?
RIGHT??!!!
CROUTON!
s.o.s
i am writing this from under my bed with constance's knife in one hand and gasoline and a match in the other.
(which makes writing very dificult)
nobody better come fucking with me or i will start swinging this thing and then set shit off like a chinese new year.
my blood pressure was through the roof while watching this episode and i definitely shit my pants.
seriously..
i wasn't sure i could even recap it.
all i can think about is violet running around in circles trying to escape.
or burning child scalps.
or man made dog meat, if you know what i'm sayin..
or for fuck's sake dead violet in the basement with a party of flies in her mouth.
MODG was right.
i TOTALLY DIED MY GOAT'S TAINT OFF THIS WEEK.
the proof is in the diaper my friends...
grab your baby wipes and your burn salve and let's get started..
1994.
time for some crazy ass 1950's ham.
ham that tastes like pineapples and cigarette smoke and regret.
tate, constance, addy and larry are seated around the dinner table.
tate begins to say grace..
only instead of nice things he says things like..
thank you for this murdering asshole who is banging my mother.
so obviously this is just after larry's wife and children set themselves on fire.
larry don't care though.
he just wants his new family to come and see him sing in the chorus of brigadoon down at the local theater.
addy screams with excitement.
tate bangs the table in protest.
saying that this asshole is the guy that killed our brother.
constance is quick to point out that beau died in his sleep bc of respiratory problems.
and that tate was blessed with gifts he has yet to use.
whatever.
bc that was all just a set up for the next scene.
we FINALLY find out how larry became burny.
and that's the thing about tate.
one minute you're like this guy is a fucking psycho who needs to get what's coming to him.
and the next you're like...YAAAAY TATE!!!!!
set that fucker on fire!!!
we see tate in his room preparing for some baby arm-sized coke lines.
once he's good an geeked he grabs about 40 guns and shoves them up his sleeves,
along with a big ol red can of gasoline.
he marches right into larry's place of work, throws some gas on his head and tosses a match on top.
KABOOM!
larry is now burny.
tate leaves now to obviously go kill his school.
thankfully they don't show this part again.
next up is viv with some freshly red'ed hair.
looks like someone got out for a minute and had her hair did.
ben comes in and apologizes for throwing major douche shade her way.
but then just diarrheas out...your babies have 2 different fathers.
jesus ben, prepare a girl for news like that.
viv makes the best grossed out freaked out combo face in the history of ever.
ben says he will have her out in a few days and back home.
viv says she won't go back to the house.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
obviously some time alone with her thoughts has served her well.
meanwhile constance is visited by 2 dectectives.
the 3 of them around the table looking like a veritable benetton ad.
one black, one asian-ish and one white.
they are showing constance pictures of travis in the hopes that she can identify him.
constance confirms that it's him and then asks who would do something like that to poor, sweet travis?
she then asks what he was doing in the COLORED section of town?
oh constance.
strike 1.
constance truly don't give a single fuck about anything.
over at murder house..a truant officer appears to check on the whereabouts of one violet harmon who has been absent from school for 16 days.
this coupled with the blowflies in a bowl of NOT decomposing apples comfirms our fears that
violet is most likely dead.
next we see violet who maybe isn't dead but is probably dead and we are looking at her ghost sitting in her room listening to music.
ben knocks and comes in saying he is sorry for being such a bag of dicks.
he says she needs her to go back to school.
she says she can't.
ruh roh.
like don't wanna can't?
or like dead can't?
he tells her she has to meet him half way.
she agrees.
next constance is over at burny's.
she is telling him all about trav and then decides to chef's knife him in the neck.
she accuses him of killing her manly boyfriend.
he tells her that the house did it, basically.
or the ghosts inside it.
she gets super excited..
saying, "he died in the house??!!?!?!"
she's outta there faster than the results of a beiber paternity test.
but not before she belittles him with "travis was TWICE the man you are"..
larry follows with, "he is now".
nice burn, burny.
meanwhile tate pleads with violet to stay home from school one more day.
and in my heart of hearts i know this is bc he cares for violet.
bc he doesn't want her to figure out she's dead.
bc basically she CAN'T leave for school.
she can't leave period.
across the street constance returns home to see benetton cops outside her door.
some more racist jokes are made, this time hiroshima.
she is an equal opportunity racist.
her chef's knife falls out of her purse.
next we see constance down at the station being interrogated about all kinds of shit.
her husband and maid, moira still missing..
she claims they ran off down to mexico.
but what she really means is she buried moira in the back yard and dragged her husband down the stairs
(clearly not lacking upper body strength)
stuffed him in the meat grinder and fed him to the dog.
word.
some young new guy lawyer type tells constance they want to pin the murder on her.
oh the irony.
obviously this is the ONLY person she DIDN'T murder.
back at M.H.
the bug guy shows up to find the source of the blowflies.
whilst crawling around in the crawlspace he is giving himself the eye of the tiger speech, then comes up on a
buttload of flies..
a-ha!!
he peers over the edge of a big ass hole and screams!
tate jumps out, says something stupid and shoves the end of the bug guy's spray hose into his mouth and pulls the trigger.
sheesh.
what a way to go.
but i guess now he knows how bugs feel.
upstairs ben is on the phone, calling private schools for girls..
when he sees a creepy reflection of tate in a photograph and turns around suddenly.
only no one is there.
next tate rushes up to the attic to play some chess.
as you do.
he tells violet that her dad is going to send her away.
down in the basement burny is digging up travis's bloody clothes..
he runs into travis.
he says he wants to get rid of the evidence.
travis doesn't understand.
he asks about being famous..
then hears some little girl voices.
and fuck me in my face there are some smoking, burned children girls sitting around a table having tea.
burny is sad.
they're his daughters.
and wife.
he looks at his wife and says he is going to make constance pay for what she did to his family.
and his wife is all...she didn't break any vows. YOU did asshole.
back upstairs ben is, thankfully, in the shower.
tate blasts through in full rubber.
they proceed to work each other over.
it is totally violently super gay and super hot.
i am surprised that tate is winning here.
is it bc he is a ghost and is fighting with ghost like strength or is tate just ridiculously tall and strong?
or is ben just really short?
you were all wondering this too, right?
anyway..
ben ends up de-masking him, scooby style,
and screams for violet.
seems inappropriate.
wouldn't you have sliced his fucking head off instead?
too late.
tate essentially twists ben's head and tells him to sleep it out.
UGH.
the next bit is just too much.
maybe it's bc i have a daughter and i am full of the pms, but this was sooo sad to me.
tate finds violet again and tells them that it's too late they need to commit suicide so they can be together forever..
violet feigns agreement.
she tells him ok, but let's do it in the tub with candles.
tate says ok but they have to hurry.
while he goes off to get shit ready..
she runs away screaming for her dad..
"he's trying to kill me!!!"
only as she is trying to escape the house she just continues to run around in circles,
exiting and entering over and over again.
it is disturbing.
maybe the most disturbing of all to me so far.
it's like she gets it but doesn't get it and it sucks.
tate tells her to follow him.
she does.
he leads her to the crawlspace..
where she sees her body...
motherfuck.
so yep.
she DID die from the overdose.
tate tried to save her but couldn't.
he thought that if violet chose to die with him via suicide that she wouldn't be so sad.
still though..
MOTHERFUCK!
over in prison larry confesses to the murder...
constance shows up to throw some c u next tuesday his way..
all he wants is for her to admit to loving him once,
she can't. and doesn't pretend to either.
i love her.
jessica lange kills it every time.
the end.
and here we are..
only 2 episodes left.
thoughts...
this one...
she's the best kind of crazy.
i tolerate kyle bc she says things that normal girls say...
but every time i see her twirl her fucking horse tail i wanna stab my mom in the throat.
(jk mom i would NEVER stab you in the throat)
shame that pandora got ken's looks.
HAHAHAHAAAAHHAH HA HA HAAAAA!!!!
do you think she looks at these images and regrets her face?
i enjoy brandi and her nips.
kyle is a bully.
what is the clam's problem?
i mean, what is at the root of all of this?
are we expected to believe that this is all bc her husband was abusive?
is this a marketing ploy to get us all to buy her dumbass book?
please.
i'd rather read kim's.
talk it out.
well friends..
it would appear ben is coming around.
it would also appear tate's peen is a horcrux for voldemort.
interesting theories abound in this epsidoe..
thank goodness.
since they blew their wads with all of our questions answered in last week's epsiode
it was cool of them to add in new head scratchers.
so grab your nitrous oxide cans and let's recap this fucker!
the screen tell us it's 1947..
a cab pulls up outside murder house and out walks mena subaru (slut from american pie.)
(american beauty whatever)
she mosies ('walking' in 1947) up to the front door and knocks.
some dentist opens the door.
we see her in his office and she's insinuating that he can have sex with her in exchange for some dental work.
that happend a lot back then.
women just didn't have their own money and life stuff.
essentially if you weren't married you were a hooker.
i just made that up but it's probably true.
anyway..
the dentist tells her she needs to take the carnation out of her hair and she's all..
umm..it's a dahlia.
cuz...
she's the black dahlia.
a few moments later..
we see a woman walking her daughter in a stroller, the little girl goes..
"what's that mommy?"
"oh just a mannequin.. wait a seecc..."
yeah, not a mannequin.
just a human woman chopped in half wearing a glasgow smile,
looking like a tim burton movie.
back in modern times..
hot moira is making the bed and ben is like stop acting like an asshole slut
and make my daughter a sandwich.
moira's like you know you want this
and ben's like, um yeah..kinda..but i can't bc i love my wife.
moira looks like someone just told her she looked like frances conroy with a lazy eye.
and ben's space in hell just got a little bit more comfortable.
next door constance is mainlining teascotch while she paints what i think was adam and eve only adam was a fucking horrifying monster with half of his face missing.
was it larry burny face?
in walks viggo boyfreinsen (aka travis) with his hair and face perfection.
constance tells him to go get her some smokes from the korean and to take the dog with him.
once outside we see crayden standing there.
she starts to talk to travis and is like let's do sex.
somewhere in a bed they are sexing each other and he's like..
oooooops!
i just came inside you.
and cray's like...who cares i can't get pregnant.
travis hi-5's his peen.
crayden says she just wanted to see if she could do it with a guy who's alive.
OBSERVATION:
ghosts can fuck you.
next up is the introduction of crayden's bitch of a sister.
right off the bat she smells something fishy and it's not travis's weiner.
and then in walks crayden.
to defend her ben.
see look...i'm not dead or missing.
here i am.
OBSERVATION:
ghosts are just like us.
crayden continues on with..oh, i love you and i was a crazy bitch..sorry for being such a crazy bitch.
i ended up getting that pesky abortion after all..blah blah blah..
then ben's in his office and in walks the black D.
she's trying her old song and dance numbah.
ben's like, do you have an appointment?
you're so pretty.
she's like..
i am?
she moves in for some sex.
ben sees the sex in his mind's sex eye.
then the phone rings and it's that slut ass bitch ass slut doctor.
she's got some KABLAMMO to share..
viv's twins are the result of vitropaternachakalaka-something.
2 different baby daddies.
that is some soap opera shit if ever i did hear.
then constance storms into murder house with a bone to pick with violet.
she smelled some piznussy on her man and assumed it was violet.
really?
come on constance...you's smarter than that.
moira's like, hey guess what!?
mrs. harmon's babies have 2 different dads!
constance storms off looking for tate.
she knoooooows!!
a mother knows!
she finds tate in the basement (of course)
and proceeds to beat him about the head and neck like a mom boss.
back in ben's office ghost lesbian love is happening all over the couch.
oh ben.
even i would have given you a pass here.
jump in there!
shit like that NEVER happens in real life.
but alas..
ben is changing right before our eyes.
he tells black D to get out and moira that she's fired.
a few minutes later cray cray saunters in and wins best condescender...
telling black D all about how famous she really is.
we flashback to the dentist's office..
black D is in the chair and
the dentist is on top of her like a honey badger..
taking what it wants.
only she's still wearing the nitrous mask or whatever it is..
(that i could use around here)
he finishes up and then tries to wake her only..
guess what stupid???
she's dead.
not to worry here comes ghost doctor charles
to cut her into scraps.
OBSERVATION:
the ghosts can kill.
QUESTION:
how did cray know this?
moving on..
ben is visting viv in her concentration camp style room.
i am close to certain that he's about to tell viv that he believes that she was raped and how sorry he is and please let me get you out of here..
sadly he doesn't actually think any of this.
instead he calls her a slutty slut.
ben and cray get drunk in a bar.
blah blah you're so funny when you dance..
this song is so white...blah blah..
i have a crush..
blah blah..
then poof they are in the gazebo.
cray's like..it's written in the stars
OBSERVATION:
written in the stars=foreshaddowing
ben's like..nah..i don't love you.
crayden's like..whaaaaa???!!!
then you should know that some black guy has been hanging around your house a lot.
BAM!
she just planted the morris chestnut seed.
meanwhile constance wants to get married and have a baby with travis.
constance's most not smartest moment.
he says oh man..that's lame and gay.
i'm way too awesome to not be famous.
constance is superpissed and says he's no man and that he'll never be famous.
OBSERVATION:
more foreshaddowing.
anyway..
travis is so mad he needs to hate fuck crayden.
cray stabs him repeatedly.
nobody hate fucks crayden.
then a gaggle of ghosts appears in the basement to decide what to do with trav's corpse.
dr. charles is like..i know JUST what to do with him!
i will slice him black dahlia style.
cut to a bunch of brothers somewhere not so safe looking playing basketball..
one of them chases a runaway ball right to travis's sliced up remains..
and just like that travis is FAMOUS!!!!!
next we see constance visting viv in cell block slut.
constance asks about the baby.
bab-IES! corrects viv.
constance is all..i am a champ at raising kids.
viv plays the sick card and tells constance to FO.
constance says that being doubted ravages the soul.
viv suddenly has a change of heart and tells her that she was raped.
but don't tell the fam...
they need to think i've seen the error of my crazy brain eating ways.
constance zips up her mouth and throws away the key.
which is bullshit for...bitch i will rat you out in a minute and steal your babies.
next we see smoke-when-i'm-stressed-ben fiddling with the rent-a-cop alarm and in walks
morris chestnuts (resting in my open mouth)
looking all chestnutty.
ben smokes his way through a stupid speech about luke being the father of one of viv's babies.
luke proceeds to put that m'fer in his place saying..no i shoot blanks but should that baby be mine i damn sure would take care of it, but it's not and what do you care anyway you just called your wife a liar and a whore.
peace out.
ben stands holding rubber suit mask in his hands when moira rounds the corner with all her lazy sexy come-on's...
seriously i love the way she barely tries by the end of this episode.
ben asks moira if she saw anything weird..
she's like who cares?
you're a douchebag.
he admits to maybe making a horrible mistake about his wife..
and then my jaw dropped a little bc young moira became old moira..
she says.."you're finally starting to see things as they are"..
which is to say he sees a wrinkly old slut instead of a young hot slut.
and then shit starts to get REALLY weird..
next door constance and the craigslist psychic are having some cake and tea.
the rest of the show goes down like this:
constance: can ghosts have babies?
billie ray psychic: (shrugs) mmnknow.
but the pope has a magic box. it's in the chamber of secrets and
the secret is the end of days.
indiana jones: no. you're thinking about the holy grail and the temple of doom.
harry potter: no it's the sorcerer's stone and it's in the 3rd floor ladies room.
constance: would you two like some bundt cake?
indiana jones and harry potter: yes, please.
billie ray psychic: NO YOU TOTAL SLUTS! i'm talking about the immaculate conception with the devil's dong.
voldemort: yes. exactly.
constance: smell this bundt cake voldy..
voldemort: i can't i don't have a nose.
and scene.
what say you?
how do you feel about the religious angle being thrown in?
a part of me is like, that is the only way to go bc it leaves things in such a could be/couldn't be scenario.
plus nothing's more controversial than religion.
and then the good and evil aspect doesn't get more literal than this.
spill it sluts!
some of you assholes want recaps from me.
in fact a few of you have taken the time from your day to actually email me personally and demand the recaps.
i want to do recaps for you.
but sometimes life comes first...
things like swishing oil around your mouth and googling the pros and cons.
things like cyber monday and sticking lights in a jar and calling it christmas.
things like painting paintings for clients and hating them and painting over them and then crying bc i feel like an elephant painting with her trunk.
that takes T I M E.
recaps also take time.
and that is time that no one is paying me for.
and sometimes only 4 of you comment on my recaps.
four.
i am like that pretty girl up there.
don't make me get all my fucking glitter make-up on and my cowgirl costume and my spray tan and destroy the ozone layer with my use of AquaNet for 4 comments..
pony up bitches.
i work hard for my paid-in-beer comments.
and thank you a lot to the 4 of you that consistently comment.
you are the wind beneath my farts.
so some of you probably already watched last night's epsiode..
i don't watch til thursday.
so a recap of last night's show will be tomorrow.
unless there are only 4 comments.
then i will cry into my tea with constance.
here is last week's recap..
1.
this episode was heavy.
2 of my biggest life fears were hit upon..
a. everyone thinking i am crazy and admitting me to the looney bin instead of just recognizing i am having a hard time and maybe needing a little xanax throughout the day and possibly a hug.
it was at this point that i reeaally wanted ben to die HARD. (without clothes on)
and
b. my own daughter not defending me and turning on me. like a stab through the heart with a knife dipped in poison.
i'll take a rubber suit raping over that any day.
so...
this episode we learned rubber suit was actually tate.
he was my #2.
my number 1 was of course sexual chocolate, but that was more fantasy than anything.
so yeah..tate.
it's so shakespearian.
if shakespeare were from the south.
in tate's defense he really didn't know violet so well yet as the harmon's just moved in.
he felt sorry for nora that's all.
she was like, gimme my baby.
and he was all..ok, let me go make one for you.
that mom lady upstairs is horny all the time she will totes do it with me in a rubber suit.
no one will be the wiser.
speaking of rubber suits..
we also learn the origin of the rubber suit.
chad (zachary quinto) is having a leisurly lunch at everyone's favorite outdoor cafe
telling some woman that his boyfriend is into S&M.
who isn't?..says she..
go with it she says.
chad is now in a very well appointed sex shop and somewhere in the universe is something called the apple of anguish.
i guess it's something you stick up your butt that hurts real hard.
chad buys the rubber suit instead.
his loss.
he then goes home and tries to seduce his boyfriend.
blah blah blah all i seee at this point is more man butt.
that thing is juicy.
then nora and crayden are plotting to make viv crazy and steal her babies.
at this point i should mention that the time frame in this episode was all over the place and that confused me.
crayden starts fucking with viv by breaking shit.
rubber tate almost kills chad in the apple bobbing bucket,
beats the shit out of cowboy patrick and then drags his ass downstairs to firepoke his butt to death.
nora comes downstairs and says that this is so wrong.
it TOTALLY IS NORA!
rubber tate is like yeah, but, now a new family will move in and maybe they will have some babies.
wait.
back up.
HE BEAT HIS ASS TO DEATH AND THEN SHOVED A FIRE POKER IN HIS GLORY HOLE UNTIL IT BLED!
this happened on your tv.
my eyes fell out of my head and went to the phone and dialed a suicide hotline.
ben and violet have some words.
old moira is in the kitchen telling vivian she's not crazy.
and that guys are assholes and will try to fingerbang you if you start giving them side eyes.
she recounts the origin of the word hysteria and tells her how men invented this word as a way to
help them understand periods.
sidenote: this is totally true btw.
women are awesome.
we are intuitive and we are emotional and we bleed out of our pee bug once a month and this is scary to dudes.
bc they are the total opposite and they don't understand it so they try to fix it like a flat tire.
a long time ago when men were REAL dumb they would lock us up or burn us at the stake.
now they just roll their eyes and ask us if we are perioding.
walk away men...
just walk. away.
anyway..
old moira also tells viv that the shit that's happening inside the house is actually happening.
viv races to wake violet and tells her they are going to aunt jo's.
once inside the car a couple of ghosts are hanging out in the back seat.
both viv and vi see them and run back inside the house.
they see ben and ben does his annoying psycho-diagnosing that makes viv want to "bash his goddamn face in".
duh.
she tells ben about the ghosts and then turns to violet to defend her..
and then..
well..
my heart sinks.
later violet and tate are basking in the glow of "intense" teenage sex.
in the basement crayden tries to get on tate's vertical stick.
tate's like no, i just had sex and i'm in love.
the next day marcy comes over and viv steals her gun.
later that night viv is getting ready for sex bed, wearing a super sexy nightie.
i believe in ghosts a lot more than i believe anyone would wear that to sleep in.
she starts hearing shit.
grabs the gun.
ben walks in.
she shoots him.
he gives her a valium.
she has crazy valium dreams.
the police and sexy chocolate come over.
they go upstairs.
viv starts freaking out more.
bonafide crazy this time.
but who can blame her.
ghosts are fucking with her and she's pregnant and she just shot her husband by accident and
no one believes her.
yes.
i would be crazy too.
ANDSOWOULDYOUGODDAMITTT!!!!!
ben has her committed.
not cool ben.
soooooo not cool.
violet says nothing in her defense.
not cool violet.
soooooo not cool.
after the long slo mo walk down the stairs to the "hospital"..
viv tells us that while she is SUPER dissapointed in her asshole family she is relieved to be getting out of the house.
downstairs tate and moira are discussing the almost dead lovers in the basement..
tate uses the gun and blows patrick's face off..
chad reaches over to grab patrick's hand and then tate blows his ass apart too.
heavy shit ya'll.
heavy shit.
so what do we think?
how do we feel about all the homophobia going on? fire poker butt raping? too much for tv?
can we discuss the fact that the kid who plays tate is really carrying some heavy storylines..and doing it VERY well?
what about the women are just crazy references?
speak your minds..
the future of these recaps depends on it..
